Saturday, May 30, 2009


We went camping last weekend and had tons of fun. While the kids were swimming I relaxed in a lawn chair and "people watched". There were a woman who caught my attention. She was in the water and her husband brought a baby to her. She kissed and loved all over that baby, and her mother another young woman sat by the pool and watched her with the baby. This baby was the center of this family's world. You could just see how much joy they got from him. It was also obvious that this baby was adopted because the rest of the family was white and he wasn't.

But none of that was the reason I notice that woman.

As she was sitting on the steps directly in front of me, she was watching the toddlers get into the pool. A look crossed her face. It's a look I know well. It was a look of pain, and sadness. A look of what should have been. I knew instantly that this woman had struggled with infertility. It was obvious. Once her husband brought her the baby it became even more clear.

CLC touched on this in her blog also.

We all have stories.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


This is the Glow In The Woods 7X7 for April. So I'm a month behind. Shoot me!

1 Give us a few words you would have used to describe your body, your health or your sense of physical vitality before the experience of babyloss—and a few that you’d use to describe it now.
Before I would have said I was infertile. Now I don't believe I am since I obviously got pregnant on my own.

2 What do you do to take care of yourself? Has this changed?
I find myself taking better care of my husband now. I make sure he takes his vitamins everyday. It actually made me realize I could loose him, and made me more concerned about his health.

3 Give us one or two words to describe sex or physical intimacy before, and then after the loss of your baby.
For the sake of my family members who read this I'll keep this one brief (your welcome!). I will tell you that after suffering a tragedy your marriage either suffers or strengthens. Ours has strengthened. Greatly. Everything between us is more intense and intimate.

4 Has loss and/or grief left a physical mark on you (a scar, a chronic condition, insomnia, a tattoo)?
Huge scar. Huge. Also a tattoo. I love them both.

5 Do you medicate or control your emotions with food, wine, altered states, prescriptions? Without judgement, what have you gravitated towards in an effort to heal, and how do you feel about it?
Luckily I am not one to turn to drugs or alcohol to heal my grief. I would easily have become an alcoholic/addict. I prayed and wrote on this blog. A lot. I did find myself going out more than usual. I told myself "I deserve it" because of what I'd been through. Alcohol and sadness just don't mix, and I'm surprised there was only one instance of drunken tears.

6 Was physical healing important for you in the first year after your loss? What did/does physical healing entail and how did/do you work towards it? If physicality hasn't been a priority for you, what do you do that makes you feel stronger or more able to cope?
It was for me because I had a long recovery. I remember my doctor telling me it would be up to a year before I felt 100%. That was very true. I could feel pain and pulling if I lifted anything heavy up until quite recently. Now I feel healed.

7 If you could change anything about your body and/or health, what would it be? What would it feel like to be either at peace with your body, or at peace with this babylost state?
Obviously I would make my ovaries ovulate, and my uterus not rupture. I think that one is obvious. As far as the second question: I'm at peace with both. I'm at peace with my body. I'm not the most beautiful girl in the room, I'm not the thinnest, but I'm me. I've never valued myself by my body. I know who I am and I'm comfortable in my own skin. My body may not be perfect, but it's the only body I'm going to get and I feel like I better accept it because it's the only one I've got. As far as the babyloss, I've come to accept that also. I've come to realize that as much as I wanted her- she was not mine to keep. It is not how I wanted things to be, but it is the way things are. I am at peace with that.

Monday, May 25, 2009


We went camping for four days and three nights. I think that is the longest I've ever camped in a tent. Our air mattress sprung a leak, and it was freezing cold on the first night, but it was a great weekend away. I really missed my bed though.

Thursday, May 21, 2009


How do you tell your pregnant friend that you feel like they are drifting away from you. How do you tell them you think it's because they are pregnant and you are not? How do you tell them you realize that they are trying to be sensitive to your feelings, and your loss, but withdrawing from you is really hurtful? How do you tell them that their being pregnant does not make you hate or resent them? How do you tell them that their absence is hurtful?

