Wednesday, December 31, 2008

A GREAT ENDING TO 2008


I am on my way to take our cat to the vet. He means a lot to us. My step-daughter recieved him as a gift from her mother shortly before she died. My husband had him when we met. In fact one of the things I remember from my first visit to his house is the cat. Everyone remember's Simba. We've had him longer than my son has been alive. I'm really afraid they are going to tell me we have to put him to sleep. I don't know if I can do that. As if 2008 hasn't been crappy enough, you have to take my cat too?


Edited to add: Simba has to stay at the vet's. They are thinking liver, but bloods tests will tell us for sure. There still is the possibility that he is to ill and there is nothing they can do for him. If that is the case, the vet said she would recommend we put him to sleep because he would most certainly suffer. Best case senario is that he needs medication and will be back to his old grumpy self in no time.

Monday, December 29, 2008

BIRTHDAY SUPRISES

I recently celebrated my birthday. I was unsure how I would feel on that day, because last year I was pregnant with Brenna on my birthday. Like usual, it wasn't at horrible as I anticipated. We went out with my brothers, cousin, and some other friends to a bar to watch my brother in law play in his band. We really had a lot of fun. The next day my husband even commented that it was good to see (and hear) me laugh so much. It was one of my best nights of 2008 (which isn't saying much because '08 was so crappy, but you get the idea). I really had a fantastic time.


My brother's girlfriend couldn't go with us, but met us back at my brother's house. JJ and I stayed there since we live about an hour away from where we were going, and they live about 3 blocks. My brother has been dating her on and off for about 7 years. It hasn't been until this year that I really have started to count her as a real friend. We've grown close this past year. She's one of the very few (OK, only) people who I talk to about Brenna or how I'm dealing with it. I don't talk with her about it much, but I do talk with her which is more than I can say for most people. I just really like her a lot, and trust her completely (which is a lot because I have MAJOR trust issues). Anyway, she offered to carry a baby for us. And she was dead serious. I was actually speechless. I didn't even know what to say. That is the nicest thing anyone has ever offered me. I know that it is not an option. For one, surrogacy is illegal in my state. Even if it were legal, she is not a candidate because she has never had any children of her own. But still, the fact that she even thought about it means the entire world to me. I just love her so much for thinking of me. Now, if I could just convince my brother to marry her...

Sunday, December 28, 2008

SHOW AND TELL

This is my first show and tell. This picture was taken back on the 10th. I've been meaning to share it with you, but just haven't gotten to it. I was having a normal day, and I stopped at home to get the mail before I picked up my son from school. As I walked up the driveway to the mailbox, the sun nearly blinded me. I snapped this picture with my camera phone. I wish it showed the beams from the sun, and how they reflected on the snow. It was absolutely beautiful.


When I shared it with a friend, she made a reference that it was the baby trying to communicate with me. The thought had never even occurred to me. I'm not sure I believe that. I witnessed beautiful things in nature before loosing my baby, and I can't really give her credit for the beautiful things I see after her death. It's all a little too hocus-pocus for me. Instead I choose to be grateful that I can still see the beauty in this earth. If that beauty happens to remind me, or anyone else, of my little girl- well, that's just icing on the cake.

Edited to add: This comment was left for me by Ciaran's mom, "Maybe our babies don't make the moments, but maybe they sometimes point things out to us that we might have otherwise have missed" Point well taken. I think I may have been to cynical, and should be a little more open. Thank you!

ANOTHER MEMBER TO OUR SAD GROUP

Please go visit Nicole who just gave birth and watched her child die on the same day. He was diagnosed with Trisomy 18, which I'm sure hits home with many of you.

I FEEL LEFT OUT

Every single person I know in deadbabyland is either trying to conceive or has conceived since their loss. Well, that's not true- two people are considering adoption. Regardless, they are working on a baby. And I am not. And it really sucks.



A few of these people have unfortunately suffered another loss after their first, and that is horrible. Many have delivered beautiful little boys and girls. Most are growing them as we speak. Some have been trying to get pregnant with no luck yet. But still, they are trying. And I'm not. And my eggs are getting older and older. So is my husband.



It's just very hard to sit by and watch everyone else do what I want to be doing, and not be able to do it. I have every hope that if we tried for another baby it would happen. But the odds are not on my side. It was 10 years after my son before I got pregnant again. After many years of unprotected sex. Brenna was a total shock.



I don't know if I'll ever get that lucky again.



Sorry for the pity party. It's really getting lonely out here in the not trying section.

Friday, December 26, 2008

2008 YOU SUCK!

Dear 2008,

I can not wait for you to be over. You have been the worse year of my life. You have brought me more grief than any other year, ever.

I welcomed you in on bed rest with a subchorionic bleed. That was real special. Then I spend the first part of you recovering from that, and feeling like crap.

Then you took my baby. And I got the special privilege of recovering from major surgery for the middle of you. Then I spend the last half of you missing my baby and wishing that you would get over with so I can move on.

I won't even mention how you took my best friend's fiance this year. Or how my husband's friend died in a car accident. I can thank you for those wonderful memories too.

About the only good thing I will remember from you is my step-daughter getting married. So at least I'm grateful you didn't mess that up.

So good by and good riddance 2008. You really have been the sucky-est year of my of my entire life. I am hopeful that your successor 2009 will do a MUCH better job.

Sincerely,

A Disgruntled Customer

Thursday, December 25, 2008

NOT THE CHRISTMAS I HAD PLANNED

Of course this Christmas is not the Christmas I had planned. I expected to have a new baby who was celebrating her first Christmas this year. I did not expect her only presence to be an ornament with her footprints hanging on the tree. That is not the Christmas I envisioned. My heart is heavy this year, but I am still celebrating Christmas. Not only for my family, but for myself. After all, Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Christ. It is his day today, not mine. It's such a big holiday, and it takes much more energy not to celebrate then it does to push through and go with the flow. So that is what I'm doing. I enjoyed watching the kids open gifts this morning, and I will enjoy spending time at my mom's house this afternoon. I will enjoy Christmas. But my heart is heavy non-the-less. I'm sure all my bloggy friends understand. So Merry Christmas to you all. I hope you find today as peaceful as possible.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

MEMORIES ARE ALL YOU HAVE

It occured to me the other day that Brenna didn't make much of an impact on this world. In fact, once my familyand I are gone no one will have even known she existed. As time goes on I start to forget. I forget what she felt like. Her tiny little feet. How small she really was. Not that much time has passed, but I am forgetting. All I really have left are her pictures and foot prints.

I think I mentioned before that my husband's sister lost her first two babies. One died when he was a few hours old, the other a few weeks. I know what happened, but I never really remember her talking about them except to say she put a grave blanket on their grave site or something like that. During our recent family Christmas her and I were talking with a group of people. She was telling us what all her grandkids were up to (she went on to have two more healthy children). She opened her wallet to show us pictures of the grandkids. Someone asked who's baby pictures were in there, but I already knew. My sister in law smiled, and said, "Those are my first two babies". She had this look on her face, and I could tell she was thinking about them. It really struck me because my sister in law is older than my husband. In fact her kids are older than I am. The babies that she lost were born in the 60's. They would be in their 40's now.


And she still carries their pictures.

And it still hurts her.

I guess it just touched me because it made me realize that no matter how much times passes, we can still go back to the time our babies were born. We will still think of them. We will still carry their pictures. It made me feel good in a way, because that means 40 years from now, my baby will not have been forgotten. I may not remember every detail, but I will always remember her.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

AND THEN MY WHOLE LIFE CHANGED



One year ago today my whole life changed. I have much to write about, but I don't much feel like it today. I'll catch up tomorrow.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

THIS TIME LAST YEAR...

