HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Today is my hubby's birthday. It is a bitter sweet day for a number of reasons.

Seven years ago today our phone rang. I knew by the number it was the nursing home my mother-in-law had just been transfered to while recovering from hip surgery. "It's your mom calling to tell you happy birthday!" I remembering saying.

I was wrong.

It was in fact her doctor calling to tell my husband, who had power of attorney over her medical, that his mother was suffering and we were prolonging it. I could hear my husband's sobs coming from the bathroom. It was a horrible decision to have to make, and he consulted his brother and sisters and they decided what to do, but he was still the one who had to give permission.

She died two days later.

I don't think he's looked at his birthday the same since.

Two years ago today I got pregnant for Brenna.

I wanted to cheer him up for his birthday so a bunch of us went out and had a great time. We had guests staying with us for a few weeks, so I know for sure when I got pregnant because this was our only "opportunity". From this day forward, my life changed.

It's such a bitter sweet day. But I hope he has a good day anyway.

Happy Birthday, Honey. I love you so much.

UNINSURED

My husband isn't working. He's been laid off for several months. My paycheck has been keeping us above water these last few months.

My company does not offer health insurance. So we continued with my husband's insurance (which was fantastic, by the way) by paying COBRA payments. These payments were greatly reduced by the stimulus package that was passed several months ago.

A few months ago his union let us know that we were losing our dental and vision benefits. Fine, whatever, we still had health and prescription coverage. This past month his union let us know that we would no longer have Blue Cross and Blue Shield, we would now have an insurance I've (seriously) never heard of, and it would cost us close to $1,000 a month for much less coverage than we had (think $100 co-pays).

With my husband not working there is no way we can pay that much for insurance. So now we are uninsured.

Well, as least I figured I would sign my son up for MIChild since it is Michigan's insurance plan for uninsured kids who don't qualify for Medicaid or anything like that.

We were denied. We make too much money. I can not believe it! My husband is not working, and while I make a decent salary, it's half of what my husband brings home (when he's working) but yet we were denied benefits. In fact, if I quite my job my son would then become eligible. But because I'm working, he can't enroll.

Does that make sense to anyone, because it sure as hell makes no sense to me!

So, for the time being, I am keeping my fingers crossed that nothing happens to any of us until we can figure something out.

LIFE GOES ON

Like it or not life goes on. When I started this blog it was about my struggle to move on after the stillbirth of my daughter. I was heart broken, and kept thinking of what life was going to be like without her. I named my blog Living Without Brenna because that was what I was doing. A year and a half later I am still living without her.

But life goes on.

Now I find that I don't always blog about Brenna. I find myself blogging about what's going on in my life, my thoughts on certain topics, my family, personal stories. I like the fact that I can look back over the past year or so and see what I was doing and when I was doing it. I've written things that I never would have remembered if I hadn't written them here. I can go back and read them and I instantly remember it happening.

This is my online journal.

My online journal. It's not always about baby loss. But it is about my life. My life without Brenna. Everything that happens to me will happen without her. I don't feel confined to write solely about her life/death and my feelings about it just because I started writing when she died. I write about my life. I share it publicly because I hope someone will read this and realize that life does go on. But it is my blog. I write what I want and I won't apologize for it. I've had several (what Aunt Becky would call) "trolls" lately. Anonymous commenters (or emailers) who feel the need to point out my poor spelling and/or personality traits. I've always allowed anonymous comments, and I will continue to. I don't make a habit of deleting comments, and I probably won't.

But the fact of the matter is that this is my blog, and if you don't like what I'm writing about you don't have to read it. While I welcome everyone's opinions, I certainly don't appreciate the notion that just because I had a stillborn child that is all I can blog about.

Because life goes on. I am more than just a deadbabymama.

SWEET REVENGE

When I was 16 I had a serious boyfriend. His name was "Don" and he was a total prick. I apparently had a thing for "bad boys" which turned out to be what I would now call "losers". Don was one of these. He skipped school. Smoked pot. Had no curfew. All the things that scared the shit out of my mother.

Don also expected sex. If he didn't get laid in the first month he'd dump the girl. I made it very clear from day one that he wasn't getting that from me. (And he didn't!) I don't know if he saw that as a challenge or if he really had feelings for me, but he stayed with me for a long time, even though we weren't having sex (or anything even close to sex!).

Around this same time I rekindled a friendship with my oldest friend. We had went to the same preschool together, then the same private school, and ended up at the same high school. We grew up a few blocks apart, and I have many memories of playing with her as a child. We rode the same bus, and many times I'd go to her house after school. Her name was "Candy". We started hanging out more and more, and had fun together.

One day I was riding with my step-dad to pick up my mom from work. I remember it clear as day: We drove past Candy's house and as we pass it I see Candy and Don kissing on her front porch. I calmly asked my step-dad to pull over. He pulled into the next driveway. I got out of the car. As soon as Candy saw me she ran in the house. Don came towards me and tried to laugh it off. I can't remember what I said, but I'm sure it wasn't nice. I basically told him I hated him. I broke up with him, got back in the car and ordered my poor step-dad to drive away.

Don tried to call me and make up. We'd broken up and got back together 100 times like you do when you're in high school. This time I just wouldn't budge. The only reason she had even met him was because of me, and they had probably onlytalked 5 times. I was really hurt that she did that to me. She was someone I knew since I was three years old. I didn't talk to her either.

Until about a month later when she called me in the middle of the night. She cried to me that he had hit her. That he was mean to her. That all her wanted was sex. I listened to her, and was nicer than I should have been. I didn't talk to her all summer after that.

When our junior year began it was obvious that Candy was pregnant. She ended up having a boy before the year ended. I even remember what she named him. I can't remember much about her after that. I don't even know if she graduated with our class. I know Don didn't. I don't even think he started junior year. I didn't see him for the rest of high school.

The summer after I graduated I saw him. I was working in a bar. It was the hottest bar in the area. People would be lined up around the block to get it. I thought I was pretty hot shit. One night I was working and I saw Don. I couldn't believe he was there. When he saw me his face actually lit up and he came over to say hi like we were old friends. I asked him how he got in and he bragged he had a fake ID. He kept trying to talk to me, and I blew him off. I went and told one of the bouncers that he and his friend had fake ID's. Their whole group got thrown out. He kept saying "Why are you doing this?" I finally said, "Because I hate you!" Someone from his group ended up getting into a fight in the bar parking lot. The police got called and two of them got arrested.

It was the sweetest revenge I ever experienced.

TEAM LEFTY

I am so happy to share with you all that Jen's son little Cooper has made it into this world safe and sound.

I remember the first time I read Jen's story back in August of last year. She had suffered a rupture, just like I had. She holds a special place in my heart. We both only have one fallopian tube, the left one, and we jokingly call ourself Team Lefty. :)

Welcome to the world little man, a lot of people have been waiting for you.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

* Yes, Daisy is wearing the same costume as last year. She won't know if you don't tell her. (I love it because it glows in the dark.)

** Yes, I am totally bribing Rosie with a Sweet Tart. She was so excited she wouldn't stand still. (I didn't let her eat it. Just smell. I'm such a tease.)

I WANT TO BE A "J"

I have a friend that I work with, I will call her "J". She is one of my favorite people in the world. She is so upbeat and happy. She's a honest person. Hard worker. She doesn't have a lot in life, but she is happy with what she has. I just really like her a lot.

Her husband has terminal cancer. In fact, he has end stage cancer, and will probably not be here for Christmas. She is (obviously) broken up over this, and my just breaks for her. Due to a bunch of red tape he lost his life insurance, and now she is going to have to pay for his funeral as well. An expense she didn't foresee.

Even with all of this, she comes to work with a smile on her face. Telling jokes and making everyone around her laugh. She is a true joy to be around. I want to be more like her.

My work is holding a fundraiser for her next week. I think it is the least we can do for her.

Would you please keep J and her husband in your prayers. Hospice has come in to administer pain meds for him. They have a very rough few weeks ahead of them.

TOOT-TOOT!

I usually go grocery shopping on the weekends. It seems that everyone in the free world is shopping at my local grocery store on the weekends, so I don't like to go shopping on the weekends. Unfortunately, this is the only time I have, so lately I've been going late at night. I've also been dragging my husband with me. We like to go late at night because the 24-hour Store is almost empty at, say, 11 p.m. Works for me. In and out.

A few weeks ago we were shopping late at night. We hadn't seen any other shoppers, and had the place to ourselves. I was picking out a spaghetti sauce, which is a task I take pretty seriously. My husband came down the isle behind me, just as I reach up to a high shelf and let a huge fart rip. I wasn't that worried about it because no one else was around us. "Wow!" I said "That was disgusting!" A second later it began to smell. "Ew! What did I eat!?!" I laughed a little laugh, and concentrated on my spaghetti sauce. "What kind do you like?" I asked my husband. He didn't answer me and I turned around and asked him again. There, looking at me with horror, was a man I had never seen before. I face instantly turned red. "Oh, I'm sorry" I said "I thought you were my husband." As if shitting my pants is OK as long as my husband is around! He didn't say anything to me, just starred at me. I abandoned the spaghetti sauce and ran down the isle to my husband who had no idea what had just happened. Of course we ran into that guy two more times, and I couldn't even look him in the eye.

COLLAGE

Thank you Franchesca for making this for my girl.

QUICK UPDATE

We are taking a short weekend away to an amusment park one state away. The rides are great, even though I am not feeling well at all and haven't done much of anything but sleep. :( The weather is crappy too! Just our luck!

But, look who we did get to see!
My stepdaughter and her family came up to meet us! Makes the weather and everything else so worth it.