Wednesday, December 31, 2008


I am on my way to take our cat to the vet. He means a lot to us. My step-daughter recieved him as a gift from her mother shortly before she died. My husband had him when we met. In fact one of the things I remember from my first visit to his house is the cat. Everyone remember's Simba. We've had him longer than my son has been alive. I'm really afraid they are going to tell me we have to put him to sleep. I don't know if I can do that. As if 2008 hasn't been crappy enough, you have to take my cat too?

Edited to add: Simba has to stay at the vet's. They are thinking liver, but bloods tests will tell us for sure. There still is the possibility that he is to ill and there is nothing they can do for him. If that is the case, the vet said she would recommend we put him to sleep because he would most certainly suffer. Best case senario is that he needs medication and will be back to his old grumpy self in no time.

Monday, December 29, 2008


I recently celebrated my birthday. I was unsure how I would feel on that day, because last year I was pregnant with Brenna on my birthday. Like usual, it wasn't at horrible as I anticipated. We went out with my brothers, cousin, and some other friends to a bar to watch my brother in law play in his band. We really had a lot of fun. The next day my husband even commented that it was good to see (and hear) me laugh so much. It was one of my best nights of 2008 (which isn't saying much because '08 was so crappy, but you get the idea). I really had a fantastic time.

My brother's girlfriend couldn't go with us, but met us back at my brother's house. JJ and I stayed there since we live about an hour away from where we were going, and they live about 3 blocks. My brother has been dating her on and off for about 7 years. It hasn't been until this year that I really have started to count her as a real friend. We've grown close this past year. She's one of the very few (OK, only) people who I talk to about Brenna or how I'm dealing with it. I don't talk with her about it much, but I do talk with her which is more than I can say for most people. I just really like her a lot, and trust her completely (which is a lot because I have MAJOR trust issues). Anyway, she offered to carry a baby for us. And she was dead serious. I was actually speechless. I didn't even know what to say. That is the nicest thing anyone has ever offered me. I know that it is not an option. For one, surrogacy is illegal in my state. Even if it were legal, she is not a candidate because she has never had any children of her own. But still, the fact that she even thought about it means the entire world to me. I just love her so much for thinking of me. Now, if I could just convince my brother to marry her...

Sunday, December 28, 2008


This is my first show and tell. This picture was taken back on the 10th. I've been meaning to share it with you, but just haven't gotten to it. I was having a normal day, and I stopped at home to get the mail before I picked up my son from school. As I walked up the driveway to the mailbox, the sun nearly blinded me. I snapped this picture with my camera phone. I wish it showed the beams from the sun, and how they reflected on the snow. It was absolutely beautiful.

When I shared it with a friend, she made a reference that it was the baby trying to communicate with me. The thought had never even occurred to me. I'm not sure I believe that. I witnessed beautiful things in nature before loosing my baby, and I can't really give her credit for the beautiful things I see after her death. It's all a little too hocus-pocus for me. Instead I choose to be grateful that I can still see the beauty in this earth. If that beauty happens to remind me, or anyone else, of my little girl- well, that's just icing on the cake.

Edited to add: This comment was left for me by Ciaran's mom, "Maybe our babies don't make the moments, but maybe they sometimes point things out to us that we might have otherwise have missed" Point well taken. I think I may have been to cynical, and should be a little more open. Thank you!


Please go visit Nicole who just gave birth and watched her child die on the same day. He was diagnosed with Trisomy 18, which I'm sure hits home with many of you.


Every single person I know in deadbabyland is either trying to conceive or has conceived since their loss. Well, that's not true- two people are considering adoption. Regardless, they are working on a baby. And I am not. And it really sucks.

A few of these people have unfortunately suffered another loss after their first, and that is horrible. Many have delivered beautiful little boys and girls. Most are growing them as we speak. Some have been trying to get pregnant with no luck yet. But still, they are trying. And I'm not. And my eggs are getting older and older. So is my husband.

It's just very hard to sit by and watch everyone else do what I want to be doing, and not be able to do it. I have every hope that if we tried for another baby it would happen. But the odds are not on my side. It was 10 years after my son before I got pregnant again. After many years of unprotected sex. Brenna was a total shock.

I don't know if I'll ever get that lucky again.