This time last year I was pregnant with Brenna. I had no idea yet. I wouldn't find that out until tomorrow. This was the last "normal" day of my life. After this day my life would change in ways I could never imagine. I did not feel well, and I remember my sister teasing me that I was pregnant- which I (lovingly) told her she was a moron for suggesting. I had no idea. Which is crazy considering I'd already been pregnant before. I guess my brain just couldn't go there. I could not fathom concieving a child after all these years.... One year ago today was the last day I was a normal, innocent person. I had no idea that I would be starting a life changing journey the very next day.

Oh, and it's my birthday.

Friday, December 19, 2008

BECAUSE I'M BORED...

Ignore the neighbor's dog who came for a visit!
Also ignore the GRILL that is STILL outside.

Thanks Katie!


Thursday, December 18, 2008

A GREAT BIG CURVE BALL

Today was a good day. I got a lot of things accomplished, and was super busy all day. On the way home I was even thinking how great I feel. How happy I am- which is surprising considering the time of year*. But I am. I don't know the last time I've felt this good. It's like things are starting to fall into place for us.

Then I got home.

I won't bore you with the details, but it's safe to say that I was thrown a big fat curve ball. :( Financially, we are in trouble. This new job can't start soon enough.

*On this day last year I was laying on the couch felling sick as a dog. I thought I was battling the flu. I had no idea I was actually growing a baby! I keep thinking back to "this time last year" and thinking about how different things are from what I thought they would be.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
~Albert Einstein~
,

Don't you just love that? No I did not find that quote myself- I stole it from Angie.


So I didn't make it out to lunch with my mom yesterday. Instead I went and accepted a job offer. Someone asked what type of job it is. Well, it's something I haven't really done before. It's basically marketing. I almost fell off my chair when they made a salary offer. I've never made that much money in my entire life! NEVER! Let's put it this way: I will make more in one week than I make in a whole month at my current job (and then there is commission and bonuses!). Seriously. I don't even know why they are hiring me. I'm starting to feel very nervous and unqualified. In this economy, I can not turn the offer down. I just can't. My husband's job is in construction, and with the way the economy is you never know if he's going to have a new project to go to. This would take a load off our minds. The answer to our prayers. In this economy I would venture to call this a miracle! I don't start until January, so I'm glad I get to spend Christmas Break with my son

One thing keeps nagging in the back of my mind. Do I tell them about the baby? I haven't yet. It's a husband and wife team. They are both great people. Do I let it come up in conversation or do I not say anything? I can't imagine spending so much time with someone who doesn't know about the most defining moment of my life. But I also kind of like being looked at as normal again, and not broken. What would you do?

Monday, December 15, 2008

Weekend Away

My husband and I enjoyed a much needed weekend away. This is the first time I've ever stayed at a bed and breakfast. I was always leary because I don't want to stay in someone else's house. It wasn't like that at all. In fact, we will be returning there very soon. My husband had his company Christmas party, and it was about an hour from our house, so we decided to stay at this b & b. I am so glad we did. It was a last minute thing- but exactly what we both needed.

Speaking of the company party- I was really nervous someone was going to ask us how many kids we had. My husband was working for another company when Brenna died, and started at this company about a month later. I don't know how much he's shared (they aren't a "close" company). Thank God no one asked me because I didn't know how to answer.

Anyway, here are a few pictures. Gotta get going. I'm meeting my mom for lunch.


Friday, December 12, 2008

YOU'RE HIRED

So I got the job. At least I'm pretty sure I got the job. Boss-lady called me today to ask me to come back in Monday to discuss salary and such. She also said she has been excited since meeting me last week, and she wishes I was there with her today. Flattery will get you everywhere. :) I'm sort of excited, but I'm also nervous. When it comes to me I am a perfectionist. I don't do anything unless I know I am going to excel at it. I loath my own failure.

(Totally off topic- this just occurred to me as I was writing. I wonder if that is why I've been having such a hard time with loosing Brenna. Do I look at her death as my own failure? I have to think about that some more.)

So anyway, I may have a new job. My husband tells me I would be crazy not to take it. We live in Michigan, and let me tell you the economy is terrible here. I know it's bad all over- but Michigan is it's own kind of shitty. It is a great opportunity, and I will be making more money than I ever have before. It is definitely the answer to our money prayers.

Oh, and you know how I was thinking that if I didn't get the job it was God's way of telling me that a baby was in my future? Well, now I think since I did get the job, it's His way of telling me a baby is in my future. Now I will be financially secure.

Man, I can turn anything into a positive can't I?

Thursday, December 11, 2008

"Brenna"

Today while grocery shopping I heard someone call out "Brenna!" and my heart stopped beating. I looked around and saw a girl- not much older than my son. I looked at her, but I didn't see her. I couldn't tell you what she looked like. I didn't want to see her. I knew one day it would happen. One day I would meet someone who shared her name. I just didn't expect it to be at the grocery store. My son was with me, and he heard it too. He didn't say anything, but I could tell by the look on his face he heard it too. I wish I could go back and think of something wonderful to say. But I didn't, and I could kick myself. It was my job to comfort him, and I was too wrapped up in my own feelings to have time for his and that makes me feel awful.

As if I didn't feel awful enough.

I think it's the holidays, but these days seem to be harder and harder. I remember last Christmas being so excited that we would have a new baby in the family next year. We were all excited.

We put our tree up, and I am going to Bronner's (Christmas Wonderland!) and get an ornament with her name on it. I'd like to have something I can put up each year.

I don't know... it's just so hard. This used to be my favorite time of year, but all I can do lately is think of what was happening this time last year. Finding out I was pregnant. Hearing the heartbeat. Seeing the baby for the first time. It all happened this month. It seems like a lifetime ago. I was such a different person then.

I'm such a different person now.

I think a lot about having another baby. The problem is, I don't think it will make me miss her any less. It won't fill the hole in my heart. So now I think, what's the point?

PUTTING THINGS INTO PERSPECTIVE

Sometimes when you are really feeling down the world has a way of putting things in perspective for you. Two years ago a young boy I know was diagnosed with leukemia. His mother set up a website through the hospital took keep his family and friends updated on his care. I joined so that I would know how he was doing. (He has fully recovered- thank God!) For some reason, don't ask me how, I started recieving updates about another little girl who had cancer. I haven't recieved many, but a few days ago I recieved an urgent update.

Let me step back and fill you in on this little girl. She is 13 years old now. She had cancer. I am assuming it was in her bone at one time, because she had a donor bone put into her leg. Then, shortly after she recieved the donor bone, she was in a very serious car accident- and broke the leg. Yes, the same leg that was just operated on. Her younger sister was also seriously injured. That was earlier this year. Her sister has healed well, but the girls leg has not healed as it should. It still has a serious infection. Months later.

Today I read the urgent update and it is the worst possible news. Her cancer is back. This time in her lungs. She needs chemo and radiation. But because of the infection in her leg it won't be possible. So you know what that means... amputation. Yes, this poor girl is going to have to have her leg amputated next week. Then she will start chemo the week after that. The week of Christmas.

I don't know this person. I've never met her family. But her story is one that makes my story seem small in comparison. My pain is great. It is the greatest pain I've ever know. But I have to tell you, I don't think it is even close to the pain this girl's mother is feeling. To watch your child suffer for years... I can't even go there. I just can't imagine.

Kind of puts things into perspective for me.

