FOLLOW UP

This is a follow up to this post. Kristi made some very good comments, and I've been thinking about them. (I also want to thank Kristi for leaving me that comment. I don't want anyone to ever feel afraid to comment on something if they disagree with me. I welcome everyone's comments. I am not easily offended. It also helps me to sort our my thoughts if someone offers a different opinion. )

I totally understand what she is saying. I guess it doesn't make sense. I just know that for me, it seems so much easier because I didn't have to labor and birth her. If I had, I know that I would have been in a much worse place emotionally. I know I would have. I did not have to make any tough decisions- they were all made for me. That made the process easier, for me. Maybe not for everyone. But for me, because there were never any "what if's" for me. The decisions were all made. I never had to second guess myself. It was easier to move forward.

It does bother me that someone who looses a baby at 14 weeks is said to have suffered a miscarriage, while someone who looses a baby at 20 is said to have a stillbirth. Why is there a difference? I also think that as a society we look at stillbirths as far more devastating then miscarriages. It's socially acceptable to take time off from work after a stillbirth, but not after a miscarriage. It's OK to name your stillborn baby, but people get kind of squeamish if you name a baby that was miscarried in the first trimester. I don't think it's right or fair.

When I wrote my previous post I hope I didn't make anyone thing that I was minimizing their loss. That was not my intention. All I was saying is that for me I know that I had an easier time dealing with my loss because of the reasons I stated. Had things been different, I would have been different. If I had to be induced and go into labor and give birth to a dead child you bet your butt I would have been in a much worse place emotionally. That is a given. One does not expereince that unscathed. I feel that I had it easier (so to speak) because I did not have to go through that process. It has nothing to do with gestational age. It's more to do with my experience. While I understand, and appreciate, what many of you have said, I still feel that my experience was not as horrible as it could have been. (There's the optomist in me!) I've heard much worse stories. I guess that goes back to when the bible says, "God will never give you more than you can handle". My loss was all I could handle.

Hey Amelia...

Welcome to the world little girl. Your mom is awesome. If you get half her brains and humor, you will be a very lucky girl.

"B" IS FOR BRENNA

I ordered a necklace with a letter B charm. I finally came today, and when I opened it I showed it to my girlfriend. She said, "Why did you get a B?" I tried to be nice when I said, "For my baby!" But I could tell she was really embarassed. It was like she forgot or something. I brushed it off. But it bothered me. Why the hell do you think I ordered a B? Have you already forgotten?

The funeral for my husband's cousin is going to be on Thursday. This will be the sixth funeral I have been to in less than eleven months. It has gotten so bad that I have a couple "funeral outfits". When a funeral comes up I already have a black outfit picked out. Wow. That is depressing.

I AM AT A LOSS...

I just learned tonight that my husband's cousin lost her son today. He wasn't a baby, he was in his 20's. He was shot in a home invasion. That is all I know. She was crying so hard on the phone I couldn't understand everything she was telling me.

Her and I have grown especially close over these past 10 months. Her first child, a little girl, died shortly after birth. She never got to hold her while she was alive. She understands everything I feel, and is the only person in my family that I have talked to in depth about Brenna.

She raised one of her sister's sons as her own, and he passed away also. I can't imagine how she is going to get through this. I just can't.

When she called I felt so helpless. What do you say to someone who is hurting so badly? What do you do for them? I didn't know, even though I feel like I should.

I'M A WINNER! :)

Breanna has awarded me my first ever blog award! Thanks Breanna!

The award states: "These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

So here are my eight nominees:

Kristi over at Rainbow Over My Broken Road. Her blog was the first one I've ever read. We belonged to the same birth club, and I remember reading that she lost Eli just days before I lost my Brenna. She was the first person who reached out to me. The first deadbabyland friend I ever had.

CLC over at Please Give Me Back My Heart. One of the first blogs I began to read regularly. Her bluntness hit home with me. She does not pretend to have all the answers, and I appreciate that.

Antigone over at Antigone Lost. After loosing her precious Henry, she found herself pregnant and facing a divorce. She picked up her pregnant self and moved across the country. Little Perseus was born happy and healthy just this month. It's a long journey- and she's sharing it with us.

Reese at Letters to Ronan. She recently wrote one of my all time favorite posts. If you have the time you should go over and read it.

No Swimmers over at No Swimmers in the Tubes No Bun in the Oven. She's pregnant again after loosing her twin girls. Sometimes she makes me laugh, sometimes she makes me cry.

Mrs. Spit over at Mrs. Spit Spouts Off. If it weren't for her my grammar would stink. I also think she's partly to blame for my love of knitting.

JenJen over at Lilly's Mommy Forever. She also suffered a ruptured uterus, and knows better than anyone else exactly what I went through.

And last but certainly not least Aunt Becky over at Mommy Wants Vodka. Simply because she makes me laugh. I love her. (Bonus! If you go over right now you can see pictures of her ridiculously swollen feet!)

OK ladies- now it's YOUR turn to nominate eight people.

I'M JUST BEING REALISTIC

I sort of got bashed by another blogger commenter because of my views on miscarriage and stillbirth. I talked about this back in May and June, when another blogger helped shine some light on the subject for me. At the time my loss was fresh, and I had not gotten the certificate of stillbirth from the doctor yet. At that time I thought my loss was a "late term miscarriage". The term made my skin crawl, still does.

I know any loss is tragic. I get that. A first trimester baby is just as wanted and loved as a third trimester baby. I know that. But the fact of the matter is that I can't help but feel that I had it kind of easy as far as stillbirths go. I wasn't near my due date so I didn't have a nursery all set up waiting. My baby was delivered during surgery so I didn't have to physically birth her, or go through labor all the while knowing I was carrying a dead child. Does that make my loss any less painful? No. Does it make it easier to handle emotionally? Yes, I think it does. I had baby things at home, which was hard enough to come home to. But I did not have an entire nursery and all the cutesy little baby items waiting for me when I walked through the door empty handed. I can not imagine what that is like. I did not find out my baby was dead and have to walk around with her in my body, and decide how I was going to go about getting her out. Again, that is unimaginable to me.

