Tuesday, September 30, 2008


Is there a way to make a post private on blogger? Just one post. If you know, please help me!

Sunday, September 28, 2008


I watched part of a football game today. I'm sure everyone in deadbabyland has heard about Matt Bryant the kicker from Tampa Bay who's three month old son died unexpectedly of unknown causes. I never watch football. His team was playing the Packers, and my husband doesn't follow either of those teams. But it just happened to be on today while we were doing things around the house. My husband pointed out to me that the guy on the TV was the man who had lost his son. I watched him kick the winning field goal. I saw the look of pain on his face, and knew what that look meant. I never thought I would ever have anything in common with a football player. But as I sat there watching that on TV, and even as I write this now, I feel such a sense of connection with this man. It was quite a moment. The announcer said something about not being able to make this stuff up- this was the stuff movies are made of. It had that magical feeling to it. I couldn't help but be touched by that. It really was an awe inspiring moment.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

You Learn To Live With It

A mother who lost her baby years ago recently commented that the pain is always there, you just learn to live with it. As the days and months go by, I'm starting to realize that is so true. On the outside I am pretty much my former self. I laugh, and go out with friends, and I actually enjoy life. But on the inside, many changes have taken place. I think about Brenna everyday. I think about her many times everyday. For the most part I think of her in a longing way, not in a way that makes my heart break. But if I allow myself to go back to that place, back to 6 months 3 weeks and 1 day ago, I will fall apart. The grief and agony will come rushing back to me. I will cry and wail, and wonder why. So, I don't let myself go to that place. It does not seem healthy to me to keep on dwelling on that day. I have daily reminders. My scar still hurts. The other day I had indigestion, and it reminded me of her kicks, and at that moment I really, really missed her. I ached for her.

It still seems unreal to me how much I miss her. This little person that I wanted for so long. That was with me for such a short time. That I hardly knew. But I really do miss her. I miss her so much at times it hurts.

But for the most part, the thoughts of her are not painful. They are more longing than anything. Thinking about what would have been- what should be. Today I had to go to my sons school to meet with the librarian. She was going to show me how the computer program worked. The last thing I expected to see was a brand new baby in his car seat. I immediately stopped in my tracks and thought, "Oh great". It took me a moment to open that door. That hasn't happened to me in awhile, and it kind of surprised me. Luckily it was a boy. She told me he was born in July and was going on 3 months old. I had to stop myself from calculating how old Brenna should have been. I had to stop myself from thinking how they would have been in the same preschool. Gone to school together...

I can't let myself go there. That is how I drown in my grief. That is how I get dragged down. Thinking what if, and letting myself think those thoughts. I can't go there.

Grief seriously sucks. That is all I can say about it. It sucks. I don't like it, but I am learning to live with it.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008


I did not plan on posting tonight, but this has bothered me so much I have to tell you all. This happened. Basically a couple was driving home and some dumbass kid was drunk driving, ran a stop sign, and hit them. The woman was eight months pregnant. The crash actually ripped open her uterus, the baby came out, and his ambilical cord was severed. He ended up bleeding to death through his ambilical cord.

Have you ever heard of anything worse? I think the part that bothers me the most is that she will never get to hold her baby (because she is in a coma, and will be for weeks). She will never get to see what he really looked like or know how small he was. She will never get to kiss him, or smell him, or cradle him in her arms. For those of you who've lost a baby, you know how important that is.

Please pray for Angie. She is still in a coma, and if she survives, she is expected to have a very long recovery. She will not walk for a year. Please keep her and baby Logan in your thoughts.

Friday, September 19, 2008

If We Could Have Saved You...

My mom bought a grave marker that I just love. It says, "If we could have saved you, you'd live forever." I thought it was perfect.

My mom lives about 50 miles away from me, and when we actually buried the baby we didn't have anyone there. So I took her and my brother to the cemetery for the first time a few weeks ago. I could tell it really bothered my mom. She was getting emotional, but didn't really cry. You could hear it in her voice though. Why doesn't it extract the same reaction from me? That was the first time I've been there since we buried her. You would think I would have been a blubbering mess. Instead I just pointed it out matter-of-factly as if I was showing them some kind of landmark. I guess I just prefer to grieve in private. Or I need to see a shrink. I'm not sure which.

I guess I'm feeling terrible because I don't feel like I've grieved in the "normal" stereotypical way you expect someone to grieve. I'm not your typical deadbabymama. I've only really cried over this once with my husband. I didn't cry at her funeral. I'm beginning to feel like there is something seriously wrong with me. I am devoid of sadness. I feel it, but I do not express it. Am I a freak?

