Tuesday, June 30, 2009


Let me clarify from my last post that I don't make it a habit to swear at my husband. Not even when I'm angry. I also have never thrown anything at him in our entire life. I was just so mad and relieved at the same time I lost it for a second. (I was also about 40 feet away from him, and knew I didn't have a shot in hell of hitting him.)
I also have to share this little nugget I found at Post Secret. I just love it.

Monday, June 29, 2009


The worst possible thing happened to me today:

I came home from work, and no one was home. My husband has a golf league and leaves right before I get home, but my 12 year old should have been there. The TV is one. His laptop is open. The dishwasher is running. The back door is open. He is no where to be found. His shoes are by the door. He couldn't be far. I call him, and look all over the house. Nothing. I call the neighbor- hasn't seen him. I call his friend's mom- no answer. I call the neighbor- hasn't seen him. I walk around outside, and really start to worry. He's no where. I call my stepdaughter- she hasn't seen him. I keep calling my husband's cell phone- he doesn't answer. That isn't unusual because he doesn't have service on the golf course. I go back in the house and notice that the deadbolt is locked on the front door. If someone came, they would have to come to the back, and the dogs would have let everyone around know someone was here. I go next door (the house is literally in my back yard) and ask them if the the dogs have barked. I know they would go insane if anyone came to our house. Nope. They've been quiet all day. I go to the other neighbor and then the other. No one has seen him. The old lady down the road and another neighbor come out and start calling for him with me. I walk all over our property looking for him. Thinking maybe he fell and broke a leg. Nothing. I notice his track shoes are missing. I think maybe he took of running and hurt himself. There's only one road, and you can see for at least a mile each way, and I can't see anything. If he went that way he's not there anymore. I keep trying to call my husband. He isn't answering. I try to find the golf course number in the book, and I can't think straight. By this time I'm praying, and sick to my stomach. I literally think I'm going to throw up. I don't get panicky easily, but by now I'm full on panicked. I finally sit down on the deck and find the golf course number. I call and they tell me he left early because of the rain. Great, I think, he must be with his dad. I keep calling my husband, he still isn't answering. I call every place I think he could be. After a half an hour the neighbor girls says "Here he is. But he's alone. No one is in the car with him". My heart sinks. I can feel myself starting to cry. I run over and yell "Where is B?" He looks at me like I'm insane. I've got my hand on the phone ready to call the police. "He's at boy scouts" he tells me. "What!?!" I yell. "You asshole" I throw the phone at him, half in relief, half in anger. "Didn't you think I'd wonder where he is!?!" "Oh" says my husband "I didn't even think about it".

I seriously wanted to kill him. But I've never been so relieved in my life.

Sunday, June 28, 2009


I read on Yahoo (my only source of news) that Billy Mays (the Oxi Clean guy) died. I was just watching a commercial of his. I hardly ever see commercials anymore (thank you DVR) but I was watching one of his and I wondered why he was yelling every word. It was like he was so geeked up by the Kaboom that he couldn't contain himself. He did have an energy that I admired though. The article I read said he died in his sleep. If I had to choose, that's how I would want to go.


Update on my missing dog: Someone contacted me this morning and said her mom lives a few miles away from me. She said that her mom had a female chihuahua that looked a lot like ours, and that her's was also stolen from her yard. It happened Saturday while she was having a yard sale. I am really, really bothered by this. It was almost more comforting when I thought he was probably dead. At least then I knew he wasn't afraid, and no one was hurting or neglecting him. Now I wonder what kind of wierdo he is with, and hope that they aren't being mean to him.

I keep asking my husband why couldn't they have taken our bad dog. Why'd they take the good one?

Saturday, June 27, 2009


Even if you are living under a rock, you know by now that Michael Jackson is dead. Am I the only one who is bothered by all this media coverage talking about how sad his death is. These are the same reporters who were ready to burn him at the stake four years ago when he was on trial for child molestation. Hello? Remember that? He was like public enemy number one. Now he is like Jesus himself. I just don't get it.

The man was a performer. I'll give him that. He was amazing, and I don't think we'll ever see another performer like Michael Jackson in my lifetime.

But I just find it so hypocritical that those who used to bash him, now gush about how much they love him. Give me a break.

