Thursday, December 11, 2008


Today while grocery shopping I heard someone call out "Brenna!" and my heart stopped beating. I looked around and saw a girl- not much older than my son. I looked at her, but I didn't see her. I couldn't tell you what she looked like. I didn't want to see her. I knew one day it would happen. One day I would meet someone who shared her name. I just didn't expect it to be at the grocery store. My son was with me, and he heard it too. He didn't say anything, but I could tell by the look on his face he heard it too. I wish I could go back and think of something wonderful to say. But I didn't, and I could kick myself. It was my job to comfort him, and I was too wrapped up in my own feelings to have time for his and that makes me feel awful.

As if I didn't feel awful enough.

I think it's the holidays, but these days seem to be harder and harder. I remember last Christmas being so excited that we would have a new baby in the family next year. We were all excited.

We put our tree up, and I am going to Bronner's (Christmas Wonderland!) and get an ornament with her name on it. I'd like to have something I can put up each year.

I don't know... it's just so hard. This used to be my favorite time of year, but all I can do lately is think of what was happening this time last year. Finding out I was pregnant. Hearing the heartbeat. Seeing the baby for the first time. It all happened this month. It seems like a lifetime ago. I was such a different person then.

I'm such a different person now.

I think a lot about having another baby. The problem is, I don't think it will make me miss her any less. It won't fill the hole in my heart. So now I think, what's the point?


Mrs. Spit said...

Oh Holli:

that must have been so difficult for you, I'm sorry.

I think you did the best you could with what you had.


mrsmuelly said...

Holli, I'm so sorry this time of year is so hard. It certainly didn't help that someone called out "Brenna". I'm sure that your son do comfort him. One day, this time of year might actually be really enjoyable again - just not now. It's totally understandable.