Monday, March 31, 2008

I'm in love with blogging

First, I was hooked on Myspace (still am). I loved changing things and taking surverys. I loved meeting up with friends I hadn't seen in forever. Now, I'm hooked on blogging. I read other peoples blogs when I'm bored, and I can't get enough. I really need to get feeling better so I can get a life. :)

Another baby?

I forgot one thing I'm thankful for on the "Thankful" list. I'm so thankful that I didn't have to come home to an empty nursery. To have all those baby things bought and ready would just be heartbreaking. Chances are I won't be having another baby. Although I would love to, my husband is not convinced. At first in the hospital every doctor said there was no way I should ever get pregnant again. At my check up my OB told me that I could try in a year. He said I would be high risk but it would be just like someone who had surgery for polyps. I really, really want to try again, but I'm scarred to death. What if this happens again? Can I put my family through this, especially my little boy? I don't think he could stand loosing another sibling. Do I want to risk my life? I can't find much on ruptured uterus's on the internet, but what I can find says that the chances it will happen again are nil. But most of those women had it happen because they had a previous c-section. I didn't. The only thing I had was a D&C three years ago. At first I didn't think that had anything to do with it, but the more I think about it I'm beginning to believe it did. I remember the doctor saying he had to "take a lot out". I think maybe he damaged my uterine lining when he did that. At the time I had the option of having a D&C or taking some meds that would basically do the same thing. I wish I had chose the meds. I would give anything to take that back. So anyway, when they told me in the hosptial no more babies my heart literally sank. It felt hopeless! But when the doctor told me I could try again, that was the best news I could have heard. My husband says no way, and right now so do I, but I still hold on to that the hope that I can try again. I don't know what my chances of concieving are. It was years before I got pregnant with Brenna, and now I only have one fallopian tube, but one is all you need right?

I was put on this earth to be a mom. That I'm sure of. I just have this feeling I've got another child coming. Or maybe I've got one missing. I'm not sure which it is.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Today has been a good day.

Today has been great. I haven't felt sad at all. I think it wierd that I'm not sad. I realized that yesterday I felt cruddy because it was the first time since my surgery that I've been able to really get out of the house and see people. So it was the first time I had to deal with the feelings of pregnant ladies and babies and little girls. It will pass.

I have noticed though that people get nervous when they see me. We live in a really small town and everyone knows what happened. When they see me I can see it on their face that they don't know what to say to me. Since I had to have surgery and almost died, it's easier for me because they can ask how I'm feeling and say it's good to see me without having to talk about our loss. Some people come right up to us in the grocery store and tell us they are sorry about what happened. A few avoided us. One person who my husband has known all his life sent us a card and told us how she lost a daughter in 1969. My husband had no idea. It's very strange how something like this makes you realize who really cares about you. We recieved cards from people I never thought would even think about us. It was actually very comforting.

The best thing anyone said to me was a friend who called me the day after I got home from the hosptial. She took a deep breath and said, "This is hard. You never know what to say. I just want you to know we are thinking about you and sorry this happened. If you need anything, you can ask." Honestly, that was exactly the right thing to say. That is all I needed to hear.

I've never been one to send cards or things like that when someone passes. This has really taught me that it's important to let the person who's still here know you are thinking of them. I'm really going to make an effort to reach out to everyone I know who looses a loved one from now on. I'm optomistic that in the days and weeks to come things will get easier. Hopefully, people will stop panicking when they see me!

Things I am thankful for

The more time that goes by the more I have time to think. I can think of many things I'm not thankful for, but the more I think the more I realize there are a lot of things I am thankful for during all of this. So here they are, things I am thankful for:

I'm thankful that I didn't have to go through labor and deliver a dead baby. I think God knew I could never handle that, and so my baby was delivered during surgery.

I'm thankful my husband and I got to hold her and take pictures. I wish some of them weren't so fuzzy, but the ones we did get I will treasure always.

I'm thankful for my mother. She came and took care of me during those first weeks of recovery. I would have never asked for help, but I didn't need to. She lives 50 miles away, but came everyday to take care of me. I wouldn't have made it through without her.

I'm thankful I wasn't working when this happened. I never would be able to return to work right now and act like everything is ok. I am still healing physically, and have a lot of pain. Work would be torture.