ONE YEAR AGO TODAY

One year ago today I was at a friends house. She was ready to give birth anyday. We talked about having more babies and I said something I will never forget:

"No way! Not me! I've got it made right now. Brendan is older. We can do whatever we want, and don't have to deal with babies and sitters. I'd die if I had a baby right now!"

Little did I know I was growing a miracle baby as I said those words. It wasn't my period that started a few days before. I was pregnant, and had no idea.

Those words will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

What's In Your Phone?



Just for shits and giggles we are going to play a game. It's a game I found on another blog, while browsing blogland in sheer and utter boredom from being snowed in. If you would like to play along, click on the picture on the left.

So, here is What's On MY Phone:

This is a ringtone someone sent me.





This is me and three of my brother's last November. We were out celebrating my husband's birthday. It's actually the night I got pregnant with Brenna.



I still keep a picture of the pregnancy test I took in a Wal.mart bathroom. I was so shocked that I took a picture of the test because I couldn't believe it was real.







My step-daughter got married 11 days before Brenna died. This is pregnant me trying on dresses for her wedding. I took a picture because I just coudn't decide. (I know you totally love the socks with the dress!)









Pictures of Brenna when she was born. I didn't know that my phone would take such good pictures. I sent my husband out to buy a disposable (which took HORRIBLE pictures). We were so far from home, and didn't have a camera. I cherish these pictures that my phone took, and will have a hard time buying a new phone because they are on it.




This is my son and grandson this summer playing outside.









This is when I was having a particularly craptastic day. I was driving and it was raining and I literally drove out of the rain. I took this picture with my cell phone. I blogged about it here.








Remember my friend who's fiance died? We read he died on Janis Joplin's birthday. Later that same day, we went out for lunch (day after his funeral) and right outside the bathroom was this sign. I just had to take a picture.








My pet pig.










I'm not sure if this one really counts because it's actually a picture I took of a picture on my computer. But it's my husband and I, last Halloween. I'm Gilligan- he's the skipper!

Capturing A Short Life

Thank you Aunt Becky for letting me know that this documentary exists. If you live in Canada you can watch it on CBC Newsworld at 10 PM.

I am very jealous because it's not being shown in The States.



Monday, December 8, 2008

Not Me Monday

I am not sick again today.

I am not concerned that I keep on getting sick because I had 5 units of blood transfused into my body.

I did not have to recount the whole ordeal of my surgery, stillbirth, etc. to my family doctor today.

I do not have to get blood drawn.

I am not sick of being sick.

I do not want to crawl into bed and sleep all day.

I am not going to do that right now! :)

Sunday, December 7, 2008

I AM A PROBLEM SOLVER

I am a problem-solver, not a problem-haver. I am the person who everyone goes to when they need advice. I am the shoulder to cry on. The person to call in the middle of the night. I am not the person who calls you in the middle of the night, or who cries on your shoulder. I don't know why I am that way, I just am. Lately it seems, when I've reached out to my so called friends, they don't know what to do or how to handle it because they have never had to help me. I am always helping them. So the subject is quickly changed to their own problems and how I can advise them. I'm beginning to see how one-sided these so called friendships are, and I saddened by the fact that it took my baby passing for me to realize it.
_______________________________________

On a totally unrelated note: I found out by accident that my brother is talking to The Crazy Bitch again. For those of you who don't know, she was his girlfriend who faked a pregnancy to keep him around. Then, six weeks after my daughter's stillbirth, she had the nerve to fake her "babies" death and call me and look for sympathy. (FYI- there never was any baby!) She is all kinds of crazy, and I knew right away that he was talking to her again because he started talking about her again. As in "She is so crazy", "She won't leave me alone". I knew that he was talking to her again. And I was right because I caught her at his house. I didn't say anything to him about it, because honestly what is the point? It will turn into me looking like the crazy asshole, and him defending himself, and that is not what I want. It was a few weeks ago, and I haven't said anything to anyone. I don't think I even told my husband. My stepdaughter and I talked about it, and she was so livid she wanted to drive over there and punch them both. I don't know what is going on with them, and I don't really care. If he has so little respect for me, then why waste my time on him. But I am still mad that he would even talk to her. No matter what the reason. If the tables were turned I would never talk to that person again. I love my brother more than that.
__________________________________________________

Also, I had a job interview this week. It went very well and they really liked me. It's a pretty lucrative position and it will double our household income. But, it's a lot of hours. I don't see being able to have a baby and keep that job. So if I don't get the job I will take that as the Universe's way of telling me a baby is in my future. Am I an optomist or what?

Friday, December 5, 2008

Nine Months

It's been nine months today since I've lost my baby.

I could have grown a whole new baby in the time you've been gone. But I don't want another baby. I really wanted you. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you, or want you here with me. The hole in my heart is not healing, and I don't think it ever will.

I'm just learning to live with it.


Thursday, December 4, 2008

PLEASE SUPPORT

I ran across this blog today, and I thought I would share it with all of you. Trish and Dustin will be delivering their son Max tomorrow. Max has been diagnosed with trisomy 18. It's uncertain how long he will live. Please take a moment and visit them to lend your words of support.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

And the Winner is...

Connie, Jen, and Mrs. Spit! Congrats ladies. I've sent you all emails.

That was fun. I have to think of something else to give away...

Monday, December 1, 2008

MERRY CHRISTMAS

I wanted to share this site with you. I am in no way affiliated with it, but it has some fantastic gifts for someone who is missing a baby this holiday season.
http://gifts.cafepress.com/infant-loss




I also wanted to give you something for Christmas. So, I've decided to give away personalized DVD's to three of you. These usually cost $100 each! I will make them for you and mail them to you for free! All you have to do is email me the pictures you would like to use and tell me what songs you would like (or I can pick them out!). Below are a few examples of videos that I have made. I can make whatever kind you would like. Usually I make several different videos like those below, and put them together on one DVD. They make the greatest presents! (Please keep in mind that you will be emailing me the photos. I can use up to 200 pictures, so you will probably want to have high speed Internet access). I will burn an image and title directly on the DVD. It's not a paper label. I wish I had a photo to show you, but I don't sorry. You'll just have to trust me. :) Also, US mailing addresses only please.


How do you get this you ask? Send me an email. I have set up an email specifically for this. Tomorrow at 7 pm (my time) I will use a random number generator to pick 3 numbers. If you are that number email, you will get the present! (After I am done I'm going to delete the emails, I don't want you to think I'm going to send you spam or sell your addresses. I'm not.)

The email address I have set up is brennasmom@rocketmail.com


Merry Christmas, friends. And thanks for reading.


Part of a video I made for my stepdad's retirement.

My son.


Part of a memorial video for my husband's aunt.

Part of a family video.

IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK ALOT LIKE CHRISTMAS





Friday, November 28, 2008

LOOSING A FAMILY MEMBER

I think everyone in Deadbabyland knows that most people don't know what to say when it comes to your baby's death. So they say nothing. This is true for my brothers. They are younger than I am, all are single, and very uncomfortable about discussing the baby's death. I have a cousin who is like a fifth brother to me. He is an only child, and his mother suffered a brain aneurysm within a month of his birth. My mom has been a second mom to him, and whenever there is a family event I just assume he will be there because he is part of the family. (When I was in the hospital after my surgery he came with my brothers to visit me).

