Sunday, October 19, 2008


I'm sure this has happend to everyone. Today I was dozing off, and out of the blue I was jolted awake with the thought, 'My baby is dead!' Why at that exact moment? I do not know. I was almost asleep. It made me think for a few minutes. I still can't believe this has happened to me. I still can't wrap my mind around it. It's still surreal.

A few minutes ago I was updating my profile on BBC (babycenter) and I went to the section where you put your kids birthday. Ouch!

It had filled in the info for Brenna based on my due date. It had her birthday as 08/08/08 and her age as two months. Wow. She should be two months old right now. That hurt. It's the first time in a long time that anythings hurt, but that did. I try no to drive myself crazy thinking about how old she should/would be. I don't keep track of that. So when it's pushed right into your face it's a little hard to ignore.

Last night we went out with friends. One of them is the friend who was pregnant the same time I was. She's the one who has a girl. We had fun, it didn't bother me. She showed me pictures of her baby and I didn't get sad.

I have a friend who just got done with her first round of IVF. She found out of Friday that it worked! I am genuinely happy for her! They've been trying for a long time, and I really am happy for her.

But then I look at pictures of a friends baby on, and I get jealous, sad, depressed... mad.

I don't know why some things bother me and others don't. For the most part nothing bothers me anymore. But then something will happen, and it's like a stab in the heart.

Grief, I just don't understand it.


Breanna and Dave said...

the wake up jolts happen to me also. im so sorry that you had to deal with bbc. i hope you are doing well.

Aunt Becky said...

Grieving is tricky work. I was looking at my contacts in my address book after I imported them into my iPhone and SMACK! There was Steph's name right there. I couldn't delete it, no matter that she's dead. I don't know when I will.

Mrs. Mother said...

I also get those jolts. It's weird to think about. I also get the jolts of "I'm not pregnant anymore." I would be 31 weeks Wednesday.

Some things bother me but others don't. The one thing that bothers me most is hearing about those who mistreat their children, and I wonder why they were allowed to have those precious lives and I wasn't.

Heather said...

I'm with you too. I keep getting coupons in the mail from baby companies saying "your baby is three months old now! here's what's going on developmentally"... Knocks me down emotionally.

And you're doing way better than I am with friends' babies. I haven't made that step yet. Good for you.