I'm thankful my husband's family is all burried close together, and that we can burry our baby there too. I find it comforting that she will be burried by her grandparents. Even though I know the body is "just a shell" it still doesn't mean I want her grave out all by itself in the middle of some strange cemetery!

I'm thankful for the Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss board on Baby Center. I talk with or listen to those ladies everyday. If makes me feel like there are people who understand.

I'm thankful for blogging! Honestly, it is so great to be able to write down things I could never say to anyone.

I'm thankful for my family and friends. This has shown us that we have many people who care about us. It has reminded me to tell my brothers and sister that I love them. It has reminded me of the special people I have in my life, and how lucky I am to have them!

I am so thankful for my husband who makes me happy just by being near me. He is my greatest comfort, and I could never get through life without him.

I'm thankful for my son. I'm glad I was able to grow him inside me and give birth to him. He is my greatest accomplishment.

I'm thankful for my step-daughter. She makes me laugh and let's me be myself. She also gave me my grandson, who I'm also thankful for! He lights up by days and everything he does brings a smile to my face.

I'm thankful that I have a relationsip with God. If I didn't I would be a basketcase right now. Knowing I will see my baby again one day is very comforting to me.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

What a difference a day makes.

Brenna was born at about 19 weeks and 5 days. If she had been born at 20 weeks we would have gotten a birth certificate. Instead, she wasn't technically 20 weeks so she is considered a miscarriage. Two more days and she would have been still born. Are you kidding me?

I'm getting good at not crying.

Yesterday was the first day I drove since I had my surgery.It felt so good to not have to rely on anyone for a ride-- and to be by myself!!!!

Today was a pretty busy day for me- relatively speaking to the last three weeks where I've had nothing to do but lay on the couch and heal. I had some places to go and kept myself busy. It so strange to be doing something that makes you happy one minute and see somthing that makes you want to cry the next. I've developed an amazing talent at being able to stop myself from crying. I feel the tears coming and I can stop them just like that. I'm sure it's not healthy, but it's much better than crying during a Cub Scout meeting!

I went shopping for my son today and one of the stores I went to was a store I bought baby clothes from. I glanced over at the girl section and had to leave. I honestly felt this pain in my heart that I have never felt before. It was horrible. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I just acted like everything was fine. If I talk about it, then it's real, and I don't want it to be real. I hate feeling weak, and at moments like these, I feel weak.

I saw a little girl with a cute pink skirt on and I felt this ting of jealousy towards her mother, I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I went to a shoe store and a pair of tiny pink Nike's caught my eye, I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I saw a little baby bathing suit and felt this sorrow that I wouldn't need anything like that anymore, and I wanted to cry, but I didn't. My friend talked about her baby, and I just wanted to cry, but I didn't. I saw a friend for the first time since this happened and she gave me a big, heartfelt hug because she has been through the same thing, I really wanted to cry, but I didn't. I saw a million babies in strollers (who weren't here just three weeks ago!) and I seriously felt so jealous I hated myself, I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I saw a hundred pregnant women and felt so empty, I wanted to cry, but I didn't.

Then I got went home. My husband was there and it was just he and I. I cooked dinner and we talked and laughed. I thought I was going to need to have a big cry when I got home, but I didn't. My husband makes me so happy and I feel so good when I am around him I didn't want or need to cry. I forgot about all the things that bothered me that day, and enjoyed being with him.

Maybe my husband is the "cure". I should start lending him out to all you other mom's. He will make you laugh, and you'll start feeling better... Maybe I'm on to somthing! :)

Friday, March 28, 2008

I don't say her name.

I don't know why, but when talking about my daughter I can't bring myself to say her name. I always say she or the baby. It's like if I say her name then she is real and everything that happened is real and I don't want to face it. I make an effort to use her name when I'm writing this blog, and it honestly is hard! I'm going to TRY my darndest to start using her name. I want to remember she is a person. It's just still so raw, it might take awhile before I can say her name

Who is this person?

I look at this picture almost every day. At Brenna's funeral my sister said it felt "sureal" and that is exactly how I feel when I look at this picture. I would never let my hair look like that. I would never loose a baby that I wanted so badly. I would never have all those tubes and monitors attached to me because I'm healthy. That can't possibly be me! I'm the person who feels bad for people like that- I'm not the person it happens to! It still feels strange to think that just over 3 weeks ago I had a living baby in me, and my life was perfect.

