It took a couple of shots, but we got it. Merry Christmas!

ACCEPTANCE

There has been something weighing heavily on my mind that I haven't shared on this blog. Mostly because I don't think what I'm about to say is easily accepted in the baby loss community.

It seems to me that the social norm of deadbabyland is that we forever grieve out babies. We are expected to never "get over" our child's death. We are told over and over again that we will never get over it, and that's normal, and that's OK.

So where does that leave the mothers, who like myself, have "gotten over it"?

Where does that leave the moms who have found a way to move on, who've accepted it, and who are actually happy with their lives now.

I feel like there isn't a place for them in the baby loss community. I don't feel at home here anymore.

When my daughter was stillborn I was racked with grief. I've never felt anything so painful in my entire life. Every day was a struggle. Every. Day. I truly don't know what I would have done without the Baby Center mom's and without the other people from these blogs. I really do mean that. I say it again and again: blogging is what helped me heal.

But now, I feel like I don't belong here anymore. Because I no longer grieve for my daughter.

The definition of grieve is to feel great grief or sorrow, or to distress mentally. My daughter's stillbirth no longer causes me to feel either of those things.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy about it. But I've accepted it, and I have (gasp) moved on.

Her stillbirth is no longer a stabbing pain in my heart. It is, in fact, something that I have learned to embrace.

I have a very large scar from her birth, spanning from my pubic bone to my breast bone. I would not give that scar up for anything. Everyday I look at it in my mirror with love. It reminds me of my daughter. I wear it like a badge. I'm actually proud of it.

Her birth is sort of like that scar. It changed me. I am not the same person I was before she was born. I am glad she existed. I'd go through it all again if it meant I got to be her mom. My life has changed in many ways since I gave birth to her. There are many people in my life that I did not know before her, and who I would not know if she had lived. I now know who I can count on, and who I can't. My relationship with my husband has changed immensely since her stillbirth. I believe our realtionship would be very different if she were alive. I wish it didn't take losing a child for us to grow this close; but it did, and I accept that.

Even though she is not alive, she is still part of my life. Her picture is on my wall, her name is tattooed on my foot. I think of her everyday. But I am OK with her not being here.

I know that is going to be tough for some people to swallow. In the movies mother's are always depicted as going crazy when they lose a child. We are lead to believe that dead babies equal crazy mommies. But that isn't always true. Sure, in the beginning I felt like I was never going to be happy again. I couldn't figure out why this happened to my family. What did we do to deserve it?

I should have been asking myself what I did to deserve to be her mom. What was so great about me that I would be blessed with her? Why was I chosen to have this precious person all to myself. No one got to know her like I did. No one else in this entire world got to feel her kicks. No one else got to experience every second of her short time on this earth- except for me. Why look at that like it's a horrible thing? Why can't I look at it like it's a wonderful thing? She had a short life, but it was fantastic. She never knew pain, or heartbreak, or disappointment. All she ever knew was me, and my love for her. When I used to think about her stillbirth, I would feel pain for me not her. I thought about her in a very abstract way. "I want my baby" But truthfully, it could have been any baby and I would have been happy (or at least thought I was happy). It was all about me, and not about her.

The truth is I'm happy with my life. Even without her in it. I know that is going to rub some people the wrong way, but that is the truth. I like where I'm at and I would not change it.

Her life, and death, forever changed the course of my life. I am a better person than I was before she was conceived. I'm much more compassionate than I used to be. I never let an opportunity pass to tell my family I love them. I'm more health-conscious. I'm thankful. These are all things that I contribute to her.

I will always be thankful for my daughter's life. But in a way, I'm thankful for her stillbirth, too.

And I believe that's OK.

I'M (STILL) FAT

Well, I'm still fat. But I'm less fat than I used to be. I can't tell a difference, but my husband can. Then yesterday I my pants kept falling down, and I realized I can pull them off without unbottoning or unzipping them. Eek! These are pants that previously I would not allow in the dryer because they would be too tight on me. (Come on, I know I'm not the only one!) I had to put them in the dryer last night when I washed them in hopes that I can still wear them. They are my fav'.

My ticker (above) hasn't budged. I weighed myself yesterday morning, and I'm exactly the same. The only thing I can think is that my body is changing fat to muscle, and since muscle weighs more I'm not loosing pounds, just fat. FINE BY ME!

Now, if my boobs would stop shrinking along with the rest of me...

READ THIS

http://nerdyapplebottom.com/2010/11/02/my-son-is-gay/

I don't do this very often, but I came across this by a friend on facebook. It should be required reading for every parent.

HOW DOES IT FEEL?

I know in the back of their mind everyone is wondering how I'm feeling. Is this hard for me? Does it bring up bad memories?

Well, there was no need for me to worry about how much I would love him, because the second I saw him I fell in love. I can't get enough of him. Truth be told I'm glad he's not a girl. I don't know if that would have changed things, but I suspect it might have been harder.

I did not shed one tear at the hospital. I expected to feel some sort of sadness, but I didn't feel anything like that at all. I don't feel sad in anyway, which is kind of surprising, but not really.

Looking at the pictures of my new grandson with my older grandson all I can feel is... guilt. Yes, guilt. I really am overcome with a huge sense of guilt that we didn't have another baby sooner and give this to my son. Mason is so excited to have a little brother, and I remember how excited Brendan was that I was having a baby. I really wish we would have had another baby when he was little. I tried to talk my husband into trying, but he didn't want another one. He felt we had our hands full with the two kids we had. I know deep down he's right. There were a lot of things going on in our lives at that time... financially we couldn't have afforded it... I was taking care of my mother in law for a good two years... Jenna was a teenager from hell :)... there was just so many things that would have made it difficult.

But I know it wouldn't have been impossible. We could have made it work.

While I am totally in love with my new grandson, I can't help but feel guilty that we didn't give my son this same experience.

HE'S HERE...

...and he's healthy.

10 pounds 7 ounces. 22 inches long.

DUE DATE

I'm sorry for not posting earlier. My life has been insane lately.

I had no idea it's been so long since I posted.

Well, Jen came down with strep a few days after her amnio. Her midwife told her that an infection can make amnio results wacky, so they were thinking that is the reason for the immature results. She went in the next week planning on having another amnio, but the hospital wouldn't allow it. I think they just didn't want to admit it could have been lab error. Sothey sent her home again, and told her she has to wait until 39 weeks, which is this Friday.

I should add that after her last baby they told her that the way her uterus is tipped she will probably never go into labor on her own. So we are all aware that her labor will have to be induced.

Anyway, she went in today and requested a growth ultrasound. They estimated the baby to weigh 10 pounds 9 ounces! We have a friend who just had a 10 pound baby a few weeks ago (must be in the water) and the delivery was very tramatic. The baby had to spend more than a week in the NICU. Obviously, this scarred Jen, and so she decided to go ahead and schedule a c-section. Her first baby was almost 10 pounds, and he was very blue when he was born. I think she just wants to go the safest route, and I really feel like she is doing the right thing.

So, I will be having a new grandbaby this Friday. Squeeeee!

