Thursday, May 22, 2008

Good Times

Someone asked me yesterday what my tattoo said. I didn't think anyone would ever ask, so I didn't prepare myself for the answer. I had taken three preschoolers to the library for story time. It went something like this:

Librarian: What does your tattoo say?

Me: (pause) Brenna- please do not ask who Brenna is. Distract the kids so they don't ask where my baby is. I don't want to have to explain...

I was no prepared for that.

I think I am becoming jaded. Today my son had a function to go to. While we were there I discovered one of the mom's had a new baby. (I didn't even remember she was expecting). I couldn't stop looking at her baby. She is seriously one of the laziest women I have ever met. Her husband does everything for her. She's a grouch (to put it nicely). I couldn't stop looking at her, because I couldn't help but wonder why she got to have three healthy babies. What have I done so wrong in life? Why am I being punished? This woman gets a beautiful healthy baby, and I can't have mine? I just don't understand it. Then I felt the tears well up. Please don't do this now! I couldn't help it. It was all I could do to not cry right then and there. It was awful. I couldn't wait to get to the car.

My friend also had her baby on Monday. She had a girl. I didn't go to see her. I'm scarred to death. She had a girl, and named her the name I always wanted to name my baby girl. (But she was due first so she got it). I am afraid that if I go to see her I will fall apart. I'm terrified. We were due 3 months apart. We were both having girls. I envisioned our babies growing up together. Now, she's always going to be a reminder of what I don't have. Everytime I see her I'm going to be reminded of the baby I don't have. I'm very happy for her, and I'm glad they both are ok. She is a beautiful baby. But, I'm really nervous to go see her.

No comments: