Saturday, October 30, 2010


I know in the back of their mind everyone is wondering how I'm feeling. Is this hard for me? Does it bring up bad memories?

Well, there was no need for me to worry about how much I would love him, because the second I saw him I fell in love. I can't get enough of him. Truth be told I'm glad he's not a girl. I don't know if that would have changed things, but I suspect it might have been harder.

I did not shed one tear at the hospital. I expected to feel some sort of sadness, but I didn't feel anything like that at all. I don't feel sad in anyway, which is kind of surprising, but not really.

Looking at the pictures of my new grandson with my older grandson all I can feel is... guilt. Yes, guilt. I really am overcome with a huge sense of guilt that we didn't have another baby sooner and give this to my son. Mason is so excited to have a little brother, and I remember how excited Brendan was that I was having a baby. I really wish we would have had another baby when he was little. I tried to talk my husband into trying, but he didn't want another one. He felt we had our hands full with the two kids we had. I know deep down he's right. There were a lot of things going on in our lives at that time... financially we couldn't have afforded it... I was taking care of my mother in law for a good two years... Jenna was a teenager from hell :)... there was just so many things that would have made it difficult.

But I know it wouldn't have been impossible. We could have made it work.

While I am totally in love with my new grandson, I can't help but feel guilty that we didn't give my son this same experience.

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