MY WEEK

This week has been just crazy. I've haven't been sleeping well; last night I resorted to benedryl. I. Am. EXHAUSTED.

Last Wednesday I took Jen to the doctors. We got to see the baby on 3D ultrasound. He is adorable! Fat chubby cheeks. His estimated weight at 36 weeks was 8 1/2 pounds. (Big baby!) He was breech and her fluid levels were very high (polyhydromnios). We live an hour from the hospital, and the doctors were concerned about cord prolapse. Well, to make a very long story short, after waiting at the hospital all day they decided to do a c-section. Her husband works out of town and would not be back in time, and she asked me to go in with her. I was so excited! They came in and shaved her belly, the anesthesiologist was there. We were minutes from the operating room. Last minute Dr. Fat Fingers (seriously largest hands I've ever seen an OB have) came in and did an ultrasound to check baby's position. Uh-oh. I see a head down by the pelvis. I knew this wasn't going to end with a baby today. It didn't. Sent us home. This made for a very unhappy mama.

Take her to the doctors again this Wednesday. Her fluid levels had went up again! Schedule her for an amnio on Friday and if baby's lungs are OK then an induction. Thursday she has to be taken to the ER because her blood pressure is 80/50. So low she is white at a sheet and can't answer simple questions. She is there all night and they decide to cut to the chase and do the amnio while she's there. Bad news. She's 37 weeks and the baby's lungs are still very immature. The doctor was not completely worried. He said there is the possibility of lab error, but didn't want to chance doing another anmnio. She home she goes again.

At this point the baby is over 9 pounds, she still has 3 weeks to go, and we are worried if he will be able to breath when he is born. Needless to say she is misrable and I am worried. I just keep telling myself it's only a few weeks, it will all be OK in the end, but I can't help but worry...

On a good note, my son got his mid term. Two A+'s! Two B's and all the rest were A's! SO PROUD OF HIM!

TODAY WE REMEMBER...

Don't forget to light a candle today at 7 pm. (October 15th)

My brother's tattoo that he got for Brenna.

CH-CH-CH-CHANGES!

The skylight in our bathroom leaked and damaged the ceiling. This lead to a (much needed) remodel in our bathroom. With the exception of some plumbing changes that we couldn't figure out, my husband and I did all the work ourselves. OK, he did most of the work. I just picked out the stuff. (Isn't that how it's supposed to be?)

Before

After

I took the palm tree pictures in Hawaii.

The results is so satisfying, that we are going to continue with the rest of the house. It's something we've always talked about, but never got around to doing.

I feel so good about this. I actually feel like a new person. Like I'm shedding the old parts of my life I didn't like.

Changing.

BROTHERS

I have four younger brothers. I consider us close. My youngest brother and I are the closest. I talk to him almost every day. He is 25, and has made a lot of poor choices in life. I think he battles depression. He recently broke up with his girlfriend of three years, and then shortly after lost his job. Obviously life was not going good for him, but he took it to a whole other level. He would call me daily telling me how terrible his life was, how he was going to end up in jail, how he knew he was going no where. On and on and on about how bad he has it. It got so bad that at times, I didn't have it in my to take his calls.

A few weeks ago he send me a message of facebook. It was written at 6 am and I doubt he was sober when he wrote it. I read the message while I was at work, and it basically said that he was going to end up in prison and when he did that we should all "forget about" him. I was so fed up with this attitude that I relied back and laid it out on the table:

"J****, you are the only person who can change your life. What the hell is so bad about your life? You don't have a girlfriend, who gives a fuck. You don't have a job? Take that opportunity to get some training. You always look at the bad side, you never look on the bright side of anything. For some reason you think you have it harder than everyone else. When the truth is many people will love to be in your position. You can do anything you want right now. But you have to make it happen. Instead you choose to sit around and feel sorry for yourself! Get your head out of your ass and do something with your life. Right now your big plan is life is to end up in prison. Do you even listen to yourself? Do you seriously think than anyone of us is just going to walk away from you? You know that is never going to happen. Instead of being happy with what you do have, you focus all your energy on what you don't have. You act like you are some terrible person, or that you are the only one who has bad thoughts. We all do, J****. You are not so unique. You have this thing where you always have to be the worst. If I say someone did something you're like, Well I did it even worse than that... Newsflash: You are not a terrible person. You have a good heart. We all love you. Be thankful for that. Get off your ass and do something to better yourself. You are not going to find a better life while sitting on your couch with a beer in your hand. I finally found a good job, and things are going right for me right now. Do you think that just happened out of no where? No. I put myself through college. I applied to literally 100's of jobs. Two years ago my life sucked. I know how you feel because I have never been so depressed in my life. But I did not let it consume me. Instead I made the decision every day to get out of bed and take a shower and do something. (Even though I could easily have stayed in bed all day). Because I knew that if I didn't I wasn't going to get better. I wasn't going to move on. Don't think for one second that was easy, because it wasn't. It was horrible. It was hard. But I made it through. It took a long time. A long time. Just now, two and a half years later, I can look at a baby and not die inside. And I mean literally die. I would feel a physical pain that I can not even describe. I would put on a good face so no one would know, but inside I was a disaster. I know how it feels. But I also know that NO ONE was going to make me get out of it but me. And no one can make you feel better but you. Instead of focusing on the bad, you need to start focusing what you do have. You said you looked so happy in that pic from when you lived with me. Don't you remember how much you hated living out here? 10 years from now you are going to look back on this time and wonder what you were so pissed off about. That is how life works. It feel terrible at the time, but then you look back and realize it wasn't so bad."

And just like that, he changed. He was at a point where he wouldn't even attend family functions anymore. This past Labor Day he came and we had a fantastic time. We all can see a change in him.

He told me that he never even realized losing Brenna would effect me so deeply, or for so long. He had no idea the pain I was carrying. (I am mostly to blame for this, because I kept it all inside.) He really thought he was the only one who felt this way.

Then he went and got a memorial tattoo with Brenna's name on it.

I CAN'T HAVE BABIES SO I HAVE DOGS

I think the title is self explainatory and to the point. I have lots of love to give. I can't give it to a baby so I have dogs who I love. Like children. I'm not exagerating.

My husband and I celebrated our wedding anniversary last weekend, and he bought me a new puppy. I am in love. With the dog, and with my hubby. :)

We named him Kona, after my favorite place on earth. (OK, Kona isn't my actual favorite place, but Big Island isn't really a good name for a dog!)

GRANDBABY #2 UPDATE

Grandson #2 is happily baking away. Mama tested negative for diabetes, so that's good. Does not explain why he is so big (apparently she just makes big babies).

He is not due until November, but he will most certainly come early. The doctor told her the plan right now is to induce October 15th

October 15th, huh?

I'm sure it's some sort of sign, but I don't know what to make of it. Yet.

BACK TO SCHOOL

Back to school, back to school. My days now go something like this:

Alarm goes off at 6 am.

