Sunday, December 28, 2008


Every single person I know in deadbabyland is either trying to conceive or has conceived since their loss. Well, that's not true- two people are considering adoption. Regardless, they are working on a baby. And I am not. And it really sucks.

A few of these people have unfortunately suffered another loss after their first, and that is horrible. Many have delivered beautiful little boys and girls. Most are growing them as we speak. Some have been trying to get pregnant with no luck yet. But still, they are trying. And I'm not. And my eggs are getting older and older. So is my husband.

It's just very hard to sit by and watch everyone else do what I want to be doing, and not be able to do it. I have every hope that if we tried for another baby it would happen. But the odds are not on my side. It was 10 years after my son before I got pregnant again. After many years of unprotected sex. Brenna was a total shock.

I don't know if I'll ever get that lucky again.

Sorry for the pity party. It's really getting lonely out here in the not trying section.


Antigone said...

I feel that way in my own way about other things.

I know a few women here who aren't trying. But, yeah, most seem to jump back in. I think it was just a week after the stillbirth that I started talking about trying again. It was how I coped with the grief. In many ways not trying again, not immediately, is a very brave choice.

Reese said...

I would have waited a while if I was younger, but honestly it was a horrible tick-tock that put a fire under me. I am almost 34, Ronan was my first child, and the pressure (self-inflicted mostly) to try to start my family was deafening sometimes.

Where ever your journey takes you, Holli, I wish you gentle times. I wish you had your baby girl here with you..

Love, Reese

Foreverloves said...

Sweetie, I understand. We waited 8 months before trying, and with infertility and IVF, I wasn't sure if I could even get pregnant again. I would have waited longer, but I'm turning 35 in January...I felt like we couldn't wait. If we couldn't get pregnant again, I knew we would adopt and that process takes a long time.

Even during that 8 months, I saw so many people trying again and it was weird because we were ALLOWED to try but we still didn't. People didn't seem to understand that at all.

I know in some ways it's really hard and I'm so sorry. I'm one of the deadbabymamas who is pregnant again, so I hestitated to even leave you a comment, but I feel for you, I really do. (Hugs))