Sunday, April 25, 2010

IT'S BEEN AWHILE

I didn't realize it's been two weeks since I've posted anything here.

That infection really kicked my butt, and I have just now began to feel better.

The truth is I haven't had much to write. I have things I want to write about, things I think about. But when it comes down to typing them out I go blank.

My step-daughter is struggling with extreme morning sickness during this pregnancy. She was on a clear liquid diet a few weeks ago and had to resort to methods other than pills to stop her vomiting. When she was pregnant with her son I was so excited. We talked about the baby every day, and we shopped all the time. This time around I don't feel the same excitment. That's not to say I'm not excited, because I am. But I feel distant this time. I'm afraid that my distance during the pregnancy is going to mean I'm distant when the baby comes, especially if it's a girl. (I have a feeling that this baby is a girl.) I am afraid that I will not love this baby with my whole heart like I do my grandson. I know that once I see the baby I will fall in love. Logically, I know that.

But I can't help worrying that my relationship with this baby is going to be affected by the loss of my own baby.

I can't help but worry.

3 comments:

JenJen said...

I imagine that it is extremely difficult for you to see and hear about a pregnancy with someone so close to you in real life...I'm sure your distance with the baby will lessen once they get here...

((hugs)) and, I'm glad that you're feeling better!

klarsen said...

It must be so difficult. Praying for peace fr you. I know you will love that baby just as much as your grandson. It just might take some time. xxx

CJ said...

Having loss a daughter three years ago, I understand the anxiety surrounding the birth of your step-grandbaby. I had twins, one survived and one didn't - I still sometimes turn my head when I see identicals.

You seem to be a loving, open person who desires to be the best you can. Don't beat yourself up, try to stop worrying - even though you won't be able to(SMILE). When that baby is born, you will find that you have space to love him/her. You may be distant about your step-daughter's pregnancy, but don't let that make you feel you won't love that child. You heart has space. And you may feel a little jealous and maybe even a bit resentful. We feel those things sometimes - but losing a baby is a complicated thing, and it produces complicated feelings. As much as we hate it - all of that is natural. The dangerous thing is when we don't address the negativity and we allow it to cause us to act outside of who we are.

After the baby is born and as he/she starts to grow, if you feel like you aren't loving appropriately and your feelings are overwhelming, recognize it and get some objectve help and advice. It's still ok.

So enough of my unsolicited advice.

Peace and Blessings to you. I am following from MBC. I also blog about my loss at http://killsuperwoman.blogspot.com

cj