Roll out of bed at 6:30

Leave by 7:15 to drop the boy off at school

Get to work at 8:00

8-2:15 non-stop madness at work (I mean that in every sense of the word!). My phone literally rings at least 100 times a day. It seems that no one can do anything without my permission or direction, and no one but me knows the answer to anything. Many days I spend the whole day driving around, while taking phone calls and answering questions.

2:15-3:15 Use my much needed lunch break to pick the boy up from school (curse you private school for not having bussing! {I jest!})

3:15-5 Back to work. Try to wrap up for the day so I can get the heck out of there.

5:30 get home from work

6 Eat dinner

6:30-9 Catch up on email, laundry, blog reading, and housework. Sometimes I have meetings (this week I have two!)

9-10 Watch whatever nonsense I have on DVR. Usually it's something that will rot my brain, and I gladly watch it until I fall into a coma.

Rinse and repeat.

August 8th

I just realized that August 8th came and went without be realizing it. August 8th was my due date with Brenna. For the last two years I've started my period on August 8th. I felt like it was a slap in the face each time. This year it came and went and, quite honestly, I didn't even notice.

The interesting part of this for me is that I happened to watch Oprah today. I usually don't get to see her show, but I got home early and caught it. Nate Berkus was on (it was a re-run) and he was talking to a mom who had lost her son. She told him how special dates (his birthday, the day he died) were terrifying for her. Nate (who I have never really paid attention to before, but have now fallen in love with) told her that after his partner Fernando died (in the Tsunami of 2005) he dreaded his upcoming birthday. When Fernando's birthday came and went Nate didn't feel sad. I've searched the Internet for a video of that conversation, and I did find this. (I spent a lot of time looking, so humor me and read it.) For those of you who aren't going to humor me, here's a snippet of what he said:

"What I really realized for me was that the date actually doesn't have any power. The memory had the power," he says. "When I decided that I wasn't going to just automatically be sad in August and just automatically be destroyed in December, all of a sudden August and December weren't scary to me."- Nate Berkus, Oprah.com

I think it's not just a coincidence that I happened to see that today, and then later realize the 8th didn't effect me.

My initial response was to feel guilty, but a split second later I thought, "Why?" I am not forgetting her. I don't love her any less. I'm not going to feel bad that I forgot about a day.

I am moving on, but I'm not leaving her memory behind. At the same time, I'm not using her memory as an excuse to hold onto my grief.

DRAGONFLY

We are remodeling our bathroom. It's the bathroom that our son uses, but also the guest bathroom so I'm trying to make it nice, but not too girly. I found this online:

If you have read for any length of time you know that dragonflies are my thing when it comes to Brenna. I have a few necklaces that are dragonfly (one really nice one from my mother), and various other dragonfly items that make me think of her. (For more look here.)

I struggled with the decision to purchase these dragonfly bathroom accessories. They aren't my favorite, and they are kind of feminine, which doesn't work for a boys bathroom. For the first time ever, I felt conflicted between my son and my daughter. I actually felt like I was betraying her. Like I had to purchase this because it was dragonfly and dragonflies remind me of her. For some ridiculous reason I felt like had to choose him or her.

It mazes me that two years later these things still come up.

PARENTING LESSONS FROM THE "REAL HOUSEWIVES"

I have to admit that I watch all of the Real Housewives. (In fact the second D.C. episode is playing on my DVR right now!) I was watching an episode a few weeks ago from the New Jersey season. One of the mother's has a son who is in college and he struggles with a learning disability. He was notified that he could not continue his pre-law studies because his grades were too low. I'm sure I was like most mother's when my heart broke for this poor kid. He said he felt worthless (or something like that) and I really felt bad for him. I expected his mother to run to his defense and help him make things right.

I was surprised when she didn't.

I was even more surprised at his father's reaction.

Of course his parents were upset, but they told him this was his battle. His father said that if something like this stopped him from becoming a lawyer than he didn't deserve to be one!

At first I was floored. How could a parent not help their child? How could they not want to run to his side?

The more I thought about it the more I reflected on my parenting style? I would have done everything in my power to get my kid in another school, or to keep him in that school. I would have taken over (and I'm sure gotten things done).

But it wouldn't be my fight. It would be his. I would be doing him a disservice by not letting him earn his spot. He would never appreciate it because he didn't fight for it.

I really learned a lesson that day. Over these past few weeks I've began to change the way I parent. I see changes in my son already.

And my husband says reality TV is rotting my brain. What does he know!

DAY OF HOPE

GRANDSON UPDATE

My step-daughter is 27 weeks pregnant now. She will probably deliver in 10 weeks. Her first was almost ten pounds, and they are estimating this one to be at least that big again. She failed her one hour glucose, and has to go in for the three hour test soon.

The first time she was pregnant I had no doubt her pregnancy was going to end happily. Even when she had problems, was in labor for four days, or when the doctor threatened a c-section. I never once considered she wouldn't be bringing a new baby home.

This time around I find myself worrying. I catch myself going "there". (You know where it is.) I try to keep a positive mind set, and I think I'm doing a good job, but every once in awhile I catch myself thinking there are no guarantees, and bad things happen all the time.

It is not a fun place to be.

But I know in my heart she is bringing a healthy baby home from the hospital in October. This I am certain.

GOOD-BYE ANXIETY

I hate flying. No, scratch that. I fear flying. In fact, it terrifies me. When we were thinking about going to Hawaii the thought of flying made me sick to my stomach. Someone suggested I ask my doctor for a prescription for Val.ium. I tried it, and it worked wonderfully. The flight was great, and I felt fine.

It was the first time I felt "fine" in a long time.

I can't remember the last time I felt that way.

I can't remember the last time I thought about my son and didn't have some sort of gut-wrenching panic hit me. On a daily basis I worried about something. Everything. Worried to the point of not sleeping well. Being awoken by feelings of sheer panic.

I really did not realize how bad it had gotten until I took that Val.ium for my flight and felt normal again. I didn't realize that I wasn't feeling normal! I didn't realize I was feeling this way!

You know me, I'm not one to pop pills if there is a natural way to try first.

About three weeks ago I started taking Passion Flower. At first I didn't really see a difference, but now I can totally see it. I don't feel any different. I just don't have those moments of sheer panic or stomach pain like I used to. I don't find myself dwelling on things like I had been doing. I feel much more relaxed.

I'm surprised how bad it had gotten without me realizing it.

**It goes without saying I am not a doctor. If you feel like you have a problem you should speak with your doctor.**

SAFE AND SOUND

I bought a fireproof safe today.

I bought it with the specific purpose of putting Brenna's memory box in it.

As I was buying it I didn't find it one bit odd that I was buying a safe for my dead baby's things.

This is not the life I envisioned for myself.

FACES OF LOSS

If you have not checked out Faces of Loss, you should. I love the idea of this blog. Just a fantastic idea.

I submitted my story. You can find it here:

http://facesofloss.blogspot.com/2010/07/holli-mom-to-brenna-march-5th-2008-bay.html

COMING TO TERMS

My best friend had her baby last Friday. A healthy baby boy who was born by emergency c-section after a difficult labor that involved his heart stopping. It was pretty scary, and my friend didn't get to see him until the day after he was born, but all is well now. He is beautiful. The first newborn I've held since my Brenna was born. I didn't get as emotional as I thought I would. I didn't get emotional at all, really. I enjoyed holding him.

As I was holding in, I did try to imagine what it would have been like if Brenna had been born alive. I couldn't. For the life of me I couldn't imagine it. It's like she just wasn't meant to be here.

AM I BLOND?

So my son went to camp this week. They offer bus service, but it meets in a place that was puzzling to me. It's north of us, and the camp is south of us, so why would the bus meet north? I'm guessing so kids from "Up North" (as we Michiganders call it) could attend camp. We were going to have to drop him off. I googled it, and it should take about 1 1/2 to 2 hours to get there.



Saturday we're getting around, ready to drop him off. We planned on leaving early to go eat lunch at one of our favorite restaurants. I go to print out the map from mapquest so we know where we are going. Oh, wait, what's this? I read the location of the camp wrong? It's actually in the UPPER PENINSULA of Michigan!?! Oh yes, my friends. The camp was almost 5 hours NORTH!

Here is a little visual for you. I thought we had to go to the red dot, but we actually had to go to the gray dot. How in the world did I make this mistake? I have no idea.

Would you believe we made it there just as they were wrapping up registration. We did.

This one is going down in the books at one of my dumbest mistakes ever.

(Oh, and he's taking the bus home! Now it all makes sense to me.)

INKED

While in Hawaii, I fell in love with the plumeria flower.

Not only was it beautiful, it smelled amazing. They make leis out of plumerias, and I would hang one up and it would make our whole room smell great.

It was without a doubt, the best smelling flower I've ever smellled. (I was pretty disappointed that the USDA doesn't allow us to bring them home).

I decided to get a tattoo while I was there. I've been wanting another one, but I just couldn't decide what I wanted. As soon as I saw this flower I knew that is what I wanted.

I told the girl what I wanted, and she drew it up for me. It's three plumeria flowers. One for my son, and two for my grandsons. I was going to have her put thier initials in the leaf or petal, but I since grandson #2 isn't here yet I decided not to. His name could change at any moment. :)

AVOIDANCE

These days I avoid most "rainbow baby" blogs, and most "dead baby" blogs for that matter. There are a select few I read, but honestly not many at all anymore. It hurts my heart (literally) to read of someone else having a rainbow baby. I don't like feeling that way, but I do. I am jealous. I wish it were me. When I read those type of blogs it just stirs up those feelings again. I can not for the life of me understand why someone who doesn't even take care of their children gets to have four living, healthy, beautiful children, but I only get one. Then I feel guilty, because I am so grateful for the one I do have here with me, and I don't want anyone to think I'm not. I'm probably more grateful for him than she is for all four of hers!

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of what my life would be like with her here. The grieving is over, but the mourning never ends.

I'M IN LOVE

Hawaii was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! I have heard people say that they fell in love with a town, and I never could relate. I totally can now. I am in love. I am very serious when I tell you that I would move there in a second. No hesitation. Not only was it beautiful, but the people were so friendly. It was the first time I ever went on vacation and didn't want to leave. Even now I feel sad that I'm not there, and I actually miss it.

My husband has always wanted to retired to Florida, and I've always told him no. There is no way I'm moving to Florida. After we got home I told him I'd happily move to Hawaii. We are seriously considering buying a condo there and retiring.

LIFE IS GOOD

BYE-BYE

Well friends, in the morning my hubs and I will be going to Hawaii. I will see you all in two weeks!

MONDAY MINUTE

I saw this on Motherhood The Sequel and decide to give it a go.

Has anyone you've known personally lived to at least 100?

My husband's grandfather lived to be 100. I did not meet him, he passed away the week we started dating.

What material possession do you value the most?

Let me put it this way: If my house burned down tomorrow, the thing I absolutely could not replace is Brenna's memory box. Those things are precious to me, and while they are probably worthless money-wise, they are the thing I treasure (along with my kids baby books). Second would be my wedding band, followed by a ruby dragonfly necklace from my mom and a ring from my hubby.

What do you think happens to us after we die?

I completely believe in the bible. I think we go to heaven or hell.

Most embarrassing item in your house?

I don't really have anything I'm embarassed to own. I do have a few things I'd be embarassed if someone found. Let's just say the belong in the adult toy catagory. 'Nuf said.

If you could rename yourself, what would your name be?

I would leave my first name as it is. (I've actually grown to like it). But I would change my last name to just my husband's last name. I hyphenated when we got married, and now I wish I never did that.

IT'S A MIRACLE

Don't start jumping up and down my friends, I know you're thinking I'm pregnant. That is not the miracle. It's that I found a bathing suit that looks good, feels good, and is pretty darn comfy. I bought a MiracleSuit on Ebay, and I was more than a little nervous. The last time I bought a bathing suit I want to no less than ten stores (literally), and tried on at least 30 different suits. This time I bought it on a whim, and I have to tell you I am SO happy. This thing fits like a glove- sucks me in, pushes me out, and smooths me out in all the right places. I highly suggest you go check them out.

LETTING GO

When I was growing up we used to play outside with the neighborhood kids until the street lights came on. We could run around our 2 square block neighborhood all day, and my mom never thought twice about it. Once the street lights came on we had to come home.

I live in the country and we don't have street light. We don't eve have "blocks". Well, we do but they are mile on each side. Not exactly what my mother had in mind.

When he was little my son learned to ride his bike in the driveway. We don't have sidewalks.

He got a new bike a few weeks ago, and wanted to ride it today. He wanted to take off and ride down the road. We live on a main road, and it has a fair amount of traffic. I couldn't force my 13 year old son to ride circles in the driveway. He's growing up! So I told him where he could and couldn't go, and off he went.

I watched him ride out of the driveway and down the road, and the way I felt you would think I was watching him leave home for the last time. "Look at him" I whined to my husband "It's so sad!" I couldn't see him anymore and everytime a car passed I'd think "I hope he stays to the side of the road".

He was gone for maybe five whole minutes.

My baby is growing up.

I'm getting gray hair.

I SING

I've mentioned this before on this blog, but I've noticed it again lately.

I used to sing in the car all the time. Anytime I was alone (because I suck. No really, I should only be allowed to sing alone!) in the car I would sing my heart out. I know the words to almost any song that comes on the radio. If I am mad or nervous it made me feel better. If I was excited, singing made me happy. I just really enjoy it, and I would belt a song that fit my mood.

I realized about six months ago that I don't sing anymore.

I haven't since we lost Brenna.

Lately, I've caught myself singing again. At first it was once in awhile. Now it is all the time. I don't know what this says about me (if anything), but I like to think it means I am moving forward.

I've really missed singing my heart out.

MOM GUILT

My son is 13 now, and he is at that age where he really doesn't care about me anymore, and would rather be with his friends. When I try to spend time with him he blows me off most of the time. I hate it.