Yesterday we were discussing an accident he had. He was chopping wood while camping, missed the wood and stuck the ax into his leg. He actually hit the bone. It was a pretty serious wound. We were talking about it, and his subsequent scar. I mentioned my scar and how it healed. He said something to me that meant so much. He said, "What happened to you was the worst because you lost a family member". I was so taken aback that I just looked at him. Then he said, "You lost your baby". It meant so much to me, and I just love him for that. People usually don't mention it, and having him acknowlege that I lost a family member means the world to me.

So thank you Troy. That quick exchange meant more to me than you will ever know.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

THANKSGIVING

Some of my fondest childhood memories are of me and my three brothers surrounded by our cousins at our grandparents house. My mom was a single mom- our dad lived in another city, so we didn't see him that often. My grandpa (Papa) was a stand in dad for us, and Grandma was a second mom. I remember when I was in second grade we had a daddy daughter dance, and I was afraid I was going to be left out because my dad wasn't around. My Papa was my date that night. I fondly remember standing on the tops of his feet as he taught me to dance. :) Certain things still remind me of them: pickled bologna because Papa always ate it, and Kool cigarettes because Grandma smoked them.

I grew up, had my own child, and my grandparents health failed. My grandma has gone blind due to diabetes; Papa survived a battle with lung cancer that left him missing one lung. I called Grandma last Christmas and told her I was pregnant. She yelled it though the house! When Brenna died my grandma was in the hospital at the time (in another city) and we were afraid to tell her because we didn't want to give her a heart attack. My mom purposely told her while she was still in the hopital so that medical help was there in case she needed it. We knew it would upset her that much.

My Papa fell last week and broke a few ribs. At the hopital he was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. They released him from the hopital yesterday, but he had to go to rehab for a few weeks. This was the first holiday I can remember my grandparents being apart. My husband and I picked Grandma up today and took her to my mom's for dinner. Then we took her to see Papa. She hasn't seen him since he went into the hospital. We wheeled her into his room. I watched them together; and what I saw made my heart happy. No body's perfect, and I think we get so caught up in the day to day crap of living life that we sometimes forget to take a moment to watch and see people. I watched my grandparents. Papa looked so old when he was sleeping. When he woke up and saw grandma there a light came over his face. We were there about an hour and he held her hand the entire time. He held her hand, even when his arm got tired he didn't' let her go. I noticed that Grandma always calls him "Babe". It's not something that I really noticed before, but once I thought about it realized that she always did.

Papa's a gruff guy who doesn't like to show emotion. But the change I saw come over his face today gave him away. He literally looked years younger when he saw his wife. I've never noticed before how much they truly love each other.

This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful that I had the chance (and took the time!) to see that.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

YOUR THOUGHTS?

I am feeling especially crafty this year and have decided to create our Christmas cards. (Only after I learned from my mother that I haven't sent out cards is at least two years!) It is a card from our family, and I feel very much that even though she isn't here, Brenna is a part of our family. I would like to acknowledge her in some way without being uncomfortable. So I came up with this card:

I didn't put her photo on there because, well you know, dead babies are not very Christmasy. But I did include her footprints.

Your thoughts?

Monday, November 24, 2008

THE PERFORMERS

I stole this from Mrs. Spit. Apparently this will tell you what kind of writer you are. I am really suprised that it actually kind of fits:


The entertaining and friendly type. They are especially attuned to pleasure and beauty and like to fill their surroundings with soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells. They live in the present moment and don´t like to plan ahead - they are always in risk of exhausting themselves. The enjoy work that makes them able to help other people in a concrete and visible way. They tend to avoid conflicts and rarely initiate confrontation - qualities that can make it hard for them in management positions.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

MARCH

My son's chinchillas mated. We are figuring we'll end up with babies. Today I looked online to figure out when they will be born. Would it suprise you if I told you that when I found out they are due in March I got sad? I'm jealous of chinchillas!

I've hit a new low.

MY SOUL SMILES

"When I feel your love, my soul smiles."
I don't want anyone to misunderstand my last post. My husband is not the complete jerk I made him out to be. We are very close. We are great together. It's because we are so close that this is so hard for me. This is the one thing that he just doesn't "get". This is something that I feel like he doesn't understand, and that is hard because he usually understands me and knows me so well. Instead, I feel very disconnected with him when it comes to Brenna. He hardly every says her name. But then again, neither do I. Usually I just say "The baby". I think not using her name makes it easier. I don't know. I'm babbling. All I really wanted to say was that my husband is not a jerk. He just doesn't show his grief the way I do. I think I read a few months ago someone saying that he husband was "working" his grief out. Like doing extra things around the house. Keeping very busy. I realized when I read that, that my husband was doing the same thing. He had 100 projects going on this spring and summer. I didn't realized what was going on until I read that. I'm not sure he was even aware of it.
It's just hard when someone knows you so well, but doesn't understand the most defining event in your life. It's just hard. That's all.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

SHOPPING DISASTER

Who knew that a Han.es sock could bring you to tears. Staring at the tiny sock, with it's little pink heal literally broke my heart all over again. I don't know why it bothered me today- but it did. A lot.

Then that set the tone for the day.

My husband and I went grocery shopping tonight. His company just build a brand new chain store, so of course he wanted to go to that one. He loves to check out his own work. I hate this store. The layout is stupid. It really bothered me today when I went to get milk and on the other side of the isle was the baby stuff. Literally. To my right was the milk, to the left was the baby section. (I wish I would have thought to take a picture because no one can believe a store would be set up so ignorantly). It really bothered me today. Maybe because my day got off to a crappy start. Maybe because I started thinking of the holidays and how these should be her firsts. Maybe because I let my mind wonder to what I thought my life would be like right now.

And to what it isn't.

Even now it's so hard to admit. This isn't what I had planed. This isn't how I envisioned my life would be. Right now I'm just existing. Making my way. But I'm not where I thought I would be. Not even close. Baby, career, money... everything is messed up in my life right now. Nothing is where I want it to be. I'm just really having a hard time in life in general. It sucks. It really does.

So walking past that baby section bothered me. But I brushed it off. Went on shopping. We made our way to the other end of the store. I was ready to check out. My husband decided we needed more milk. Back across the store we went. Back to the baby section. This time it got to me. I've never lost control on my tears before. Especially in a public place. I walked ahead of him so he couldn't see. Tears swelling in my eyes. I checked us out. I didn't say much. I was pissed. Pissed that he wouldn't even notice that I was upset. I was crying. Pissed that he can walk back and forth through that baby stuff and not even bat an eye. I'm pissed that he doesn't see it. It doesn't bother him.

It's like she never even existed to him.

I think hes forgotten her. That's why he doesn't know why I'm sad.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Not Me Monday

It's Monday again. That means my brain is empty. So here is another Not Me Monday to amuse and entertain. :)
  • I was not sick yesterday (and today).
  • I did not spend all day in my pajamas.
  • I did not wait until 10 pm to take a shower.
  • I did not sleep in until 11 am two days in a row.
  • I did not feed my son pancakes for dinner.
  • He did not cook them (because I suck so bad at cooking pancakes).
  • I did not spend several hours catching up on my blog reading today.
  • I did not skip the dishes because I feel too cruddy to do them.
  • I do not have several loads of laundry waiting to be folded.
  • I don't have several loads to be washed either.
  • It did not snow here today.
  • I did not hate it.
  • I am not going to bed after I'm done writing this.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

150TH POST

First of all, thank you Jessica for noticing my new background. In case you haven't noticed, I like to mix it up a little. I like to change the layout of my blog quite often. But I like this one, I think it's going to be here for awhile.

So the other day I was talking with a family member and my close friend Amber. We were talking about someone who recently lost their adult son. The person I'm related to said, "I can't imagine loosing a child. It has to be the worst thing I could ever imagine..." and on and on and on. I just looked down and didn't say anything. Did she forget that I just had a stillborn baby 8 months ago? How could she forget -she was at her funeral!

It really reminded me how most people have forgotten. Forgotten about her. About my broken heart. My near dying. Even my pregnancy. They see me, and my smile, and forget that just 8 months ago my world came crashing down. On the outside I'm basically the same person. You'd never know that just 8 months, 1 week, and 3 days ago I was near death. I was dying. But I was lucky enough to have a doctor who saved my life. You wouldn't know that just by looking at me. If you could see the inside me you would see how different I've become. You would see how excited I was to be blessed with a baby, and how confused I was when she was taken away. You'd see how angry I was. You would know why I was afraid to let my son out of my sight. You'd also see how resiliant I am, and how proud I am that I've come this far. You'd see the new me, and you'd understand why.

If you could see the inside me, you'd know why I'll never forget her. And you'd never forget her either.

Friday, November 14, 2008

ER ANYONE?

Did anyone catch ER last night? I watched it, and let me tell you it really struck a cord. One person was reliving the death of her young child. At the end she said something that I think all deadbabymamas have seen written, but have never heard on tv. "A child who looses a parent is called an orphan. A wife who looses a husband is called a widow. But there isn't anything to descibe a parent who's lost a child". As soon as she said that tears streamed down my face. The whole time I was watching the show it really just struck a cord with me, but that moment just brought out all the emotions I tend to keep inside. Heartbreaking. Just heartbreaking.

I remember many years ago (13 actually). My husband and I had just started dating. His ex-wife (the mother of his daughter) had recently died. We were watching ER, and the storyline involved a young mother who died leaving behind a baby daughter. The father talked to the mother, even though she was brain dead, and told her how beautiful their baby was and how he was going to do his best to be the best dad he could for their little girl. I remember looking at my future husband and he was sobbing. Tears were streaming down his face and he was sobbing. I remember thinking that it must have been painful to watch something on tv that so closely relates to your life.

I had no idea.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

A LITTLE RANT

I have to complain here for a second. I was listening to the radio while going to pick my son up from school. There was a woman on there who was saying she had to take her 8 year old son to the courthouse with her for one reason or another, and she happened up on a gay marriage ceremony. She went on to say how horrible it was for her because she then had to think up something to tell her son to explain to him why two men were getting married. The host suggested she should have told him "different cultures" greet people in different ways- in Europe men greet each other with kisses. Seriously? Seeing a gay marriage ceremony is this woman's biggest problem in her life? I wish I was her!

I'm not trying to debate anything here. I am a religious person. I belive in God deeply. But I feel strongly that it is not my place to judge. It is between the person and God. It's really none of my business. My job is to be the best neighbor I can be. Remember the whole "love thy neighbor as theyself" thing? It didn't say you don't have to love your neighbor if they are gay.

The fact of the matter is that there are gay people in this world. You child is 8 years old. If he asks about the wedding, you tell him that sometimes two men love each other and want to get married. You don't make a big deal about it. It's only a big deal if you make it a big deal.

A few years ago my son came home upset because someone at school called him gay. I asked him, "And what's wrong with being gay?" He couldn't tell me. Because he didn't know. Because he'd never been taught that. He'd been raised in a home where we love everyone. Even the people that get on our nerves. Even the people who are differnt than we are. Even the people who don't like us. We love and respect them all. It's not our job to judge them. You know what? I'm proud that I've taught him that.

Maybe I'm a terrible mother for teaching my kid that. Maybe that's why I can't have a baby.

Rant is over. Thanks for listening.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

OUCH

Library Lady: Do you own a daycare?

Me: No, I'm just helping out my husband's cousin.

Library Lady: Do you have any children.

Me: My son is almost 12 and my stepdaughter was just here. That little guy right there is hers. (Que guilt about not mentioning my other daughter. You know, the dead one.)

Library Lady: Well, it's good that you don't have any little ones at home. It would be too much after dealing with all these little ones.

At this point I run over and narrowly avert some fake crisis to get away from this poor lady who has no idea what she's just done to me.

OUCH!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I AM AFRAID



Before I start this post, I want to tell our all of our Vetrans thank you for your service to our country!

I'm afraid. I'll admit it. I have been thinking about having another baby. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. We just passed the date when Brenna was concieved. That's probably why I've been thinking about babies so much lately. Part of me wants another baby, but another part of me doesn't. Part of me is confident that I will have a live baby if I get pregnant again. The other part of me is scarred shitless.



I love the blog To Write Their Names In The Sand. What Carly and her husband do is beautiful and amazing. It means so much to families who've lost children. I sneak over and look at the photos from time to time. What has stuck me though, is how many people have lost more than one child. Some families have lost three. I know many people, Jenell, Mandy, Mrs. Muelly, and Jaded to name a few, who've suffered multiple losses. My doctor told me that the chances of having an unscarred uterus rupture is about the same as getting stuck by lightening. The chances are the same for suffering multiple losses. I'm not feeling very lucky.

It just makes me nervous. I think I could handle it, but I don't think my poor son can. He's only 11, and loosing Brenna really affected him. He was heartbroken, and we ended up taking him to counseling. I could not put him through that again.

My husband and I talked about it the other day and he told me he's afraid that I would die, and he's not sure it's worth the risk.

But, truth be told, I think it's worth it. I know it's worth it.

Monday, November 10, 2008

NOT ME



OK, so I saw this on someone else's blog, and I'm stealing it. Sorry! I'm not very creative lately. My mind is blank.

  • Today is not my husband's birthday.
  • I did not spend more than I planned on his gift.
  • I did not tell my son that I better get a good present for my birthday after buying his dad all this stuff.
  • I did not fall back asleep this morning.
  • My son was not late for school. (Actually, this one is true!)
  • I do not know how he made it in time. (Also true!)
  • My dog did not roll is poop for the umpteenth time this week.
  • I did not consider letting her stay covered in poop.
  • I am not tired of bathing her.
  • I did not eat a cupcake after dinner.
  • I certainly did not eat two!
  • They were not spectacular!
  • My son did not get all A's and one B+ on his report card.
  • That is not the best report card he's ever gotten.
  • I do not now owe him $250 because of that report card.
  • I am not sorry I made a deal with him three years ago that we would pay him for his grades. (Actually, I'm not sorry at all)
  • I did not enjoy writing this! ;)


Sunday, November 9, 2008

Things I have learned.

Lessons I've learned from loosing my baby.

1. Pregnancy does not always equal baby. Even if you make it past the first 12 weeks.

2. Follow your gut. If you have a nagging feeling that something is wrong- it probably is.

3. Dead babies make people very uncomfortable.

4. Deadbabymamas make people uncomfortable too.

5. Referring to your deadbaby as a miscarriage makes people feel more comfortable.

6. No one knows what to say when your baby dies. So most people say nothing.

7. When someone does say something, you will never forget it.

8. Expect a long, awkward silence when you mention your baby.

9. You will think about your baby long after everyone else has forgotten.

10. My mom will do anything for me.

11. My mom is the only other person who truly understand how I feel about this. Even more so than my husband.

12. Watching your daughter suffer a loss must be horrible.

13. There are people who you think you can count on, but when it comes down to it, you can't.

14. Some people will suprise you, in good ways and in bad.

15. Your relationships with people will change. Many people simply will not know what to say or how to act around you. You will slowly drift apart.

