Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I AM AFRAID



Before I start this post, I want to tell our all of our Vetrans thank you for your service to our country!

I'm afraid. I'll admit it. I have been thinking about having another baby. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. We just passed the date when Brenna was concieved. That's probably why I've been thinking about babies so much lately. Part of me wants another baby, but another part of me doesn't. Part of me is confident that I will have a live baby if I get pregnant again. The other part of me is scarred shitless.



I love the blog To Write Their Names In The Sand. What Carly and her husband do is beautiful and amazing. It means so much to families who've lost children. I sneak over and look at the photos from time to time. What has stuck me though, is how many people have lost more than one child. Some families have lost three. I know many people, Jenell, Mandy, Mrs. Muelly, and Jaded to name a few, who've suffered multiple losses. My doctor told me that the chances of having an unscarred uterus rupture is about the same as getting stuck by lightening. The chances are the same for suffering multiple losses. I'm not feeling very lucky.

It just makes me nervous. I think I could handle it, but I don't think my poor son can. He's only 11, and loosing Brenna really affected him. He was heartbroken, and we ended up taking him to counseling. I could not put him through that again.

My husband and I talked about it the other day and he told me he's afraid that I would die, and he's not sure it's worth the risk.

But, truth be told, I think it's worth it. I know it's worth it.

9 comments:

Aunt Becky said...

*hugs*

CLC said...

I wish I had an answer for you. But you will make the right decision in time. Thinking of you!

Breanna and Dave said...

you are in my prayers. i hope your heart find the answer you are looking for.

*hugs*

The Fabulous Ms. Beth said...

hugs mama -- you're in my prayers as well..

Mrs. Mother said...

I am scared to, even though we are TTC. One of my doctors told me that having another baby with Trisomy 18 would be like getting struck by lightening twice, but I don't trust statistics so much anymore. Big hugs to you.

Jessica said...

First, I love your new background. Secondly, like the other posters, I wish I had a easy and quick answer for you, but I don't. I know that when you are ready, you will make the right decision. Hugs

Kristy said...

I don't have an answer for you either... I hope it's ok though just to share... & yes, I know the same feeling.

Mine began as not even ~having~ an instinctual reply when people asked 'will you have another Baby?'... there was just nothing there... at all. I didn't know how I'd ever have an answer, or even ~if~ I'd ever have an answer...

I also know about not trusting statistics - they're useless if you're 'that one' aren't they... our Brenna was never meant to be lost in the first place, according to statistics...

I also know about that fear.

Whatever path your answer takes you, it's just that path we end up travelling... and before you know it, you look behind you and you're further down it than you ever imagined... even though it still stretches out in front of you and some days it feels no easier...

I know my answer won't be for everyone... I wanted to share though that eventually... I got to a point in that path where there was ~some~ instinctual answer... and when I got there, then the fear...

and then... I realised that so long as I did everything I could, there was nothing else I could do. The rest was entirely out of my hands... and instead of scaring the bezooey out of me as it had done for so long, it lifted a weight off... which I never could have imagined in the days and months before.

My answer, our answer, for us, was that the possible joy in bringing a new little person into the world, was very worth the risk of heartache again... if that makes sense. I don't know quite how I got there, and again, I know it's not the same answer for everyone (there was a time when I was determined never ever again) but I thought I'd share, because I remember very well the 'unsuredness'...

With hugs, and best wishes. May the path, whichever road it takes you, treat you kindly.

xo Kristy

theviewfromthisplace said...

just this past saturday my husband and i were talking about trying again. we've lost two very loved and very wanted babies...and i almost died due to blood loss and very low blood pressure.

in spite of all this, to us the only thing scarier is not trying again...but that's us.

you take your time with this decision, because it is a heavy one.

thinking of you.

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