Sorry for the pity party. It's really getting lonely out here in the not trying section.

Friday, December 26, 2008

2008 YOU SUCK!

Dear 2008,

I can not wait for you to be over. You have been the worse year of my life. You have brought me more grief than any other year, ever.

I welcomed you in on bed rest with a subchorionic bleed. That was real special. Then I spend the first part of you recovering from that, and feeling like crap.

Then you took my baby. And I got the special privilege of recovering from major surgery for the middle of you. Then I spend the last half of you missing my baby and wishing that you would get over with so I can move on.

I won't even mention how you took my best friend's fiance this year. Or how my husband's friend died in a car accident. I can thank you for those wonderful memories too.

About the only good thing I will remember from you is my step-daughter getting married. So at least I'm grateful you didn't mess that up.

So good by and good riddance 2008. You really have been the sucky-est year of my of my entire life. I am hopeful that your successor 2009 will do a MUCH better job.


A Disgruntled Customer

Thursday, December 25, 2008


Of course this Christmas is not the Christmas I had planned. I expected to have a new baby who was celebrating her first Christmas this year. I did not expect her only presence to be an ornament with her footprints hanging on the tree. That is not the Christmas I envisioned. My heart is heavy this year, but I am still celebrating Christmas. Not only for my family, but for myself. After all, Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Christ. It is his day today, not mine. It's such a big holiday, and it takes much more energy not to celebrate then it does to push through and go with the flow. So that is what I'm doing. I enjoyed watching the kids open gifts this morning, and I will enjoy spending time at my mom's house this afternoon. I will enjoy Christmas. But my heart is heavy non-the-less. I'm sure all my bloggy friends understand. So Merry Christmas to you all. I hope you find today as peaceful as possible.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


It occured to me the other day that Brenna didn't make much of an impact on this world. In fact, once my familyand I are gone no one will have even known she existed. As time goes on I start to forget. I forget what she felt like. Her tiny little feet. How small she really was. Not that much time has passed, but I am forgetting. All I really have left are her pictures and foot prints.

I think I mentioned before that my husband's sister lost her first two babies. One died when he was a few hours old, the other a few weeks. I know what happened, but I never really remember her talking about them except to say she put a grave blanket on their grave site or something like that. During our recent family Christmas her and I were talking with a group of people. She was telling us what all her grandkids were up to (she went on to have two more healthy children). She opened her wallet to show us pictures of the grandkids. Someone asked who's baby pictures were in there, but I already knew. My sister in law smiled, and said, "Those are my first two babies". She had this look on her face, and I could tell she was thinking about them. It really struck me because my sister in law is older than my husband. In fact her kids are older than I am. The babies that she lost were born in the 60's. They would be in their 40's now.

And she still carries their pictures.

And it still hurts her.

I guess it just touched me because it made me realize that no matter how much times passes, we can still go back to the time our babies were born. We will still think of them. We will still carry their pictures. It made me feel good in a way, because that means 40 years from now, my baby will not have been forgotten. I may not remember every detail, but I will always remember her.

Sunday, December 21, 2008


One year ago today my whole life changed. I have much to write about, but I don't much feel like it today. I'll catch up tomorrow.

Saturday, December 20, 2008


This time last year I was pregnant with Brenna. I had no idea yet. I wouldn't find that out until tomorrow. This was the last "normal" day of my life. After this day my life would change in ways I could never imagine. I did not feel well, and I remember my sister teasing me that I was pregnant- which I (lovingly) told her she was a moron for suggesting. I had no idea. Which is crazy considering I'd already been pregnant before. I guess my brain just couldn't go there. I could not fathom concieving a child after all these years.... One year ago today was the last day I was a normal, innocent person. I had no idea that I would be starting a life changing journey the very next day.

Oh, and it's my birthday.

Friday, December 19, 2008


Ignore the neighbor's dog who came for a visit!
Also ignore the GRILL that is STILL outside.

Thanks Katie!

Thursday, December 18, 2008


Today was a good day. I got a lot of things accomplished, and was super busy all day. On the way home I was even thinking how great I feel. How happy I am- which is surprising considering the time of year*. But I am. I don't know the last time I've felt this good. It's like things are starting to fall into place for us.

Then I got home.