16. Abdominal surgery hurts like hell.

17. You will forget the physical pain.

18. You won't ever forget the emotional pain.

19. Your heart can literally feel like it's broken. It is a physical pain you can not imagine.

20. It's OK not to cry. We all grieve differently. Just because society expects a grieving mother to be a weepy mess doesn't mean she has to be.

21. You will look better on the outside then you are on the inside.

22. If you don't tell people you are hurting, they will never know.

23. It's OK to tell people when you are hurting.

24. Don't forget the family you still have. They need you.

25. Writing helps.

Friday, November 7, 2008

They Didn't Make It

I have been bad at keeping you updated.

Jenell's twins did not make it. Their names are Alexis and Ashlen, and they are joining their big sister Makenna is heaven. My heart literally sank when I read that they had not made it. I honestly felt like they were bringing those girls home.

They have now lost three babies in 10 months. How is that possible? How do you "get over" that?

Please, please, please, take a moment and let Jenell know you are thinking of her. You're support has meant so much to me, I'm sure it will mean even more to her.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Thanks!

Thank you for voting for my picture. Right now I'm in first place. :)

I swear, if I could have any job in the world I'd love to be a photographer. Can you say dream job? If I win I'll get $300 which I'm going to use to pamper myself. Hey, I think I deserve it. This year has been hell!

I also wanted to tell my mom thanks. She bought me a beautiful dragonfly necklace the other day. She read my blog and read the post about dragonflies. She said she saw that necklace and knew she had to get it. It's silver and small and really my taste. I've worn it almost everyday since she gave it to me. THANKS MOM!

Also, her friend gave me a really cute dragonfly clip. I love it. I'm going to post a picture of both of them tomorrow. Thanks Deb.

Speaking of dragonflies, has anyone noticed that my new header has dragonflies in it? That's why I picked it out!

It's late. I have a real post coming soon. I promise! :)

Please vote for my picture!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Excited

I have a (real life!) friend K, who has been struggeling with infertility for four years. She recently underwent IVF, and yesterday she found out she is expecting twins! I am so happy for her. She has been trying for so long, and has went through hell to get these babies. She's only five weeks along, but I can totally see her coming home with two babies.

If it wasn't for my loss, I would not know so much about infertility treatments, and I would not be able to share in her joy the way I do right now. Thank you Brenna, for teaching me that lesson.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Tagged

I've been tagged by one of my fav bloggers CLC.

Seven weird facts about myself. There are so many to choose from, how will I narrow it down to just seven?

1. I can not sleep with my back facing to the outside of the bed. Even if I am the only person in the bed, my back can not face the closest side of the bed. I have had this fear since I was a child that someone was going to creep up on me while I was sleeping. (Thanks grandma for letting me watch all those scary movies when I was SIX- namely Poltergeist! )

2. Speaking of my grandma- she LOVES a good dirty joke. The dirtier the better. She has made my husband blush on more than one occasion. He won't even take the phone anymore when she wants to tell him a joke. There are just some words that are very wrong when coming out of an old lady's mouth.

3. I love to do the laundry. I don't know what it is. I think maybe it's linked to childhood memories or something but I really love washing clothes. There is nothing better to me than slipping into bed on freshly washed linens.

4. Loose teeth make me feel sick. Really. When my son has a loose tooth he taunts me with it because he knows it makes my stomach turn.

5. (I'm sorta stealing this one from CLC) I kind of have a sixth sense. No I'm not psychic, but I do get these feelings. Like one day a few years ago I woke up and I felt this feeling of dread. All day I couldn't shake it. We had an ice storm and lost power. I went to my mom's house. The phone rang and I just knew it was bad news. It was my stepdaughter- a tree had fallen on her car while she was in it. When I was pregnant with Brenna I just could not imagine bringing her home. I tried to picture it but I just couldn't. My mom was shopping with me and wanted to buy stuff for my shower but I stopped her. I just somehow knew. Just like I have this feeling that if/when I have another baby- everything will be OK. I have none of the fear that other people have talked about. I just have a feeling that everything will turn out OK. I have really learned to trust my gut and not second guess myself anymore.

6. I use salt on almost everything I eat. Pizza, hamburgers, spaghetti, chicken, mac and cheese, eggplant... you name it, I salt it. The list of things I don't salt is much shorter.

7. Poor table manners make me nauseous. This is probably because my mom and step dad were so big on table manners when I was growing up. People who talk or chew with their mouth full disgust me. (I had a boss who ate like this and it literally made me gag). Slurping soup/hot drinks makes me skin crawl.

OK. Now I tag No Swimmers, Jaded, Little Miss Hopeful, Allison, Mrs. Mother, Kristi, Jen

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Miracles Do Happen

I have been semi-following the blog of a mother who was told at 20 weeks that her son would surely die. Instead of terminating the pregnancy her family decided to carry the baby and pray for a miracle. That miracle came just a few days ago when little Stellan was born. Happy, healthy, and full term. They just went home from the hospital. I know that not everyone who reads this blog is of the praying persuasion, but there is no other explaination for me. He is a living, breathing miracle. Here is a link to her blog.
I would not be honest with you if I didn't tell you that for a second (just a second) I caught myself wondering why she got her miracle and I didn't get mine.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

A Miracle

Things are not looking great for Jenell's girls. But there is hope. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers. Call me an optomist, but for some reason I feel like this story is going to have a happy ending...

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Monday, October 27, 2008

Update

Update on Jenell and her twins. She's still pregnant!!! Yay!

Last I heard they were doing something to take some fluid off hoping her bag of waters would go back done where it belongs. (Sorry I can't be more specific). Things were still the same though. She is dilated to 3, which isn't good. They can't do a cerclage because the bag of waters is bulging. She is only 21 weeks along, and they don't give steroids until 24 weeks. So she is hoping to hold on for 3 more weeks until the girls have chance for survival. She lost her first daughter about 10 months ago. I am being very optimistic because I just can't imagine loosing three daughters in less than a year. She says she feels very calm, and isn't panicky at all. She's very strong.

Keep the positive thoughts coming.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Prayers Needed

My BBC "friend" Jenell is in the hospital at 21 weeks with her twins. All I know is that her bag of waters is bulging and they have her inverted. She also suffers from PCOS and struggled to concieve. Please send her all the positive energy you can. No one can handle the loss of three children in less than a year.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Her Name in the Sand

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2008/10/brenna-johnson.html

The Choice

My friend's cousin died yesterday in a car accident. He wasn't someone I knew very well, but my husband was casual friends with him. I was online signing the guestbook for the funeral home, when I read something that I had to share with you all. It was written by the mother of one of his friends.

"...He became one of many boys who called me "Ma!" ... T___ had a way of touching everyone's heart. The thing I look forward to in entering Heaven, is hearing T___'s voice yelling, "Maaaa!" May the Lord hold and comfort you and your family as you face the coming days. May your memories and those of others comfort you. May you realize that Jesus weeps with you. And may you come to see that whatever you are feeling, it's okay. May you make the choice not to become bitter and closed, but open. And may you realize that God is sitting with you, fully present, grieving your loss- but also restoring you. And in that, may you find hope. Much Love, J___"

The part that sticks out to me is "May you make the choice not to become bitter and closed, but open". I've never thought of it as a choice, but it is. We either choose to dwell on our loss forever, or accept it and move on. Moving on doesn't mean forgetting, it just means letting go. Letting go of the anger, and the sadness, and the depression, even the guilt. It's not easy. But it's doable. It's also necessary if you ever want to have any semblance of a life.

I also appreciate when she says whatever they are feeling is OK. It's nice to know that you are not insane or evil for feeling some of the feelings that go along with grief.

