I'm sure this has happend to everyone. Today I was dozing off, and out of the blue I was jolted awake with the thought, 'My baby is dead!' Why at that exact moment? I do not know. I was almost asleep. It made me think for a few minutes. I still can't believe this has happened to me. I still can't wrap my mind around it. It's still surreal.
A few minutes ago I was updating my profile on BBC (babycenter) and I went to the section where you put your kids birthday. Ouch!
It had filled in the info for Brenna based on my due date. It had her birthday as 08/08/08 and her age as two months. Wow. She should be two months old right now. That hurt. It's the first time in a long time that anythings hurt, but that did. I try no to drive myself crazy thinking about how old she should/would be. I don't keep track of that. So when it's pushed right into your face it's a little hard to ignore.
Last night we went out with friends. One of them is the friend who was pregnant the same time I was. She's the one who has a girl. We had fun, it didn't bother me. She showed me pictures of her baby and I didn't get sad.
I have a friend who just got done with her first round of IVF. She found out of Friday that it worked! I am genuinely happy for her! They've been trying for a long time, and I really am happy for her.
But then I look at pictures of a friends baby on Face.book, and I get jealous, sad, depressed... mad.
I don't know why some things bother me and others don't. For the most part nothing bothers me anymore. But then something will happen, and it's like a stab in the heart.
Grief, I just don't understand it.