I don't know the right way to say it.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


Please note that I totally stole this information off from Yahoo News. I don't have the time to look this stuff up.

Take a look at the food below. The first one is the portion 20 years ago, and the second is the portion now. Yikes!

Bagles used to be 3 inches in diameter. Now they are 6!

A turkey sandwich used to be 320 calories. Now it's more than 800!

A cheeseburger used to be 333 calores. Now it's 590!

This one pains me the most. I love pasta. Spaghetti and meatballs used to be 500 calories. Now it's more than 1,000 (and that includes TWO CUPS of sauce)!

To hear it said is suprising, but to see a picture is shocking. I'm going to think twice about "cleaning my plate" from now on.

Monday, May 18, 2009


Just for fun here is MckMama's Not Me Monday:

I did not have to give my wonderful dog a bath because she ate rolled in poop. This did not happen a day after spending $30 getting her groomed.

I do not suck at giving dogs baths. My dog does not look pathetic right now.

I did not get a certain amount of joy when my husband had a breakdown this morning over not being able to keep track of B's school activities. I did not point out I've been doing it for 12 years, not to mention the many years with Step-Daughter, and that he's only been doing in for 4 months.

He did not get really mad about that.

I did not secretly smile, knowing he's gaining a full appreciation for what I've done the last 12 years.

I do not think karma is a bitch!


66 Year Old Woman Pregnant With Twins

Sunday, May 17, 2009


Angelina Jolie is pregnant again? (Must be true, read it in Star!) Am I the only one who seriously hates this chick? How come she gets to have all the kids?

Sunday, May 10, 2009


Two years ago I had no idea that Mother's Day is an often painful day. I had no idea that there is a whole group of women who linger in the background of this day. Women who have children; but children who aren't here. Childless Mothers. Women who don't know whether to celebrate, or mourn. Women who don't know where they fit. Society has overlooked these women. We often forget- or don't know- that they are mothers. Two years ago I did not know that they even existed. I'd never heard of such a thing. It's one of the many things you learn when you loose a child.

Today is the second year I've celebrated Mother's Day without all of my children. Every year for the rest of my life I will celebrate without her. I know that. I'm prepared for it. But I still wish it was different. The day was actually great for me. I slept in. We met at my mom's house and the men cooked (for the most part). A family friend brought her baby over today. We were pregnant at the same time, and he was born a few weeks after I was due with Brenna. Today was the first day I held him. It wasn't horrible. In fact, it was nice. He's adorable. I'd be lying if I didn't tell you I thought once or twice about how different it would be if she was here. The hardest part for me was watching my own mother hold him and love on him. I so wanted to give that to her. But I am so eternally thankful for the son I have here with me. He is my world, without a doubt.

I know my mom feels the same way.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


Seriously does it ever end? I came home from work yesterday and was informed that my dog bit a neighborhood child. She was on a leash, and he had come into our yard. I'm not worried about being sued. Well, OK, I am a little. But mostly I'm worried about my girl. I don't want her to be put to sleep, but I am very nervous now. My three year old nephew lives next door and he is deaf. What if he startles her? We've had her since she was six weeks old. She's 6 years old now, and has never bitten anyone. I am sick over this. I don't even know what to do or where to start. I know she was just being protective of her territory, and he didn't belong. (They just moved in and she didn't know him). My husband and I tossed and turned all night long. We fully expected a visit from animal control, but they never came today.

I just don't know what to do.

Edited to add: I think I'm being a little nutty. Thanks for the input. I know that it wasn't a mauling, butany animal bite is serious. Especially to a child. They had to call an ambulance and he did need stitches. Only a few, and there won't be a scar, but it's still scarry. We live on 20 acres and she has always have free reign when we were home. We bring her in or tie her up when we leave because she is territorial. We are going to install a fenced in area for her. It will make me feel much better. But I am never going to trust her around small children again.

Monday, May 4, 2009


It's no secret that I am a religous person. I believe in God. I go to church. I also think it's safe to say that loosing my baby was the first time my faith had ever really, truely been tested. It was the first time in my life that I asked (begged!) for something and didn't get it. The one time my prayers were not answered.