They say grief comes in waves, and I guess I am on a "down" wave. I really miss her. Just typing those words is so painful. I boggles my mind how I can miss her. I barely knew her. She was in my life such a short time, how can I miss her? But I do. I've never been one of those women who enjoys pregnancy. But I miss being pregnant. I miss her kicks. I just miss her. I want her back, and I feel myself getting mad at God for taking her away. Because I thought by now I'd be able to understand why this happened. But I still have no idea. Logically, I know it's not true, but I can't help but feeling like I'm being punished for something. I can't help but feel like, "What did I do wrong?" Maybe I'm feeling like this because all week long I've been thinking about how I pictured this September to be. I planned on having a baby right now. I thought my life was going to be much different. I miss the life I had planned. It's so unreal to me. How can one little person I never even really met make such an impact on my life. One, unfinished baby has changed the course of my life forever. How is that possible?

I think I may have given up the TTC (trying to conceive) dream. I can not bare the thought of loosing another baby. I can't. I can not bare the thought of something being wrong with the baby, and what if I cause it because he/she has to be delivered early because of my crappy uterus? Then what? There are just too many unknowns, and I don't know that I am willing to take that risk.

It's not that I've lost my faith. I've just lost my confidence.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

The Elusive Baby

Can you see the baby in the picture above?
Like the picture above, I was not looking for a baby. But when I found her, I could not stop looking at her. I see her all the time now. Even when I'm trying not to see her, I still find her.

Friday, September 12, 2008


13 years ago I was in high school (did I say 13? It feels like 3!) I had moved out and was living with two friends. I worked at a sports bar because that is where I could make the most money in the shortest amount of time. And lets face it, I felt cool working there when I was only 18.

I still remember the first time I met him. I was working Pub Crawl and felt really sick. I think I had taken too many No Doz, if you must know. I had to go home. My manager brought over the new guy to work for me. He called him Doubles. I remember the first time I saw him. My first thoughts were, this guy is kinda old to be working here isn't he?

Later I found out that he had a regular job. He was new in town and took this job to make some extra money and meet new people. He knew the manager's girlfriend. That's how he got the job.

I remember the first time I met his little girl. She was nine. Long blond hair. Really cute. I had just graduated. I was working a Saturday afternoon and the two of them stopped in for a pop after rollerblading. I remember thinking how adorable she was. She really loved her dad.

Had you told me 13 years ago that they would become two of the most important people in my life, I would have laughed. Had you told me that "Doubles" was going to be the love of my life. The one I can't life without. The father of all three of my children. I wouldn't have believed you.

Looking back on that day in May 1995, I never would have guessed that I had just met the most important person in my life. I never realized how life changing that moment was. I had no clue my life had just taken a new path.

When I met my future husband I was not the awesome person you now know. I would venture to say I was a mess. I had problems.

But he loved me anyway.

He has a lot to do with the person I am now. He has loved me unconditionally. We've had our share of hard times. We've certainly had out ups and downs. But we've never separated. We've always relied on each other. We've always been there for each other. Neither of us is perfect, but we are oblivious to each other's imperfections. I can not tell you how many times people have said to me, "I want what you have". He did not come out of a box like this, you know. It's taken a long time for us to get where we are now. But we've always stuck it out. And it was worth it.

Every important thing I've done in my life, I've done with him. He's been by my side every step of the way. I can not imagine my life without him.

Ten years ago today we got married. I was 21, he was 37. I think it's safe to say not many people thought we would make it, but I was oblivious to it. I still am.

Happy Anniverary, Honey. You are without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me. Thank you for my babies. Thank you for loving me the way you do. Most of all, thank you for giving me that ride home on November 26, 1995. Little did I know that ride was going to change my life.
And for your viewing pleasure. He's an oldie of us together.
New Years 1996

September 12, 1998

And us now!

Thursday, September 11, 2008


It's kind of hard to feel sorry for myself when I think of all the people who died 7 years ago today. I remember that day well. My mother-in-law was very ill and I'd been taking care of her for about a year. She had a stroke and for some reason always called me Mel (the nickname of my husband's ex-wife, who had passed away several years before). She always felt bad about calling me that, and honestly it didn't bother me. I got used to it. She woke me up that morning yelling down to me, "Mel, I need some breakfast!" I remember being so annoyed. My 4 year old son had just started preschool, and I was hoping I would be able to get him on the bus and then sleep in. Nope. I got up and made her usual breakfast of eggs and toast. I remember as I walked into the living room and delivered her meal to her TV tray, the news caught my eye. She was watching the Today Show and they were showing the first tower. It was smoking and they said a plane hit it. I remember how innocent we were then. How we thought it must have been someone learning to fly who made a wrong turn. It never occurred to us that something evil was happening. Even when I watched the plane fly into the second tower, and turned to my mother in law and asked, "What is going on?" it still did not occur to me that someone was out to hurt us. I was still innocent, and did not realize there were people in this world that hated us. Terrorist was not in my vocabulary. I remember when they first said it could be the work of terrorists. Every hair on my body stood up. I called my mom. My kids were at school, and I wanted them home. I also remember how strange it was that life went on as normal for us. Even as something so horrible was happening that day, I still had to take my mother in law to dialysis. I still had to pick my girlfriend up from work. I got a speeding ticket that day. Life went on as normal. It was surreal.