It doesn't matter what I do in regards to my son lately, I end up feeling guilty. Lately my guilt centers around the fact that I feel guilty that he can't have friends over as often as he would like because I work. I don't know what my problem is, but I have been feeling so guilty lately it's ridiculous!

Does anyone else with kids feel this way? Is this normal? Why would I worry about something so silly?

I may be going crazy.

BLUE!

My grand-baby-to-be is a boy.

I felt a sense of relief and excitement all at once. And I immediately let my guard down and fell in love.

I have been pretending to be OK with the fact I was convinced she was carrying a girl- all the while envisioning myself having a nervous breakdown at the hospital when I hold that baby dressed in pink for the first time. I was afraid I would not love her like I love her brother (and I am so in love with that little boy!). I did not know ifhow I would handle it. I was scarred shitless.

Since finding out he is in fact a boy, I have not felt any anxiety. I have felt nothing but love, and I can feel myself becoming bonded already.

I can not wait to meet this little guy.

UPSWING

My grandma is in a rehab facility right now. I went to see her Tuesday night, and she was in good spirits. I think she actually liked being with other people her age. She seemed to enjoy having people to talk to all day. I was nervous to go there because I pictured the nightmare that we were forced to admit my mother in law to the week before she died. (It was awful, it smelled like pee and people were just sitting around the halls in wheel chairs drooling on themselves.) This place is nothing like that. It's nice and clean, the people are friendly, and Grandma is well taken care of. It was such a relief.

Also, my brother had a spinal tap last week, and the doctor isn't meeting with him until July to go over the results (I know, right?). I'm guess that if it was something serious he'd be seeing him right away. So I'm feeling better about that also.

Now, if I could just get the bitch at work under control...

GOOD NEWS AND BAD

The good news is that my brother's doctor is confident that he does not have MS. Yay! Bad news is he has to have a spinal tap. Boo!

More bad news is that my grandma is in the hospital right now. She fell and they think she may have broken her foot. She lives in another city, so I'm waiting for my mom to call me with an update.

**UPDATE** My mom called to tell me that my grandma broke her ankle. This is terrible news which will probably result in her having to go to a nursing home. She is in poor health to begin with, and it was getting more and more difficult for the family to take care of her. With this injury she will basically be immobile, and it will not be possible to take care of her at home.

CHANGES

My husband and I started dating in 1995. The same year I graduated from high school.

I have spent all of my adult life with the same man.

We got married when I was 21. I remember the early years of our marriage as having ups and downs. We liked each other, but we really didn't always get along. We led basically separate lives. I had my friends, he had his. We rarely went out together. Our son was small, and his daughter was young so they were my main focus. We loved each other, but we had not yet learned to communicate well.

We have a close friend who is in a paraplegic. I remember thinking, early in my marriage, that if something like that were to happen to me, my husband would not stick around. I truly believed that. I don't know why I thought that was OK. But it was something I thought I knew, and something I accepted.

I remember one night when I basically had a meltdown and told him I thought he only married me because of our baby. I remember him holding me, and me crying, and him telling me he had never loved anyone like he loved me. That he loved our son, but that wasn't why he married me. He married me because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

I remember that as being a turning point in our marriage.

From then on I guess I felt validated. He loved me for me. No other reason. I made the decision that divorce was not an option for us, and we would work out whatever came our way.

For the first few years of our marriage we bickered a lot. We still did not know how to communicate, and I always felt the need to be right. Even if I knew I was wrong, I couldn't admit it. It took a long time for me to learn that being wrong is OK. I was what you would call, a nag. He was what you would call, a child. Our communication consisted mostly of bitching back and forth about every-fricking-thing. It is actually something I really regret because my step-daughter was old enough to remember, and I don't feel that we were good roll models for her. I deeply regret not showing her how a husband and wife could be. Although we rarely ever got into arguments where we yelled at each other, we always got our little back handed comments or digs in at each other.

It really wasn't how you speak to someone you love.

Fast forward a few years. I became more comfortable expressing myself. I felt more comfortable in my own skin (which I think has something to do with age). We become better at talking. I stop nagging. He grows up. Things are actually pretty good. I begin to enjoy going out with my husband. We like to do things together (gasp!).

Then I find out I'm pregnant with Brenna.

Then she dies, and I nearly die along with her.

These events significantly change our marriage.

I distinctly remember thinking this is going to make us or break us.

I can't believe I am about to type this but... it made our marriage better.

In the 2+ years since Brenna was born, my husband and I have grown closer than I ever thought possible. It was a complete eye opener for both of us. It made us realize what is really important in life. Now a days we do everything together. He has even started working for my company! We drive to work together every morning. We grocery shop together. We pay bills together...

It's so sickening sweet I make myself sick! :)

It amazing how your relationship changes when you start thinking about the other person and stop thinking about yourself. I stopped bitching about him leaving his dirty dish on the table, and then voila he stopped leaving it on the table! You know why? Because I thought, "I don't need to nag him about something so stupid" and he thought "She really hates it when I leave this out". Funny how that happens.

Over the past two years I have fallen even more love with my husband. We do everything together. We are a team. I have learned to open up to him. I've realized it's OK to be vulnerable. That doesn't mean I'm weak.

As strange as it sounds, I've learned to enjoy my husband. Truely enjoy him. I like being with him. That doesn't mean that he doesn't annoy me, because sometimes he does. That doesn't me that I don't make him mad, because sometimes I do. What it does mean is that we don't let it bother us like we used to. We don't dwell on it. If he's making me mad I tell him. "Listen here buddy, you're getting on my nerves!" Then he makes some smart-ass comment that makes me laugh and we move on.

I like how we are now. I really do.

It's bitter-sweet because I realize that we would never be like this if we hadn't lost a child.

If she was here our relationship would be different. I doubt we'd be as close. The kids would be the center of my world. I wouldn't be working. We wouldn't be working together. We wouldn't be going to Hawaii... I could go on and on. Things would be very different if she was alive.

It's hard to accept the fact that my marriage is better because of the death of my child.

IN THE NEWS PART 2

I am just heartbroken over the story of John Travolta's son Jett dying. It's just the saddest thing to me. Mix in the whole blackmailing thing, and Travolta having to testify at trial about the most intimate details of his sons death... it just makes me squirm. I feel dirty for even being interested.



Then I read that someone at an airport ran over their two little dogs and killed them. This hit close to home for me, because I know how your dogs can be so important to you- especially after the loss of your child. My heart broke for his little girl, thinking she had to go through that.



I read this week that he and his wife are expecting another baby.



It's about time something go right for this family.

IN THE NEWS PART 1

I know that I am not the only person who can't stand the freaking Duggars. Not only do they have 19 kids, they had a 25-weeker survive, and Mrs. Duggar had at least 13 successful VBACs! I know too many mothers who have lost their baby to uterine rupture from one VBAC attempt- and this lady gets to do is 13 times? I'm sorry, I find it so irritating. Then I hear how they want another baby!?! They are considering adoption because apparently Mrs. Duggar isn't getting any younger.