I hear people who've lost someone say that they never believed in God, but they prayed anyway. Their prayer wasn't answered so that only reinforced the fact for them that God didn't exist. I always wonder: if they had got what they wanted would they have given God the credit?

I also hear people who say they can't believe in God, because if there was one why would He let these bad things happen. This is a tough one for me. I do not know the answer. I often wonder why. I'm still waiting for the answer. The truth is I do not know.

I'm going to tell you something I haven't told anyone. Not even my husband. Many times over the past year I've feared that Brenna was taken from me as punishment. I've thought that God took her because I didn't deserve her. In the beginning of my pregnancy I had some bleeding. Then the nurse at the doctors office read my results wrong and told me my numbers were going down (indicating a miscarriage) when in fact they were going up! So, for a few days I wasn't sure what was going on. At one point I couln't take it anymore, and I said that if I was going to have a miscarriage I wanted it to get over with. I was upset about it, but I remember thinking "At least I'll be able to drink at Jenna's (my step-daughter's) wedding" which was a few months away. Of course I was not having a miscarriage, and I was pregnant at Jenna's wedding.

A week later my utuerus ruptured.

I've thought about that many times over the last year. Was Brenna's death my punishment for being disappointed that everyone else got to drink and I had to be the DD? Did God take her from me because I don't deserve her?

Today at the grocery store I saw the saddest little girl I've ever seen. She was about 10 years old, and she was with her mother and mother's friend. The whole time they were shopping (I saw them a few times) they two women never acknowledged the little girl. They walked in front of her talking and carrying on while the little girl followed them pushing the cart. The look on her face was heartbreaking. She was miserable. I wondered what her mother must have done to deserve to be blessed with her. Which got me thinking about all the other terrible mothers I know, and what they must have done to have been blessed with their babies.

Then it dawned on me.

Babies aren't prizes.

God doesn't hand them out because we've been good. He doesn't take them away because we've been bad.

They are a blessing for sure. But a blessing isn't a reward. It's a gift.

I don't have all the answers. I'm not going to pretend that I do. I still don't know why Brenna wasn't born alive. Why wasn't she born a few weeks later when she would have had a fighting chance? I don't know.

What I do know is that I was blessed to have her, even if it was for only a short time. And I thank God for her.

Sunday, May 3, 2009


My parents were divorced when I was in kindergarten. I remember when my mom told me they were getting a divorce. They had lived apart for serveral years, and when she told me they wouldn't be married anymore it really didn't matter to me. They hadn't lived together for as long as I could remember so it wasn't anything different. They still got along after their divorce. I don't think they hated each other, they just weren't in love. My dad lived an hour away, but he would come on the weekends and take us to his house or stay and visit. I remember memorial days where he was at my maternal grandparent's house eating with us. I also remember my mom going to my paternal grandma's house for family dinner. They got along, if nothing else for the kids. That is something that I am greatful for because I hear horror stories of divorced parents, and I can not relate at all. I don't remember one time that my parents ever yelled at each other. Never.

I would need to post 100 posts to tell you the whole story of my parents. It's long and complicated at times. I'll just say that we all survived my teenage years, and (luckily!) we still like each other. Actually, we love each other.

Yes, that is little me in the pictures below.

Saturday, May 2, 2009


I still find it amazing how you just never know who is part of our little club.

I was talking with a new co-worker and she was telling me about a hospital experience she had. "Turns out I was having a miscarriage" she said, and a look crossed her face that let me know it was still painful to talk about. Even 15 years later.

Last week we were talking again, and I told her that I had recieved a blood transfusion last year. She asked me if I minded her asking why. I told her to whole story. She was very sorry, and then shared with me that her miscarriage was a second trimester loss, and that she and her husband struggled with infertility for almost 5 years before having their son. I instantly felt a connection with her.

I also learned that another co-worker recently lost an infant daughter to SIDS.

Our company is pretty small. It suprised me that there were so many members of our sad little group, and I didn't even know it.

I guess you just never know. It's not like we wear a badge or anything.