I won't bore you with the details, but it's safe to say that I was thrown a big fat curve ball. :( Financially, we are in trouble. This new job can't start soon enough.

*On this day last year I was laying on the couch felling sick as a dog. I thought I was battling the flu. I had no idea I was actually growing a baby! I keep thinking back to "this time last year" and thinking about how different things are from what I thought they would be.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
~Albert Einstein~

Don't you just love that? No I did not find that quote myself- I stole it from Angie.

So I didn't make it out to lunch with my mom yesterday. Instead I went and accepted a job offer. Someone asked what type of job it is. Well, it's something I haven't really done before. It's basically marketing. I almost fell off my chair when they made a salary offer. I've never made that much money in my entire life! NEVER! Let's put it this way: I will make more in one week than I make in a whole month at my current job (and then there is commission and bonuses!). Seriously. I don't even know why they are hiring me. I'm starting to feel very nervous and unqualified. In this economy, I can not turn the offer down. I just can't. My husband's job is in construction, and with the way the economy is you never know if he's going to have a new project to go to. This would take a load off our minds. The answer to our prayers. In this economy I would venture to call this a miracle! I don't start until January, so I'm glad I get to spend Christmas Break with my son

One thing keeps nagging in the back of my mind. Do I tell them about the baby? I haven't yet. It's a husband and wife team. They are both great people. Do I let it come up in conversation or do I not say anything? I can't imagine spending so much time with someone who doesn't know about the most defining moment of my life. But I also kind of like being looked at as normal again, and not broken. What would you do?

Monday, December 15, 2008

Weekend Away

My husband and I enjoyed a much needed weekend away. This is the first time I've ever stayed at a bed and breakfast. I was always leary because I don't want to stay in someone else's house. It wasn't like that at all. In fact, we will be returning there very soon. My husband had his company Christmas party, and it was about an hour from our house, so we decided to stay at this b & b. I am so glad we did. It was a last minute thing- but exactly what we both needed.

Speaking of the company party- I was really nervous someone was going to ask us how many kids we had. My husband was working for another company when Brenna died, and started at this company about a month later. I don't know how much he's shared (they aren't a "close" company). Thank God no one asked me because I didn't know how to answer.

Anyway, here are a few pictures. Gotta get going. I'm meeting my mom for lunch.

Friday, December 12, 2008


So I got the job. At least I'm pretty sure I got the job. Boss-lady called me today to ask me to come back in Monday to discuss salary and such. She also said she has been excited since meeting me last week, and she wishes I was there with her today. Flattery will get you everywhere. :) I'm sort of excited, but I'm also nervous. When it comes to me I am a perfectionist. I don't do anything unless I know I am going to excel at it. I loath my own failure.

(Totally off topic- this just occurred to me as I was writing. I wonder if that is why I've been having such a hard time with loosing Brenna. Do I look at her death as my own failure? I have to think about that some more.)

So anyway, I may have a new job. My husband tells me I would be crazy not to take it. We live in Michigan, and let me tell you the economy is terrible here. I know it's bad all over- but Michigan is it's own kind of shitty. It is a great opportunity, and I will be making more money than I ever have before. It is definitely the answer to our money prayers.

Oh, and you know how I was thinking that if I didn't get the job it was God's way of telling me that a baby was in my future? Well, now I think since I did get the job, it's His way of telling me a baby is in my future. Now I will be financially secure.

Man, I can turn anything into a positive can't I?

Thursday, December 11, 2008


Today while grocery shopping I heard someone call out "Brenna!" and my heart stopped beating. I looked around and saw a girl- not much older than my son. I looked at her, but I didn't see her. I couldn't tell you what she looked like. I didn't want to see her. I knew one day it would happen. One day I would meet someone who shared her name. I just didn't expect it to be at the grocery store. My son was with me, and he heard it too. He didn't say anything, but I could tell by the look on his face he heard it too. I wish I could go back and think of something wonderful to say. But I didn't, and I could kick myself. It was my job to comfort him, and I was too wrapped up in my own feelings to have time for his and that makes me feel awful.

As if I didn't feel awful enough.

I think it's the holidays, but these days seem to be harder and harder. I remember last Christmas being so excited that we would have a new baby in the family next year. We were all excited.