I wish someone would have told me this when I lost my baby.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

We All Have A Little Fight In Us

So it's safe to say I now live in a small rural town. I grew up in the city, but moved out here with my husband after his father died. His mom was alone, on a farm. We moved out here to help her out, and had plans on moving back within a year. That was 12 years ago.

Our community is small. It's the kind of place where everyone knows everyone's business. Rumors spread like wildfire. Secrets are few in this town. But it's also a very safe place to live. Up until a month ago, I didn't even carry a key to my house. We just didn't lock it when we left. Still don't most of the time. Crime is rare in my town. I doubt the police would even know how to investigate a serious crime. Drunk driving is the most frequent crime in this town.

That's why what happened here a few weeks ago was so shocking.

A woman awoke to find a man standing over her bed. This woman is our school's crossing guard. She's so nice to everyone, always smiling and waving. I don't think she has an enemy in the world. She's just a really wonderful person that everyone knows as "the crossing guard lady". She's also batteling cancer. Even through cancer, she's still at work everyday helping the kids cross the street.

Well, she woke up to see a man standing over her bed. She could smell that he had been drinking. He told her she was going to get what she deserved. Her 12-year-old son was asleep in the next room. She didn't want to wake him, or put him in danger. She also didn't want to get raped. She fought the man. They made some noise and her son woke up. He went to her room to investigate. When the man saw her son he told her that if she didn't do what he wanted, he was going to hurt her child. Bad idea. Her motherly instincts kicked in and she kicked the shit out of this guy. So much so that he ran to get away from her. She left so many marks on him that when word got out what had happened he was easily identified from the marks. His family turned him in.

What he didn't know (and no one else knew either) was that our sweet little crossing guard used to be a Detroit City police officer. She's also a black belt in karate. Afterwards she said it was the threat to her son that sent her off. The instinct of a mother is a wonder of nature.

B___ you are my hero!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Jolted

I'm sure this has happend to everyone. Today I was dozing off, and out of the blue I was jolted awake with the thought, 'My baby is dead!' Why at that exact moment? I do not know. I was almost asleep. It made me think for a few minutes. I still can't believe this has happened to me. I still can't wrap my mind around it. It's still surreal.

A few minutes ago I was updating my profile on BBC (babycenter) and I went to the section where you put your kids birthday. Ouch!

It had filled in the info for Brenna based on my due date. It had her birthday as 08/08/08 and her age as two months. Wow. She should be two months old right now. That hurt. It's the first time in a long time that anythings hurt, but that did. I try no to drive myself crazy thinking about how old she should/would be. I don't keep track of that. So when it's pushed right into your face it's a little hard to ignore.

Last night we went out with friends. One of them is the friend who was pregnant the same time I was. She's the one who has a girl. We had fun, it didn't bother me. She showed me pictures of her baby and I didn't get sad.

I have a friend who just got done with her first round of IVF. She found out of Friday that it worked! I am genuinely happy for her! They've been trying for a long time, and I really am happy for her.

But then I look at pictures of a friends baby on Face.book, and I get jealous, sad, depressed... mad.

I don't know why some things bother me and others don't. For the most part nothing bothers me anymore. But then something will happen, and it's like a stab in the heart.

Grief, I just don't understand it.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Coincidence? I think not.

"A true friend can see the suffering in your eyes,
while everyone else just sees the smile on your face."


Here's a weird thing my Amber and I talked about tonight:

Last year on November 10th we got together and celebrated my husband's birthday. We had a spectacular time. My brothers came out and stayed the night at my house, Amber was the designated drive. She met Rob that night. I got pregnant with Brenna.

Tonight we talked about how life changing that day was, and how unaware of it we were. Amber said something that I don't think I will ever forget: "We were both given someone who was precious to us that night. Only to have them taken away." Then she asked me why I thought it happened. I didn't have an answer for her.

When I introduced her to Rob, I thought they might hit it off, but I had no idea they would fall in love like that. They really were perfect for each other. She said he was the love of her life, and she fears she won't ever love anyone like that again.

I'm certain that I got pregnant on November 10th because we had house guests for two weeks, and November 10th is the only time conception could have taken place if you get my drift (can you say dry spell!). I know that is when it happened. And I too am afraid that I will never have another baby to love again.

Amber is out here basically all alone. Rob's family is great to her, but honestly they don't know her that well. I am really all she has here. She is depending on me. I have been thinking about this a lot: If I had not suffered my loss, I don't think I would be as good of a friend to her as I am right now. I know that is terrible to admit, but I know in my heart it is true. I have been there for the deaths of both of my in laws. I've lost friends. I assumed I knew the pain of loosing someone you love. I didn't. Nothing can compare to the loss of my child. I now know (unfortunately) what it's like to loose someone so dear to you. Although our losses are different, I still understand now better than I ever could have before. I would not know what she is feeling. I would not be able to give her advice, and tell her what to expect. I would have tried to help her, but I would not have known because I hadn't experienced it. In a way, I'm glad that I am able to understand. (That doesn't mean I'm glad I lost my baby- it just means that since I did loose my baby, I'm glad I can help someone.)


Amber and I when I was pregnant with Brenna.


Wednesday, October 15, 2008

October 15th

I never even heard of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day before. If my daughter had not died I would not even know it existed.

I wish I still didn't.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Life Goes On

Back to normal life. Last week literally was hell. Wow. I hope I never have to go through that again as long as I live. I read the police report from Rob's accident... Let's just say it wasn't as peaceful as I tried to make myself believe. Rob's step mom said she is going to try to get a bill passed in memory of Rob requiring hunters to use safety harnesses. Why don't they? The thing that bothers me about his death is that last year there were three people that he knew who fell out of tree stands. They all were seriously hurt, but none of them died. (None of them were as far up as he was either). My neighbor, who is my husband's best friend and who I consider family fell 12 feet out of a tree stand and broke his back. He's been a paraplegic ever since. Rob knew that. He knows my neighbor very well. Why didn't he learn? One more question that will never be answered.

So life goes on. This week will be harder for Amber than last week. This week she probably will dream about what happened. She'll have crying spells for no reason. She'll keep asking God why. This week is when it will really hit her. She will become depressed. She'll see things that remind her of him. She look at his picture all the time, she might ever sleep with it. This week she will think she hears him coming home, only to realize he isn't there. I wish I didn't know what she was going through, but I do. Whether it's your husband, your child, or your friend, grief is all the same. The stages are the same. The world still goes on, even though you don't think you can. But you do. Not because you want to, but because you have to. I talked with her tonight. I told her this week is going to be harder than last week. Last week was a blur because you get into business mode because there is so much to be done. This week it's back to reality. You realize nothing is ever going to be the same. This is the week you truely get to grieve. She asked me when you get over it, and I was honest and told her never. I told her it's always going to hurt, and you are always going to miss him. But soon you'll have more good days than bad, and you will realize that you are stronger than you think you are. I told her this week is going to be hard, but next week will be better. She thought that was a good way of putting it.

I hope I'm right.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

My Google Reader is Overloaded

I have tons of unread items on my Google Reader. I might just ignore them all and start fresh. No one had the time to read all of that!

The funeral was today. The image of Rob's mom laying her head on her son's chest and wailing is permanently etched in my memory. Of her being lead out of the church, her whole body heaving. I will never forget that. It was so painful to see, I can't imagine what it was like.

If there is anything I have learned from this nightmare it's how lucky I am. Yes, I lost my baby. Yes, I loved my baby. But I did not love my baby for 32 years, and then have to bury her. I have to admit, her loss is harder to swallow. Her heartbreak is a million times worse than my will ever be. I don't think I've ever felt worse for anyone in my entire life.