Thursday, June 25, 2009


Somebody stole my efing dog! I am serious. Our poor, old chihuahua Peanut was taken right out of our yard. That might not be all that shocking if I lived in an actual city- but I live on 20 acres out in the middle of no where. Someone would have to drive in my driveway or walk a long ways (miles) to get into my yard to get my dog. I get sick to my stomach thinking that someone may be out there being mean to him. So I'm hoping that where ever he is, he's being loved.
If you live in Michigan and see a small, skinny, tan chihuahua with a mole on his face- he's probably mine.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

POST #302

This is my 302nd post. I didn't realize when I posted #300! :(

So, we had to find a new home for Gizzy. I really liked him, and wanted to keep him, but he had major issues. More than I was able to handle. I didn't feel comfortable letting him be with my son anymore, and that is when it became obvious that he needed a new home. He just wasn't loving it here. He has major dominance issues, and needed to be the only pet in a child free home. We found the perfect home for him. A disabled man who lives with his adult son. His son travels and the man is often alone. He's been looking for a dog for awhile. I just happened to run across him, and he already emailed me and told me that he thinks Gizzy is going to work out just fine. I was up front about his issues and the man wasn't bothered by them. So, I'm hoping that it will work out for him.

Now, the search begins again for another dog.

Monday, June 22, 2009


On Saturday we went to see Michigan's only Petroglyphs. What are they, you ask. They are ancient carvings that are about 800 years old. With the state of Michigan's economy, we can't afford to keep them open, so they are only open one day a year now. It was the first time I have seen them, and they were amazing.

You could get right up to them. You could actually touch the rock. I kept looking at these carvings, these mysteries, and wondering what they meant. Did the person (or people) who carved these so many lifetimes ago know that someday people would be in awe of them?

Which got me thinking about this blog.

Years from now, I hope that people look at it and wonder what in the hell I mean by Still Birth. I really hope that there is no such thing as Deadbabyland. I hope that these writings are a mystery to them- something they can't comprehend.

Sunday, June 21, 2009


I wish that I could have a dad like my husband. He is a loving, gentle, and patient father. I hope my kids know how lucky they are to have him. I certainly know how lucky I am to have him.

I remember when I first realized what kind of father he was. We had just started dating, and we were roller blading with his daughter. She was 9 at the time. She fell pretty hard and hurt herself. I can still remember her cry of "Daddy!" He picked her up and carried her to a bench. He was so gentle with her. I remember actually being a little envious, because I had never had that.

Last week we were working outside and I cut myself. It was a long way back to the house and I was bleeding pretty good. My husband offered his tee shirt to help stop the blood on the way to the house. He took my arm and I expected him to put pressure on it. Instead he tenderly cleaned around the area, and then gently put pressure on it.

It's little things like these that make me realize what kind of a man I am married to.

This Father's Day all I can think of to say to him is:

Thank you for my babies.

Thursday, June 18, 2009


Anyone who has lost a child will tell you- our pets become our "children". Well, I have a new baby. He's a rescue and we picked him up yesterday:

He's a Shih Tzu. His name was Gizmo, but we changed it to Gizzy (because we are oh-so-creative!). My husband calls him and my other Shih Tzu, Daisy "book ends".

They aren't identical- Daisy is 11 years old, and Gizzy is only 2- but they do look a lot alike. They love each other. Started playing right away. Originally we were just going to keep him until he found a new home, but we really like him. He just fit right in with us. My son says he has a familiar face- like we've known him before.

Must have been meant to be.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


Not Me Monday Tuesday.

I did not feel guilty for working late, and let my son stay up late last night.

I did not pay for it this morning when he wouldn't get up.

I am not tired of writing about my dog rolling in poop because she did not do it again yesterday.
(Seriously, I have no idea why she is doing this and if anyone had a suggestion as to how to stop this I would love to hear it.)

I did not eat Spaghetti-o's With Meatballs for dinner last night.

I defiantly did not pick out the meatballs and feed them to the dog.

I certainly didn't buy my whole family (including the dogs!) matching 4th of July shirts from Old Navy. That would be very nerdy. Even for me.

Monday, June 15, 2009


I don't want to share specifics because it's not my story to tell, but something scarred the shit out of me today. Someone suffered her second uterine rupture and lost her second child this weekend. It really freaks me out. I can't even imagine it happening twice! I really just can't imagine. That is my worst nightmare.

Saturday, June 13, 2009


The April Rose saga continues. I don't know whether I should pity Beccah Rose Beushausen or be angry at her.