We put our tree up, and I am going to Bronner's (Christmas Wonderland!) and get an ornament with her name on it. I'd like to have something I can put up each year.

I don't know... it's just so hard. This used to be my favorite time of year, but all I can do lately is think of what was happening this time last year. Finding out I was pregnant. Hearing the heartbeat. Seeing the baby for the first time. It all happened this month. It seems like a lifetime ago. I was such a different person then.

I'm such a different person now.

I think a lot about having another baby. The problem is, I don't think it will make me miss her any less. It won't fill the hole in my heart. So now I think, what's the point?


Sometimes when you are really feeling down the world has a way of putting things in perspective for you. Two years ago a young boy I know was diagnosed with leukemia. His mother set up a website through the hospital took keep his family and friends updated on his care. I joined so that I would know how he was doing. (He has fully recovered- thank God!) For some reason, don't ask me how, I started recieving updates about another little girl who had cancer. I haven't recieved many, but a few days ago I recieved an urgent update.

Let me step back and fill you in on this little girl. She is 13 years old now. She had cancer. I am assuming it was in her bone at one time, because she had a donor bone put into her leg. Then, shortly after she recieved the donor bone, she was in a very serious car accident- and broke the leg. Yes, the same leg that was just operated on. Her younger sister was also seriously injured. That was earlier this year. Her sister has healed well, but the girls leg has not healed as it should. It still has a serious infection. Months later.

Today I read the urgent update and it is the worst possible news. Her cancer is back. This time in her lungs. She needs chemo and radiation. But because of the infection in her leg it won't be possible. So you know what that means... amputation. Yes, this poor girl is going to have to have her leg amputated next week. Then she will start chemo the week after that. The week of Christmas.

I don't know this person. I've never met her family. But her story is one that makes my story seem small in comparison. My pain is great. It is the greatest pain I've ever know. But I have to tell you, I don't think it is even close to the pain this girl's mother is feeling. To watch your child suffer for years... I can't even go there. I just can't imagine.

Kind of puts things into perspective for me.


One year ago today I was at a friends house. She was ready to give birth anyday. We talked about having more babies and I said something I will never forget:

"No way! Not me! I've got it made right now. Brendan is older. We can do whatever we want, and don't have to deal with babies and sitters. I'd die if I had a baby right now!"

Little did I know I was growing a miracle baby as I said those words. It wasn't my period that started a few days before. I was pregnant, and had no idea.

Those words will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

What's In Your Phone?

Just for shits and giggles we are going to play a game. It's a game I found on another blog, while browsing blogland in sheer and utter boredom from being snowed in. If you would like to play along, click on the picture on the left.

So, here is What's On MY Phone:

This is a ringtone someone sent me.

This is me and three of my brother's last November. We were out celebrating my husband's birthday. It's actually the night I got pregnant with Brenna.

I still keep a picture of the pregnancy test I took in a Wal.mart bathroom. I was so shocked that I took a picture of the test because I couldn't believe it was real.

My step-daughter got married 11 days before Brenna died. This is pregnant me trying on dresses for her wedding. I took a picture because I just coudn't decide. (I know you totally love the socks with the dress!)

Pictures of Brenna when she was born. I didn't know that my phone would take such good pictures. I sent my husband out to buy a disposable (which took HORRIBLE pictures). We were so far from home, and didn't have a camera. I cherish these pictures that my phone took, and will have a hard time buying a new phone because they are on it.

This is my son and grandson this summer playing outside.

This is when I was having a particularly craptastic day. I was driving and it was raining and I literally drove out of the rain. I took this picture with my cell phone. I blogged about it here.

Remember my friend who's fiance died? We read he died on Janis Joplin's birthday. Later that same day, we went out for lunch (day after his funeral) and right outside the bathroom was this sign. I just had to take a picture.

My pet pig.

I'm not sure if this one really counts because it's actually a picture I took of a picture on my computer. But it's my husband and I, last Halloween. I'm Gilligan- he's the skipper!

Capturing A Short Life

Thank you Aunt Becky for letting me know that this documentary exists. If you live in Canada you can watch it on CBC Newsworld at 10 PM.

I am very jealous because it's not being shown in The States.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Not Me Monday

I am not sick again today.

I am not concerned that I keep on getting sick because I had 5 units of blood transfused into my body.