I am the type of person who like to find out why someone does something. What makes us tick? I can not help but wonder what makes these people feel the need to have baby, after baby, after baby. Part of me wonders if it's the publicity. Of course they love their children, who doesn't? But maybe they also love the fact that each new baby comes with lots of media attention. They are famous for being fertile.

My mom's fertile too, no one gave her a television show!

SWEET DREAMS

I dream often of having a baby. It's never her, but in my dreams I'm pregnant and often give birth to a little girl.

Last night I dreamt we adopted a little boy. He was was 3 or 4 and had a cherub face and blond hair. We drove to Indiana to adopt him. I distinctly remember telling my mom and step-dad we were adopting, and introducing them to him. Everyone fell in love with him right away, and I was so happy. We named him Nathan. My son and step-daughter loved him. I was so excited to have him in our family.

I woke up feeling so happy.

This dream has stayed with me all day today. I've thought about it often. It doesn't necessarily bother me, but it has left me feeling... unsettled? Uneasy? I'm not sure what the word is. It's just weighed heavily on my mind today.

I think that our dreams are often our subconscious trying to work through something.

I have not thought of having another baby for a long time. Why am I still dreaming like this? Am I going to dream like this forever?

PARENTING

I've been a mom for 13 years now. I feel like that gives me some sort of experience points or something. I feel like I've put in my time, and sometimes I even feel like I have it all figured out.

The other times, like lately, I feel like a total failure as a parent. It's hard to be a working mom. I'm not trying to get into the whole working mom debate, but I've done both. I can tell you for certain I could not have worked the job I'm currently in if my son was young. I couldn't. I have a hard time now and he's 13 years old! It's hard to be a working mom. I'm not talking about job, but a career (let's face it, there's a difference).

When my son was growing up I worked at a preschool and he came with me. I was a full time mom, even when I was working.

Now that I'm working a "real" job it's just so hard to juggle it all. I feel sometimes that my son is missing out. I can't participate in all the school activities like I used to. I can't attend every field trip like I used to. It makes me feel so guilty. The fact of the matter is my husband used to be the bread winner in our family and I didn't have to work. That is not the case anymore. This economy had hurt us financially. I was lucky enough to land a position with a company, and I've put in a lot of time and energy and earned a large raise and promotion. I love my job. I feel very confident that this is my career now, and I will eventually retire from this line of work.

But whenever I think of my son I feel an incredible amount of guilt. I feel sick to my stomach sometimes because I feel so guilty. I have flexible hours, so if he's sick or has something going on I can always attend. It's the best of both worlds, but I still feel guilty.

I'm sure part of this is because he's getting older and he's more interested in girls and friends than he is in his parents. I know this. But I can't help feeling like he's missing out.

Guilt. It is a parents worst enemy. It makes you allow behavior you know isn't right. It makes you buy things you know you shouldn't. It can make a rational parent act crazy.

**By the way, no news from my brother's doctor yet. I take that as a good sign. **

THE PLACE I GO

This is the place I go when life knocks me down. If you haven't heard from me in a long time, it's because life is going good. If you hear from me often, it's because life is sucking. That just seems to be the general rule for this blog.

I need prayers for my brother. He's been having pain in his back for about a year now. His doctor told him that it's just something he's going to have to live with. It's really beginning to effect him in other ways, and he just had a feeling that something wasn't right. He sought a second opinion, and the did an MRI of his back.

Turns out it wasn't "nothing".

I don't know all the details, but what ever is wrong with his back is something they often see if people with Multiple Sclerosis. Just typing those words makes me want to cry. My brother is 31, and doesn't have any children. He's not married, but he has a long term girlfriend. He's very active, and loves hiking and canoeing. The thought of him being disabled in anyway breaks my heart.

The thought of his struggling in any way breaks my heart!

My uncle's wife has MS. She found out about five years ago when she woke up one day and couldn't walk. She has good days and bad days, but she walks with a cane and life is definitely harder for her. She is the only person I really know with this disease, and all I can think of is it's unbearable to think of my brother like that.

I am close with my siblings. What happens to one of us happens to all of us.

Please pray.

IT'S BEEN AWHILE

I didn't realize it's been two weeks since I've posted anything here.

That infection really kicked my butt, and I have just now began to feel better.

The truth is I haven't had much to write. I have things I want to write about, things I think about. But when it comes down to typing them out I go blank.

My step-daughter is struggling with extreme morning sickness during this pregnancy. She was on a clear liquid diet a few weeks ago and had to resort to methods other than pills to stop her vomiting. When she was pregnant with her son I was so excited. We talked about the baby every day, and we shopped all the time. This time around I don't feel the same excitment. That's not to say I'm not excited, because I am. But I feel distant this time. I'm afraid that my distance during the pregnancy is going to mean I'm distant when the baby comes, especially if it's a girl. (I have a feeling that this baby is a girl.) I am afraid that I will not love this baby with my whole heart like I do my grandson. I know that once I see the baby I will fall in love. Logically, I know that.

But I can't help worrying that my relationship with this baby is going to be affected by the loss of my own baby.

I can't help but worry.

I'M TAKING A VACATION

A few things have happened this week. WeA booked our trip to Hawaii. Going in July. YIKES! I do not do well on a plane. I've only flown a few times, and it is not my favorite thing. It's actually my least favorite thing to do. Seriously. But it is a corporate trip, and my (wonderful) boss is paying for most of the trip for both my husband and myself- and he's not even expecting me to attend any of the corporate events! He just wants to say thank you for a job well done! So we will be spending 8 days in Hawaii, and I have to say I'm really excited. My husband and I haven't been on vacation alone (besides a weekend away) since our honeymoon. I'm already feeling guilty for leaving my son with my mom- but I shoudln't. He's going on a class trip for a week in September, and he's also going to Washington DC for a week in July.

I've been out of commission for the past few days- kidney & bladder infection. I didn't feel good the day before, but I thought it was a UTI, drank some cranberry juice and figured I go to the doctors if I didn't feel better the next day. I had no idea how sick I really was. I got up and went to work the next day. I was so fricking sick! I went to go to the bathroom and I literally felt like someone was kicking me in the back. The pain was so intense- it was a close second to my rupture. I ended up having to have my boss drive me home because I couldn't drive. I thought I was going to pass out. The doctor gave me some pretty strong antibiotics, and I felt better within a day. I still feel pretty crappy though. I went to the grocery store with my husband, and I was feeling faint. I must have been a lot sicker than I realized.

Also, my husband is the best. While I slept the day away, he cleaned the whole house, did the dishes, washed all the laundry (and folded it and put it away! Didn't just dump it on my bed.) He's such a good guy.

PICTURES

My four year old grandson was visiting today. He was walking around the house looking at pictures. He looked at a picture of Brenna, and said, "GG, that baby looks like you!"

You might think that it broke my heart to hear that but it didn't.

It warmed my heart.

Even thinking about it now makes me feel all warm and gushy inside. It was one of the best things anyone has said to me in a long time.

MY "BABY" IS 13!