I can't help but feel very sorry for her because she is obviously deeply disturbed.

On the other hand I am sickened that she has received all this attention! She was featured in the Chicago Tribune and ABC News for crying out loud! http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-baby-hoax-12jun12,0,5601624.story?page=1


When I read that this had happened I posted about it because it was kind of shocking that someone could carry on this type of lie for so long. I did not realize the extent of her lie. I did not realize that she actually reported the birth- and death- of her "daughter". Just typing those words makes me sick to my stomach. She preyed on all of us who have lost a child, who are so willing to reach out and help another mother who is facing the same crisis. I fear that our community has become jaded. I fear that when there is a new mother in need, we will be hesitant to come to their rescue.

This is the blog world. We can be who ever we want to be when we sit at our keyboard. We alone choose what we do and don't share. We shape the perception that our readers have of us. Maybe I'm fooling myself, but I like to think that the majority of the things I read in deadbabyland are true.

For the record, I will tell you that I don't believe for one second that Beccah started this hoax to raise awareness to the pro life movement. There is no way. She went out of her way to contact MckMamma at mycharmingkids and ask her to direct traffic to her blog. She accepted money from several people that I know of. The only reason I can see why someone would do this, is because they are benefiting financially from it. Even if she was making two cents a hit on her blog- with all the hits her blog had that would be more the $15,000!

I would also like to point out that I believe she was the only person involved in this scam. The Pass Pregnancy Care Center had no idea she was asking for donation on their behalf. http://www.southtownstar.com/news/1620755,061309hoaxerside.article

I'm done talking about this now. I've been thinking about it for the past few days, and I just felt that I needed to clear the air before I moved on.

***Edited to add***
I just saw this on Blogher and it looks like Beccah won't be getting any money from them.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009


Wow. I had no idea that sharing a few links about a fake deadbaby story would cause so much commotion. Let me clarify. I did not spew hatred or say anything negative towards anyone. All I said is who would do this (a question) and that I was speechless (a statement). The title of the post itself was a question! I really see no reason for anyone to lash out at me. I have not really followed that blog, and I don't know the specifics. I was just astounded that anyone would think of doing such a thing.

For the record, I think that all "b" has to do to prove herself is to post a picture of herself with her baby. If someone were saying that my dead child had never existed I would flood my blog with pictures and proof of her existence. I wouldn't retreat and delete my blog.

But that's just me.

Monday, June 8, 2009


I don't want to share specifics because it's not my story to tell, but something scarred the shit out of me today. Someone suffered her second uterine rupture and lost her second child this weekend. It really freaks me out. I can't even imagine it happening twice! I really just can't imagine. That is my worst nightmare.


Who in the hell fakes their own babies birth and death just to get attention?

This person has left me speechless.




Saturday, June 6, 2009

7 Things

Lindsay nominated me for this award.

I have to list seven things I love, and seven bloggers I love.
Here are my seven things

1. I love God. I am not a perfect person. I sometimes swear. I like to drink beer on occasion. But, I love the Lord. I sometimes wonder where He is leading my life, but I always know He is leading it.

2. I love my husband. There is no doubt in my mind that he is the person I was meant to spend my life with. Sometimes he irritates me (like a few days ago when he left the gallon of milk on the counter all night!) but I would not trade him for the world. I know we are an odd couple. I know not everyone thinks we "go together", but I really don't care. He has a tendency to be kind of a jerk at times- but never to me. He has a soft spot for me and I know- and love it!

3. My kids. Everyone always says that being a mom is their most important job but I really feel that I was put on this earth to mother my children. I love them more than words can even express.

4. My grandson. He is the light of my life. I could not love him more if I gave birth to him myself. I thought it would be weird being a grandma so young, but I love it. I wouldn't change it for the world.

5. My family. My siblings mean the world to me. I have so much fun with them. I couldn't imagine being an only child. My mother has sacrificed so much for us. There are a lot of things about my mom that I admire.

6. My dog. She's a shih tzu that we rescued 10 years ago. She's 11 now, and I already get sad when I think about her not being around anymore. I love her like a child. I really mean that. I love her. She's had her moments though- like when she killed a kitten years ago- and the summer that she ripped out every screen in our house- but she's over her issues and is a wonderful dog. I half jokingly tell my husband that I'm saving her DNA to clone her. If I had the money I would seriously do it.