I did not have to recount the whole ordeal of my surgery, stillbirth, etc. to my family doctor today.

I do not have to get blood drawn.

I am not sick of being sick.

I do not want to crawl into bed and sleep all day.

I am not going to do that right now! :)

Sunday, December 7, 2008


I am a problem-solver, not a problem-haver. I am the person who everyone goes to when they need advice. I am the shoulder to cry on. The person to call in the middle of the night. I am not the person who calls you in the middle of the night, or who cries on your shoulder. I don't know why I am that way, I just am. Lately it seems, when I've reached out to my so called friends, they don't know what to do or how to handle it because they have never had to help me. I am always helping them. So the subject is quickly changed to their own problems and how I can advise them. I'm beginning to see how one-sided these so called friendships are, and I saddened by the fact that it took my baby passing for me to realize it.

On a totally unrelated note: I found out by accident that my brother is talking to The Crazy Bitch again. For those of you who don't know, she was his girlfriend who faked a pregnancy to keep him around. Then, six weeks after my daughter's stillbirth, she had the nerve to fake her "babies" death and call me and look for sympathy. (FYI- there never was any baby!) She is all kinds of crazy, and I knew right away that he was talking to her again because he started talking about her again. As in "She is so crazy", "She won't leave me alone". I knew that he was talking to her again. And I was right because I caught her at his house. I didn't say anything to him about it, because honestly what is the point? It will turn into me looking like the crazy asshole, and him defending himself, and that is not what I want. It was a few weeks ago, and I haven't said anything to anyone. I don't think I even told my husband. My stepdaughter and I talked about it, and she was so livid she wanted to drive over there and punch them both. I don't know what is going on with them, and I don't really care. If he has so little respect for me, then why waste my time on him. But I am still mad that he would even talk to her. No matter what the reason. If the tables were turned I would never talk to that person again. I love my brother more than that.

Also, I had a job interview this week. It went very well and they really liked me. It's a pretty lucrative position and it will double our household income. But, it's a lot of hours. I don't see being able to have a baby and keep that job. So if I don't get the job I will take that as the Universe's way of telling me a baby is in my future. Am I an optomist or what?

Friday, December 5, 2008

Nine Months

It's been nine months today since I've lost my baby.

I could have grown a whole new baby in the time you've been gone. But I don't want another baby. I really wanted you. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you, or want you here with me. The hole in my heart is not healing, and I don't think it ever will.

I'm just learning to live with it.

Thursday, December 4, 2008


I ran across this blog today, and I thought I would share it with all of you. Trish and Dustin will be delivering their son Max tomorrow. Max has been diagnosed with trisomy 18. It's uncertain how long he will live. Please take a moment and visit them to lend your words of support.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

And the Winner is...

Connie, Jen, and Mrs. Spit! Congrats ladies. I've sent you all emails.

That was fun. I have to think of something else to give away...

Monday, December 1, 2008


I wanted to share this site with you. I am in no way affiliated with it, but it has some fantastic gifts for someone who is missing a baby this holiday season.

I also wanted to give you something for Christmas. So, I've decided to give away personalized DVD's to three of you. These usually cost $100 each! I will make them for you and mail them to you for free! All you have to do is email me the pictures you would like to use and tell me what songs you would like (or I can pick them out!). Below are a few examples of videos that I have made. I can make whatever kind you would like. Usually I make several different videos like those below, and put them together on one DVD. They make the greatest presents! (Please keep in mind that you will be emailing me the photos. I can use up to 200 pictures, so you will probably want to have high speed Internet access). I will burn an image and title directly on the DVD. It's not a paper label. I wish I had a photo to show you, but I don't sorry. You'll just have to trust me. :) Also, US mailing addresses only please.

How do you get this you ask? Send me an email. I have set up an email specifically for this. Tomorrow at 7 pm (my time) I will use a random number generator to pick 3 numbers. If you are that number email, you will get the present! (After I am done I'm going to delete the emails, I don't want you to think I'm going to send you spam or sell your addresses. I'm not.)

The email address I have set up is

Merry Christmas, friends. And thanks for reading.

Part of a video I made for my stepdad's retirement.

My son.

Part of a memorial video for my husband's aunt.

Part of a family video.