My son turned thirteen yesterday. I seriously can not believe it. He is getting to the age where he perfers his friends over his parents. :(

He's growing up so fast, and as I watch him grow I can not believe that he is mine. Still. I can't believe it. He is such an amazing person, and I feel so blessed that he was given to me. He's smart, and funny, and handsome. (And I'm not just saying that because I'm his mom!). He is the light of my life. Everything I do in this life, I do for him.

I can not imagine my life without him.

I thank God for him everyday.

HAPPY BLOGOVERSARY

Today it's been two years since I created this blog. I wrote this post.

I can not thank you enough for being there for me when I really needed it.

I tell everyone who's just lost a child that blogging was the single thing that helped the most.

I truely mean that.

WHAT WAS THAT?

Last week I felt a very sharp pain on my right side. It surprised me and actually too my breath away. I was telling my friend who's in the medical field what happened. She laughed and said, "You probably just ovulated".

It's been so long since I ovulated I forgot when I felt like!!!

What caused me to ovulate? I suffer from PCOS and rarely "drop an egg" as my husband so lovingly calls it.

My doctor usually puts me on the Pill and has told me that if needed he'll prescribe gulcophage. (I haven't taken that yet). The Pill was making my hormones go nuts, so I finally decided to look into a natural way to take care of this.

I found this website about a month ago. Since then I have been taking a good multi vitamin, Chaste Tree (Vitex) and Gymnema. I have to say the results are evident. I just feel better overall. My current cycle was 28 days on the dot (I don't even know when the last time that happened- literally years!). When I had my period it wasn't super heavy like it sometimes is, just a regular flow that lasted three days. I am not hungry all the time, and I can tell that my blood sugar isn't rising and then crashing like it used to.

Oh, and I OVULATED.

I'M FAT

I'm not happy to tell you this, but I'm fat. I partly blame my PCOS (which I'll post about tomorrow) and I mostly blame myself. I used to be very, very thin. After I had my son I noticed that I was breaking out like a teenager, and my hormones went nuts. I lost the weight right away after he was born. But then I started having irregular periods, lots of ovarian cysts, and weight gain. I'm kind of mad that none of my doctors put these symptoms together and diagnosed me (I ended up diagnosing myself and taking my suspicions to my doctor!). I'd like to blame all the weight gain on my PCOS, but the truth is it's my fault.


I like food. I don't like sweets or candy, I like dinner! I like to eat out. I also don't get as much exercise as I should. Before I moved out here to the country I walked or rode my bike all the time. Out here there aren't sidewalks and I live on a main road. I actually have to get into my car and drive somewhere so I can go for a walk! It's kind of ridiculous! But there are other things I can do for exercise and I know it.


We bought a Wii Fit a while ago and I used it today. It mocked me. (My grandson asked me why my Mii Character had it's belly hanging out!!!) I was also surprised to realize I hadn't used it in over 200 days. In fact, before today I used it twice.


I see unflattering pictures of myself and I want to delete them all. Wouldn't it just be easier to lose the weight?


We've been making subtle changes around here. We've been planning out a menu each week, and sticking to actually cooking rather than going out for dinner. (We still usually go out on the weekends.) It's not only saving money, it's healthier. My husband and I have made a pact that we will workout on the Wii at least 3 days a week for at least 30 minutes each time. I've basically cut out soda. I don't buy it anymore. After a few days, I don't even want it! I do still have one occasionally, but I'd say I went from drinking 3-5 a day to drinking 1-2 a week. It's a big improvement.


We are going to Hawaii in July. I've set a goal for myself to loose 20 pounds in three months. I'd like to lose more by I want to keep my goal attainable. I also want to be accountable, so I've added a ticker at the top of this blog. Every time I come here I will see that thing staring at me, and I'll know that you all know if I'm not doing what I said I'd do.


Here goes nothing. Today is the day.


And, as your reward for reading this incredibly boring post. One of those "unflattering" pictures I was telling you about:


And you thought I was exaggerating.

MARCH 5th

She would have been two. Seems so wierd to say that. Two years have gone by, and I seriously can't believe it. Crazy. Some days it seems like 100 years ago, other days it seems like yesterday. What a long, crazy ride this grief has been.

Her birthday was good. Well, not good, but OK. You know what I mean.

My step-daughter sent me flowers to work, and everyone wanted to know what they were for. I didn't want to talk about it and I just told them it was because she loved me. Later when we were alone, my boss pointed to the flowers and asked "Does this have something to do with the baby?" "Yes" I said. "Her birthday" "How old would she have been?" "Two".

That was the first time I said it out loud.

It didn't sound any better coming out of my mouth than it did in my head.

My mom and step-dad came over to visit. They went to the cemetary, but there was so much snow there wasn't much to see. They brought an adorable statue of a baby laying in angel wings. I love it.

My son "got something in his eye" at school and my husband had to go pick him up.

I did fine all day. It didn't bother me that out of 5 sibilings, only one brother called me. It didn't bother me that not one of my friends said anything. It didn't bother me that my dad didn't call me. It didn't bother me that my husband didn't really say anything. OK I'm lying. It bothered me A LOT. But, in deadbabyland, it's something you get used to.

People forget our dead babies.

WHERE DOES THE TIME GO?

I can not believe it's been two years since I held you.

BIRTHDAYS

Brenna's birthday is on Friday. I'm torn between thinking it's just another day one minute, and then wanting to cry the next.

DREAMS

I don't think I've ever had a dream about Brenna. I've had dreams about me having a baby, or being pregnant, but they are never about her.

These past few months I've been having dreams about babies a lot. Being pregnant, adopting, finding a baby in a bush. In the dream, it doesn't seem to matter how I get the baby, but I always end up with one.

Although I'm OK with not having another baby, I'd be lying if I said that I don't want another one. I do. Very badly. But it is not in the cards for us, and I know that. It's still very hard for me when it seems like everyone close to me is having one, and I can't.

It's really hard to swallow. Especially when I can't even escape it in my sleep.

HELLO SPAMMERS

I apologize that I'm going to have to start moderating my comments. I've gotten several spam comments everyday for the past few weeks. I'm going to try a few things and see if that helps. Bear with me.

KIDS

My son is almost 13 years old. I can not believe it.

I look at him, and it's amazing to me that he is practically an adult.

He's not old enough. I'm not old enough!

These past few weeks months have been challenging. He's going through puberty, and it's wearing me thin. When my stepdaughter was this age she was emotional. I expected that. I did not expect this from my son.

There are days when if I even look at him he will loose his mind.

It is not fun.

But, Lord knows, I love him more than anything in this world.

Lucky for him.

SHOPPING

I saw this tee shirt online at Old. Navy today, and you know I had to buy it.

POSITIVE

My step-daughter called yesterday to tell me she is having another baby. I was immediately happy and really excited. She's 24 and married. I love her four year old son like nothing else, and I'm so happy to have another baby in the family.

I've mentally prepared myself for this. Although they weren't trying, common sense told me they would eventually have another baby. It was just a matter of time.

Surprisingly it does not bother me. Maybe because I feel like her babies are my babies. Maybe because I love her and want her to be happy. I'm not sure. Whatever the reason I could not be more excited.



