Saturday, November 15, 2008


First of all, thank you Jessica for noticing my new background. In case you haven't noticed, I like to mix it up a little. I like to change the layout of my blog quite often. But I like this one, I think it's going to be here for awhile.

So the other day I was talking with a family member and my close friend Amber. We were talking about someone who recently lost their adult son. The person I'm related to said, "I can't imagine loosing a child. It has to be the worst thing I could ever imagine..." and on and on and on. I just looked down and didn't say anything. Did she forget that I just had a stillborn baby 8 months ago? How could she forget -she was at her funeral!

It really reminded me how most people have forgotten. Forgotten about her. About my broken heart. My near dying. Even my pregnancy. They see me, and my smile, and forget that just 8 months ago my world came crashing down. On the outside I'm basically the same person. You'd never know that just 8 months, 1 week, and 3 days ago I was near death. I was dying. But I was lucky enough to have a doctor who saved my life. You wouldn't know that just by looking at me. If you could see the inside me you would see how different I've become. You would see how excited I was to be blessed with a baby, and how confused I was when she was taken away. You'd see how angry I was. You would know why I was afraid to let my son out of my sight. You'd also see how resiliant I am, and how proud I am that I've come this far. You'd see the new me, and you'd understand why.

If you could see the inside me, you'd know why I'll never forget her. And you'd never forget her either.


Aunt Becky said...

I'll never forget her, either.

Amy, queen of the world. said...

It may or may not make a difference, as I don't know you and you don't know me...but her story has touched me so that I won't ever forget her, either. Losing a child, no matter when, is unbearable and unexplainable and terrible and a million other adjectives that won't even scratch the surface of the actual experience. Almost dying is the same.... unexplainable to those who have never experienced that feeling. You've done a good job staying sane for these months. :)

Mom to 2 boys +? said...

Holli - I want to tell you how proud I am of you. I remember those first dark weeks after Brenna died and all the struggles you went through. I remember your anger and your fear and I am so proud of how strong you've been to push through that. I know you aren't the same as you were, and I didn't know you before, but I think you are an amazing woman now.
I'm sorry your friend was so insenstitive. It's really hard how people move on and think that just because we can function that we don't still hurt and grieve for our babies.

tiger said...