I distinctly remember the night before this happened I went to bed and thought about how much I loved my husband, and what a great life we had. I remember thinking how lucky I was. I was thankful for it all. Then the very next day I wake up and everything crashes down. I can't say I'm bitter. I just wonder why? Why did that poor lady in the picture up there have to go through this? In the grand scheme of life was my baby so important that she had to go to heaven now? Why couldn't I have watched her grow up? Why couldn't I have heard her laugh? Why did she have to go now?

I believe everyone has a purpose. Obviously, God isn't done with me and that's why I am still here. Apparently, Brenna served her purpose here on this earth. Would I prefer that she was here with me? Yes, but that's just me being selfish. She's enjoying herself up there, waiting for us.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

How it all began.

I found out I was pregnant the day after my 31st birthday. I was totally stunned because my doctor had told me years ago that I didn't ovulate and probably couldn't conceive. After the initial shock, I quickly became excited. I knew right from the beginning that I was carrying a girl, which excited me even more because I had always wanted a little girl.

I was worried right from the beginning because I had been having a bit of bleeding. I went to the ER the next day (it was a Saturday). After several ER trips and doctors visits, and many diagnosis of a "threatened miscarriage" I learned I had a low laying placenta and it would heal on itself. It did, the bleeding stopped and I saw a healthy, wiggly baby on the ultrasound. Seeing that melted my heart. My due date was August 8, 2008 (08/08/08) which was pretty neat.

he rest of my pregnancy was pretty uneventful. I hadn't been pregnant for almost 11 years, but I was definitely tired and felt run down. I just chalked it up to being older than I was the first time. I got excited when I started feeling the baby move, and when I got to hear the heartbeat on the doppler.

My stepdaughter (who's 22) got married February 23rd. It was a super busy weekend for all of us, and I didn't check my answering machine until Sunday night. There was a message from my OB that my quad-test had come back with some results he was worried about and he wanted me to all him back. The quad tests for things like Down Syndrome and Spina Bifida. I got really upset and starting thinking all these terrible thoughts. Finally, after a few minutes I said a prayer and told God I would take whatever he gave me. If I was meant to have a Downs baby, then so be it. I put the baby in his hands, and stopped worrying about it. The next day when I talked to the doctor he said that my levels were slightly elevated which is a marker for Spina Bifida, but he thought I was further along than they originally thought (which was possible). He wasn't worried and told me not to be so I wasn't. I knew my baby was healthy.

That Wednesday I got what I thought was the flu. My stomach hurt so bad I could hardly walk. I was throwing up, but I figured it was a 24 hour thing and I just had to wait it out. I didn't have a fever so I didn't' worry to much. The next day I felt better and by Friday I felt fine. Over the weekend my grandson came to stay with us, and I didn't think anything was wrong with me. I felt run down but I thought that's because I was pregnant and recovering from the flu.

On Tuesday I woke up and didn't feel that great. I took my son to school and my stomach hurt as I walked into the house. I took a hot bath and then took a nap. When I woke up I threw up and figured the flu was coming back. I called my husband and told him that I needed to go to the ER when he got home. I felt faint and just plain crappy. I was sick of being sick! When he got home we went to the closest ER to us, even though my OB didn't have privileges there. By the time I got there my husband had to get a wheelchair for me because I was so light headed I couldn't walk. I remember seeing my reflection in the car mirror and realizing my had no color. I was literally white as a sheet.

When I got in the hospital they took one look at me and took me back. My blood pressure was 69/40 and my hear rate was something like 70. I didn't realize how sick I was. They immediately started an IV in each arm because I was dehydrated. The ER doctor called me OB and they agreed I needed to go to Hurley hospital which had a specialized OB floor. That was my first, and hopefully last, ambulance ride.

As soon as I got to Hurley a ton of doctors came in. I still didn't realize it was anything serious until a surgeon came in and told me that he thought I needed surgery. Being knock out is one of my biggest fears in life and I tried to talk them out of it but they were convinced that something was wrong with one of my internal organs. Since I was pregnant they couldn't do and MRI. Instead they did an ultrasound. I saw the baby moving around. The tech even gave me a picture. They also saw a lot of fluid in my belly, which they assumed was blood because of my low hemoglobin.

I was really worried. I remember asking my husband, "Why is this happening to us?". I honestly wasn't worried about the baby. I just had this feeling she was going to be fine. My OB and the surgeons assured me that they didn't think it had anything to do with the baby, and that "the pregnancy" was going to be OK. They were thinking I had a ruptured spleen or something like that. I was 100% confident that my baby was going to be OK. After all I had put her in God's hands. I went to sleep praying for us.

The first thing I saw when I woke up was my husband looking at me. He was crying. I said, "What's wrong?" and he said, "We lost the baby". My only reaction was to say, "It's OK" and close my eyes.

That day is kind of a blur for me. I remember some parts really well, and others are fuzzy. I don't remember anyone telling me I had a girl, or that my uterus had ruptured. But that's what happened. I remember my husband saying he wanted to name the baby Brenna, which is our daughter Jenna and son Brendan's names put together. I didn't even think about it, I knew that's what I wanted to name her. I do remember a doctor coming in to tell me that I lost a tremendous amount of blood, and that I almost died. I also remember another doctor telling me that if I ever got pregnant again it would "be fatal". My heart sank. That was the second worst thing I could have heard.

A nurse came in with a picture of the baby, but I didn't want to see it. She also told me that she could bring the baby in if I wanted to see her but I didn't. I hadn't shed a tear, and I just didn't have it in me. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. My mom wanted to see the baby, and my sister went with her. My stepdaughter went downstairs and then my husband and I were along. I asked him to hand me the envelope that had her photo. I took it out and started to cry. I could barely cry though because I had 30 staples in my belly and the pain was tremendous. The first thing I thought of was how much she looked like my son.

After everyone left for the day, my husband and I asked to see the baby. We were both so shocked by how small she was. She

only weighed about 6 ounces but she had every part a baby is supposed to have- even fingernails! It was amazing. I held her and looked at every part of her. Just like I thought, she didn't have any signs of Spina Bifida. We didn't have a camera with us so my husband went and bought a disposable one. I'm glad we took some pictures because I look at them often. We just spent time looking at her, talking, and taking pictures. I kept her in my room that night, even though I didn't hold her again. Babies that are born that early don't really look that great after while, and I didn't want to remember her like that so that's why I didn't hold her. The nurse came in and told me that the funeral home was coming to get her and they would have to take her. I felt this panic set it. Like, I'm not ready to let her go. Luckily, a medicine they gave me made me sick so I was preoccupied when they came to take her and that actually made it easier.

I had to tell my son what happened, and that was the hardest part for me. He's almost 11, but has never really had to deal with death before. I made sure we were alone in the hospital room, and then said I had to tell him something. He smiled at me and said, "You know if it's a boy or a girl don't you?" My heart broke because I knew his life was never going to be the same after I told him. He cried, which broke my heart. I cried, which broke his.

I got to go home that Saturday, and I was ready! I spent the day on the couch since I could barely walk. My husband waited on me, which I kind of liked. :)

The next day is when I really got to let it all out. I spent that whole day crying. I looked at the picture from the hospital and just let it out, which was good. It was over due.
We had a memorial service for her the following Saturday, when I could get around better. She had the tiniest casket I've ever seen. It was only like 12 inches long. I thought it would be the most horrible day of my life. Instead, I didn't even cry. Not a tear. I don't know why, but I was at peace. I knew she was in heaven and how could I be sad about that? My sister-in-law lost two babies, and we are going to bury Brenna next to them in the cemetery down the road from our house. My husbands parents are buried there too.

I've been working through the grieving process. Nothing can prepare you for going to sleep pregnant and waking up with a dead baby. I never, ever expected this to happen in a million years. I was mad at God, wondering why he would deny me this one thing I so desperately wanted. I put my baby in his hands and he took her away from me! But, I know he loves me and knows better than I do, so I will put my trust in him.

It's been three weeks since this all began. I still cry every night before I got to sleep. I still wonder why this happened. I believe there is a lesson in it. I'm not sure what it is yet, but I hope that one day I will look back on this and say, "Yep, God I see what you were doing there. Thanks!" I'm not quite there yet, but I'm working on it.