Now my best friend is pregnant, and her pregnancy bothers me to no end. I hate talking to her about it. I think the reason is because deep down I don't feel she deserves it. For many reasons, which I would rather not go into detail about. But basically I'm being judgemental (I admit it) and I don't think she's lived her life right, and I don't feel like she deserves a baby. She's not a very good mom to the kid she already has. Why should she get another one to screw up?



I find myself doing that now: judging whether or not I feel someone "deserves" to have a baby. I have no idea who I consider to be worthy. Some pregnancies just bother me and others don't.



All I know is that I'm happy for this new baby to come into our lives.

TEARS

Before I became a mom I was a rather unemotional person. I got very happy and laughed all the time, but I really didn't get very sad. Nothing made me cry. While I was pregnant with my son I remember tearing up while watching Oprah and wonder what was wrong with me.

When my son was born I teared up, which was basically like bawling my eyes out for me.

I remember when I realized I was changing: My son's first few days home from the hospital. I had taken a nap (hello exhaustion!). I awoke to discover the my husband had taken the baby for an hour or so. They returned home probably 15 minutes after I woke up, but I sat by the window and cried my eyes out. I was an emotional wreck. I thought I was going crazy.

It was like motherhood opened something up in me.

Tweleve years later, after I had Brenna, I find myself crying at commercials.

Losing her has opened up something else in my. It's a whole new emotional level that I've never experienced.

THE SADDEST DAY

Obviously the loss of my daughter was the saddest event in my life, but the day she was born wasn't the saddest day for me. At the hospital many things were happening. There were people visiting, nurses and doctors, and lots of medication in my veins. It felt like a dream.

When I came home my son stayed the night at my brother's house. Our home was so quiet. Lonely. I have never felt so sad in my entire life. I was literally the saddest day of my life. Even sadder than when she was born or buried. It was just awful. Even now when I think about it, I can feel what that day felt like. It was the most hopeless feeling I've ever felt.

"It was the saddest day of my life". I hear people say that all the time. But was it really the saddest day? Do they really mean that.

There is no doubt in my mind that, for me, the first day home from the hospital was the saddest day of my life.

VALENTINES DAY

This year my husband and I went the same bed and breakfast we went to last year. My brother and his girlfriend stayed there too. We had a great time. Each room has a journal where guests of that room can write in. Some are sweet- like the lady who wrote about her brother's wedding; some are funny- "Was that a beaver I saw in the front yard?". My brother's girlfriend was reading the book from her room. We were laughing about some of the things in there. Then she handed me the book and said, look who wrote this entry. There written at the bottom of the page was the name Brenna. What are the odds?

POOR BABY

Rosie

No, my Christmas tree is not still up! This is from December.

My husband ended up taking Rosie into the vet yesterday. Her "scrape" turned out to be much worse than we thought. She acutally took a chunk of flesh off- we just couldn't tell because it had scabbed over. She ended up have to stay at the vets and had surgery last night to clean out the wound and stitch it up. They wanted her to stay overnight, but my husband knew I'd be a wreck so he drove to pick her up last night (in a blizzard) and assured the doctor we'd keep a good eye on her. Of course I feel incredibly guilty that we didn't realize this was a serious injury, she knows it and she's milking it for everything it's worth!


The amount of money we have spent at the vets this past year is insane. He must get so excited when he sees us pull in the driveway.


At least she got a kick ass shave down on part of her body. I think it works for her.

GRIEF IS EXPENSIVE

Back in the early days after we lost Brenna I did something that I really shouldn't have done: I shopped. I bought things that we really couldn't afford. Several times a week I found myself shopping, and buying things that we didn't even need. This went on for a few months. I thought it was just something I was doing, but then I heard other moms saying they found themselves doing the same thing. It was like a temporary fix. A moment of happiness.

Yesterday I realized I haven't been shopping in several months. It's not because we can't afford it. It's because I don't feel the need to shop like I did when I was hurting.

Baby steps.

BABY STEPS

I apologize for those of you who keep coming to this blog, only to find it neglected for a week or two. I suck. I know.

I have many things I want to blog about. I've started several posts, really I have. But I haven't been able to get my thoughts down. I'm working. A lot. I don't like it. Well, that's now true. I like my job. But I hate the guilt that working brings. I feel like I'm neglecting my son (who, truth be told, I don't think even notices I'm gone!). I am having a hard time finding a balance between work and life. My job is very demanding, and I find myself thinking about work all the time. I've even been dreaming about it. I've been making an effort to really stop obsessing about work while I'm not at work. It's a start. Baby steps.

My friend who I spoke about before had her baby. Big, healthy baby boy. I have not seen him yet, because we don't live in the same city, but I will. I was happy and excited for her. It wasn't until later that I realized I didn't feel any jealousy or pain. Baby steps.

My puppy Rosie got hurt the other night. I don't know what happened to her, but she has a big scab on her side. I feel so bad for her. She's kind of a sissy though, and acts like your trying to kill her if you even look at the scab. Cleaning it has been an experience. Because of that her fur had to be cut, and so now she's going to have to get all her long fluffy baby fur cute down, which kind of makes me sad.

We are also planning a trip to Florida around my sons birthday in April. I was not happy to see that Universal Studios has raised their prices considerably. Like $60 a person, which I think is crazy. (FYI: I'm open to all travel tips!)

That's about it: dog, work, kid. I must be the most boring person on the planet. Why is anyone even reading this!?!

MLK

My favorite Martin Luther King quote:

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

This is on a plaque in my living room. I read it everyday. When I am faced with a tough decision, those words always run through my mind.

COMING TO TERMS

My cycles have been crazy these past few months. One month my period will come as expected, the next month is it will be two, sometimes three weeks late. This last time it was late of course the thought of pregnancy crossed my mind. For a moment I felt a little excited, but mostly I felt afraid. I don't know what a pregnancy would mean for my health, because there is no way to tell how my scar will hold up. There is the distinct possibility my uterus would re-reupture. A pregnancy would be high risk. My rupture occured at the top of my uterus, an area that is the thinnest part of your uterus to began with. It would be touchy. I would have to be monitored closely, and most certainly have to deliver early.

Besides the health aspect, the fact of the matter is I like my life how it is. I don't really want to chance things.

Of course if we had a baby, I would love it. That goes without saying.

But I'm happy now. I'm content with it, and I've learned to cherish what I have.

It's taken me awhile to accept. But I've come to terms with the fact that another baby is not in the cards for us. And I'm OK with that.

HURTING

My friend J (who recently lost her husband) is having a very hard time. She can't sleep at night, and when she does she had nightmares. I've been talking with her, and she told me yesterday that she thought she was going crazy. "You're sad! Not crazy." I told her. She said she didn't expect it to hurt this bad. She told me some days she feels great, and some days she doesn't want to wake up. Everything reminders her of him. She doesn't know how she's going to go on.

I could relate to everything she was saying.

I knew what she was talking about.

I know she is hurting, and I wish there was something more I can do for her. But I know, like many of you do, that the best thing I can do it listen.