About Me

I am a 30-something city girl who moved to the country to live on what used to be my husband's family farm. Let me clarify that this was not something I ever wanted to do. I never pictured myself a country girl.

I moved out of my mom's house while I was still in high school. I then met my future husband when I was 18. If you told me then that I would end up marrying him I would have laughed in your face. He was 34 and had a 9 year old daughter. Definitely not what I was looking for!

I started realizing what a great guy he was and how much I liked spending time with him. We started dating shortly before I turned 19.

Eight months later I was pregnant.

This was not how my life was supposed to go. After the initial panic I threw myself into motherhood. My son was born two weeks past my due date in April of 1997. I expected to love my child, but I did not expect to fall so deeply in love with him. The center of my world.

We were married the next year.

My step-daughter had lost her mother the summer before I began dating her father (they were already divorced). That was not something I was prepared to deal with at 19, but we got through it and today she is one of my closest friends.

I spent the first part of my son's life staying home with him. I worked part time as a preschool teacher and he went with me when he was old enough. I loved working with kids, but it wasn't what I wanted to do for my entire life.

A few years ago my career sort of fell in my lap. I work in a mostly male dominated field. I'm an estimator and production manager for fire and water restoration. Basically, if you have a fire I come to your house, decide what needs to be fixed or cleaned, how to go about doing it, make sure it gets done, and bill you for it. I love my job. It's very stressful but also very rewarding.

After we had my son my husband felt he was too old for anymore children. We didn't try for anymore, and in 2005 I was diagnosed with PCOS and told I didn't ovulate. In my mind anymore babies were out of the question.

Two years later, the day after my 31st birthday, I found out I was pregnant. To say I was shocked would be and understatement. I never thought we would have another baby, but I was overjoyed. I knew right from the start I was having a girl.

My pregnancy with her was rough, but I always thought we would bring her home.

She was stillborn on March 5, 2008.

My life changed forever that day.

I initially started this blog to talk about her, my loss, my feelings, my grief. I love having this place to look back on. There are many things that happened that I wouldn't have remembered.

I named my blog Living Without Brenna because that's what I was doing: living without her.

These days I find myself writing not just about her, but about my life, and whatever is on my mind. I love blogging. When something happens in my life I find myself furiously writing a blog post in my head. It's the best outlet I have, and I contribute it to my healing.

This is my story of life without her.