7. Shopping. Let's face it. It's at the top of my list. I love shopping. I love a good "deal". I live near an outlet mall, and it's had disastrous consequences for my checkbook. I can't remember the last time I paid full price for anything. I never pay retail. If it's not on sale, I won't buy it. One time I bought an office chair (the one I'm sitting on right now) for $50. The receipt said "You saved $149". I still have that receipt. I was so proud of it.

Seven bloggers that I love

JenJen- My uterine rupture sister
Katie- who loves people even when they don't deserve it.
CLC- who gave me good advice as the beginning of this journey
Kristie- the first DBM I met
Christine- my DBM guru
Aunt Becky- just because she's funny

Wednesday, June 3, 2009


I have a confession to make. I am a shitty deadbabymama. I am embarassed to tell you that I have not been a very good mom to Brenna. I rarely go to her grave. In fact, I just went there for this first time this year. The last time I was there was, I think, October. I just hate going there- being there means it's real, and I like to pretend it's not real. I think of her daily, but the longer it's been since she died, the longer I think of her in an abstract sense. I never say her name, calling her The Baby instead. When someone does say her name it's like a shot in the gut to me. My son has never been to her grave. I've only went there once with my husband, and that was the day we burried her. Today when I went I immediatly looked away. Like turning my head made it not real. I remember doing the same thing in the hospital when the nurse tried to show me a picture of her. I am so embarassed to tell you this, but she still doesn't have a headstone. I just don't want to face it. I've looked online, and I know what I want, but I just can't get myself to go and buy one. I feel like the worst mother in the world. It is my job to honor her, and I am failing at that. If it wasn't for the things my mother bought her, she would have an unmarked grave. Holy shit, I am really feeling horrible now. I feel like I am doing great, but I'm not so sure. I don't know if it's healthy to be in this much denial.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009


Mrs. Muelly Tagged me.

THE RULES:Mention who tagged you. Complete the list of 8's. Tag 8 other people.



-Going to Hawaii next year.

-Remodeling our house. New drywall, carpet, doors, etc. Can't wait!

-School getting out this Friday for my son.

-Getting my bonus from a big project at work.

-Planning a family vacation this summer and actually being able to go!

-Spending time at our cabin and getting things accomplished there.

-Convincing my hubby we need a new puppy!


-Put out approximately 8,792 fires at work. (busy day)

-Took my son to scouts.

-Went to a meeting to represent a committee I chair.

-Got bitched at by one of our local crazies.

-Forgot my dad's birthday.

-Watched the Season Finale of Medium

-Cooked dinner for my family

-Downed three beers and felt much better after that hellish day!


-Make babies.

-Speak another language fluently.


-Fly in an airplane without freaking out (the flight to Hawaii should be fun!)

-Breath. I have really bad asthma that seems to be getting worse. Life would be so much easier if I could breath when I need to.

-Cook really crazy-good food. I'm an alright cook, but I'd love to be able to make real cheescake like my sister does. Takes ALL DAY and I just don't have the patience.

-Grow my hair long. I keep getting it cut for some reason. Don't have the patience to grow it out.

-Go back in time and relive a few great moments of my life.


-Law and Order

-Real World/Road Rules Challenges on MTV (I'm addicted!)

-Monk (I heard this is the last season. I'm crushed)

-Psych (love the 80's references!)



-The Soup

-The People's Court (my mother-in-law got me hooked. She's been dead for five years and I still DVR it so I can watch it when I get home!)


-Spinach breakfast thing at a local restaurant. So delish!

-My mom's chicken and dumplings

-Lobster bisque soup from Joe's Crab Shack. Yum!

-My grandma's homemade noodles. Haven't had them in years. :(

-A good cut of steak.

-Pasta anything

-Salmon that we cook on the grill w/ a special recipe. I could eat it everyday.

-Greek salad. Or, actually any salad.


-Florida again. Been there of course but would love to take Brendan again.

-Chicago again. Probably my favorite city to visit.

-New York city. I've never been.

-Mt. Rushmore. Brendan has asked to go and I would love to take him.

-Washington DC. I've never been here either. B's class will be going in two years.

-Europe. I would love to take two or three weeks and just explore.

-LA- just to see what all the fuss is about.

-Some place in South America- like Brazil. I'd love to see the rainforest.


Katie at When Hello Means Goodbye

Mrs. Spit


Mrs. Mother

mom to 2 Boys + ? at Forever Tyler


Courtney at Life in the Polar North Defrosts