Several years ago my husband's friend died. He was the kind of guy who'd ride his motorcycle at 100 miles an hour just to get a rush. He was a "living on the edge" kind of guy. Everyone liked his because he was good looking, funny, and has a bluntness about him. You never knew what he was going to say- and he didn't care who he offended. He was just so fun. He died in a snowmobile accident. It was horrible because his fiance was pregnant with his first child (a boy who would later be named after him). It was awful when he died. It was just so, so sad. But it wasn't a surprise. He was a risk-taker. It wasn't shocking that he died because he was always pushing the limit of everything. With Rob, it's such a shock because he wasn't a risk-taker in any way. He was a meticulous, follow-the-rules kind of guy. He was the kind of guy who did everything right. After his divorce he was left in serious debt. Instead of writing it off and filing for bankruptcy like many guys would, he buckled down and paid off every penny. In fact, he recently just paid off the last of it. That was what kind of guy he was. He always did the right thing. He was caring and sensitive- things you don't see to often in young men. But he was also funny. He'd do anything to make you laugh...

I guess my stepdaughter said it best. "Rob just isn't the kid of person you expect to die".

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Please Visit

I have not forgot you Stacy. Please go and visit Stacy. I have been following her blog for a few months. Her son Isaac was born, and died today. Please take a few moments to keep her and her husband Spencer in your prayers.

As for me. Today was hard. Tonight was the showing for family and close friends. Amber called twice and asked me if I was coming. I felt awkward because it was mostly family, but as soon as I got there they made me feel right at home. Such a nice family. The mortician did a good job. Rob looked like himself, but you could tell he definitely feel on his face. They used the same funeral home we used for the baby. It wasn't as hard going in there as I thought it would be. It was just odd. I've been to way to many funerals at that funeral home. The mortician joked with me that everytime he sees me people are crying- he'd like me to invite him to a happy family event. :)

I've got to get to bed. It's after 1 in the morning. I haven't gotten much sleep. Thanks for the kind thoughts.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Update

I know I'm not bad luck. But this is such a crappy thing. When you really love someone, whether they are family or just feel like family, you hurt with them. My husband's family is large, and has lost many members. It been hard. I saw both of his parents die. But this is different. They were old, they had full lives. Even though we wanted them with us longer, their death was no surprise. It was not tragic. Rob's death is tragic. He was a young, vibrant person looking forward to the rest of his life. He had found that person that we all look for. His soul mate. The love of his life, as he put it. And it ended all too soon. They live next door to the funeral home. Something he said freaks me out now. He said it was freaky living there because whenever someone died, he would see the body being delivered. I'll never forget that. Today, Amber saw them delivering his body. It was horrible. She had to be restrained because she tried to run out to the house to see him. She kept saying all she wanted to do was hug him. All she keeps on thinking of his him falling. Dragging his broken body through the woods. It's just horrible. It's so terrible when someone you love is hurting so badly, and there is nothing you can do to help them. We've always done everything at the same time. Went to the same school, same grade, shared the same locker, married older husbands, had our babies at the same time. I never thought we'd share this too. I never thought we'd both be burying loved ones just a few months apart.



This is Amber and Rob, the first night they met, on my husband's birthday.


7 Months

Seven months almost came and went without me realizing it. Last night when I went to bed I thought about it. I wondered if every month on the fifth I was going to think of her. Count in my head how long she's been gone...

Then I was jolted awake by tragic news. My best friend's fiance died last night. I introduced them last year on my husband's birthday. Shortly after she told me he was going to be the love of her life. She was right. They got engaged and move in together. She lived in my hometown so she had to quit her job to move out here. They were planning on having a baby. Last night he went out bow hunting alone. He didn't take his cell phone with him either. He fell out of his tree stand, and landed on his head. He tried to crawl home, and ended up collapsing. They looked all night, but didn't find him until this morning. It got below 30 degrees out last night. I think you can imagine what shape he was in. She is just beside herself. I feel horrible for her.

Now I know what it was like for my close friends to watch me suffer when I lost my baby. We've been friends since middle school. We had out babies together. We got married the same year. We took different paths in life, but we've always remained friends. What happens to her happens to me. I feel her pain. I've never really realized how painful it must have been for my friends when Brenna died. I just assumed they felt bad for me. I never realized how bad they hurt. I hurt so bad for her. She's been through some very tough times, and we all thought she finally had caught a break. This guy was just great. He treated her so well, and she deserved it. He was only 32 years old. I can't sleep tonight because I keep thinking of her. She is living my worst nightmare. It just breaks my heart. (They are having the funeral at the same funeral home we had Brenna's. That's going to be hard.)

I'm beginning to feel like I've got the kiss of death or something. (I've posted about several horrible tragedies these past few months.) Then, to top it all off. When I called my dad to tell him what happened, he told me his best friend and our close family friend died last night from a heart attack. You have got to be kidding me. (Did I mention today is my grandson's birthday?)

For those of you who don't know me in real life, you are lucky. I'm beginning to think I am bad luck.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Untitled

I can't think of a stupid title for this post. I'm having a hard time even thinking straight. I think I'm having a hard time right now because her 7 month anniversary is coming up. Also, my son has been at camp all this week with his school, and I'm really missing him. Our house is quite without him. It makes me realize how much my life truly revolves around being a mom. It also makes me scarred that I will never have another baby. That terrifies me. I am a mom. It is the number one priority in my life. It is the thing that I know I do best. I am afraid that I will never be able to be someone else's mom. And that is almost more than I can handle. I want another baby more than anything in this world. I can not imagine my life without having a baby. My husband is another story.

His birthday is in six weeks and he's already bitchy about it. Every year he gets all pissy around his birthday because he's freaked out that he's getting older. This year he will be 48. In this day and age I don't consider that old. It's practically middle aged! But he thinks he ancient. He thinks he's too old for a baby. He doesn't want to start all over again. Frankly, I feel guilty because I don't want to bring a baby into this world if it really isn't wanted. I don't want to pressure him into having a baby. But, the drive to have one is so strong... It's all so confusing. The I feel guilty because I know there are tons of people out there who don't even have one live baby, and I should be happy for what I have. And I am. Just because I want more doesn't mean I appreciate what I have. It just means I want to add to what I have.

UGH! I just don't know what to do! Which brings me to my survery? Would you have a baby knowing that it would be a high risk pregnancy and there could be lifethreatening complications? Please vote!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

I Miss Her

I just miss my girl. That's all. Unfortunately everyone else in my life is paying for it, because I've been an uncontrolable bitch.

I just miss my baby.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

HELP

Is there a way to make a post private on blogger? Just one post. If you know, please help me!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Football

I watched part of a football game today. I'm sure everyone in deadbabyland has heard about Matt Bryant the kicker from Tampa Bay who's three month old son died unexpectedly of unknown causes. I never watch football. His team was playing the Packers, and my husband doesn't follow either of those teams. But it just happened to be on today while we were doing things around the house. My husband pointed out to me that the guy on the TV was the man who had lost his son. I watched him kick the winning field goal. I saw the look of pain on his face, and knew what that look meant. I never thought I would ever have anything in common with a football player. But as I sat there watching that on TV, and even as I write this now, I feel such a sense of connection with this man. It was quite a moment. The announcer said something about not being able to make this stuff up- this was the stuff movies are made of. It had that magical feeling to it. I couldn't help but be touched by that. It really was an awe inspiring moment.