I didn't know it at the time, but that was the beginning of my fertility issues. I actually thought I was pregnant on September 11, 2001. I hadn't had a period for awhile, and even though the pee stick said no, I didn't know what else it could be. Oh, I was innocent in more ways then one back then.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

6 X 6

1.Do you feel as though a higher entity/supreme being/energy force has a presence in your life? What do you call it, and what makes you feel it exists?
Yes, I believe that very much. God. I've felt his presence at the most critical times in my life.

2. Describe, in a word or two, the nature of your spiritual self before and then after the loss of your baby/babies.
The same.

3. Do you pray, even if you wouldn’t call it praying? To whom? What for?
I pray daily. For everything... you, me, peace, needs, safety... you name it-- I've prayed for it.

4. Is there a particular line of scripture/teaching/sentiment that you find particularly helpful? Or is there one that’s commonly referred to but is unhelpful?
There isn't one that I think of. What I don't find helpful is when people say things like, "God needed another angel" or stuff like that. Of course I believe she is an angel, but I don't believe God took her so he could have her.

5. Did your faith offer rites, rituals or teachings that acknowledged your baby and your healing? If not (or if you didn't seek it out in an organized fashion), what rites, rituals or mantras have you adopted as your own?
We had a funeral, does that count?

6. Some people say that in a foxhole (a desperate, life-threatening situation), there are no atheists. You’ve been in a foxhole. Discuss.
I think Steven Curtis Chapman said it best. (His daughter recently died when she was struck by a car driven by her older brother.) He said, "The only thing more frightening than walking through what we're walking through with our faith, would be to walk through it alone, cursing God." I can not imagine the despair I would feel if I did not have my faith in God. I can not fathom the emptiness I would feel if I did not believe I would see my daughter in heaven when I die. I do believe that my faith in God is the reason why I've been able to "bounce back" after my loss. That's not to say I haven't had my bad days, because I have. But overall, I think I'm doing rather well, all things considered. I also find that, in general, women who have a very strong faith in God have an easier time grieving. (I know that does not apply to everyone, and I don't mean to imply that if you are having a hard time you don't have a strong faith. It's just a general observation.)

Monday, September 8, 2008

Should Be...

Today has just been a craptastic day. My periods have been horrible since my surgery. Last month on Brenna's due date, I don't think I blogged about this, but as if the day wasn't shitty enough, my body had to start the most horrible, bloody period of all time. It was like even mother nature had to remind me of what I didn't have.

I have felt like crap today. I could say it's my period, but it's not. I didn't know what it was, but today just felt crappy. I was sad all day, and I don't feel like myself at all. Then it dawned on me-- she should be one month old today. Today is the 8th.

We went to a wedding this weekend, and there was a few babies there. We were all pregnant at the same time. It sucked my ass. That is probably why I drank too much. I ended up dropping my camera and breaking it. That of course, was the topper to an otherwise perfect day.

Then my friend called me to tell me that an old friend was killed in a car accident. Carrie and I worked together as teenagers at the same restaurant. I remember when she started dating Dan who also worked with us. At the time, I had no idea that they would date through college and end up getting married. She had a one year old son, and was seven months pregnant with a little girl when she died. From what I understand her husband lost control of the car and ended up crashing into a tree. Carrie and the baby died, and her husband is in critial condition and may not make it. Their son was in the car, but he wasn't seriously injured. I hadn't seen her in a few years, but we did go to the same church as teenagers, and I got to know her through there. She was a vibrant person who everyone liked. She was one of those people who was genuinely nice. She was always smiling and bubbly. She was just a wonderful person. Please keep her family in your thoughts and prayers. Especially her little guy, who won't even get to know how wonderful his mother was.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Six Months

The six month mark almost came and went without me realizing it. But I remembered.

This month is much easier than last month. Of course I am still sad, but I do not feel that crushing grief I used to feel. I don't feel like dying when I see pregnant ladies or new babies. I feel like Me more and more each day. I missed Me. I miss laughing until I cry (which I did today, and loved it). I guess, if anything, this loss has taught me to charish the small things. Don't take them for granted, because I now know what life is like without them.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008