I love Brenna. I wanted that baby with every fiber of my soul. I also have an 11 year old son. I can tell you that if anything ever happened to him it would be 10 million times harder than loosing Brenna. Not because I'm a heartless person who chooses one child over the other, but because I have spent the last 11 years of my life with my son. I know everything about him. We are bonded. If he was not here my life would change drastically. Unfortunately, I never got to know Brenna outside my womb. I carried her with me, but she was not a physical part of my day to day life. I only had her with me for a short time. After her loss, life quickly returned to normal. That does not mean I wasn't heartbroken- because I was (still am).

I guess what I'm saying is I'm just being realistic. I am only being honest when I tell you that I know in my heart there are people who've suffered losses far worse than mine. That does not mean I don't hurt because I do. All it means is that I am able to put myself in other people's shoes, and I understand that it's all a matter of perspective. My loss is horrible to me because it's the worst thing I've ever experienced. Just as someone's miscarriage is horrible to them because it's their worst experience. (Thanks CLC for that insite!)

I AM HAPPY

Yesterday morning as I was laying in bed, I cracked a joke and made myself laugh. My husband looked at me in a way that only husbands do, and said, "You're Happy Holli again, aren't you?" He then told me he hasn't seen me laugh so much in a long time. His friends wife works with me, and he told me that she said I seem very upbeat and happy all the time at work.

There have been times since Brenna's birth/death that I have had no hope for the future. I would try to find something to look forward to, and I just couldn't. Everything felt hopeless. On the outside, I looked fine (at least I thought I did). People would think I was "doing great". But those who really know me, knew that I wasn't myself. I was just existing- wading through life. Taking this job was probably the best thing for me. I really love it. I'm good at it. I'm happier than I've been in 10 1/2 months. I really am. My husband said I don't yell at him anymore. That kind of made me feel bad. I didn't realize I was yelling at him a lot, and he didn't say anything, he just took it. I guess it's true what they say- you take it out on those closest to you. He said he sees the old, happy me coming back, and he's missed it.

So have I.

WHITE BLOOD

I don't think I've ever told you about when I went into the hospital with my rupture. At the time we didn't know exactly what was going on. They told me that I needed surgery, but they weren't sure where I was bleeding. The surgeon came in and told us I would need a transfusion. I was in extreme pain. I have a very high pain tolerance, but this was getting so bad that towards the end I couldn't stand up straight. Needless to say we were all worried. We didn't know what was going to happen.

Then the nurse comes in. I couldn't tell you what she was doing, because I do not remember. The only thing I remember is what she said to us. (Mind you my husband and I are white people, and the nurse was a white lady). As she was getting ready to walk out of the room she put her hand on my leg and in a very reassuring voice said, "Don't worry, we'll try to get you some white blood. We don't want to give you any black-people blood." And then went onto to make some remark about craving "black food". My husband and I stared at her for what seemed like forever. I was so dumbfounded. I didn't know what to say. I believe I said something along the lines of not caring where it came from, as long as it was going to keep my heart pumping. At that point I think she realized that she said that to the wrong people, stammered something, and then got the hell out of the room. She never came back. It was so appalling to me, and even now thinking about it I can not believe that she said that to us. It just blows my mind.

I have family members from every color of the rainbow. My brother and sister are Asian. It's not something I even think about, so when people meet them for the first time they are often confused, and I have to explain to them that, yes, that black haired girl is my sister! My brother in law in Mexican. As a matter of fact, he started out his life as a migrant worker. He worked his way up in the company he's been with for about 30 years. He's made a great life for himself, and you couldn't meet a nicer guy. My cousin married a black guy, and they have three kids together. I could go on and on.

Which brings to the point of this post. I find it really appalling when people make nasty comments regarding our new president. I've heard a couple off-handed comments, and it drives me insane. Usually I have a quick comeback, or say something to make the person feel like the moron they are. I always make a mental note of it, and I never forget. People who say those things are not anyone I want to have anything to do with. Because I know that is how they truly feel, and I don't share those views.

I guess I feel the same way about our new president that I felt about the people who donated their blood to me: I don't care who they are or where they came from- they can save my life and get me out of the trouble I'm in- and I AM GLAD!

ANYONE WANT A DOG?

It is cold out. I was just in the car and the thermometer read -12. That is cold, friends. Very cold.

It's so cold out that my chihuahua doesn't want to outside. Yesterday he decided to pee on me. Seriously. He lifted his leg and peed right on my leg. I have never had that happen in my life. I do not know what he was thinking. He must be delirious from the cold.

Life has been busy with work, which is good. My husband got laid off today, which is bad. But we'll be OK. It's typical for his line of work. He'll be back in a month or so.

Lately I've been feeling like I've been pushing my feelings onto the back burner. I just don't want to be bogged down with grief again. I don't have time for it. When I feel it welling up, I ignore it. I'm not sure grief is even the right word. I guess it's just my feelings in general. I haven't taken the time to process them. I'm sure that can't be good for my mental health.

I had a horrible dream about babies two nights ago. I dreamt that we had a baby girl, but something was wrong with her. No matter what we did, she kept getting sicker, and he health was getting worse. But I loved her to death, and I didn't realize that there was anything wrong with her because I loved her so much. I'm not sure why it was so disturbing to me. I couldn't sleep after that.

I don't really know where I stand on the whole baby making front. Part of me desperatly wants a baby. But part of me feels like our life is so good right now, I'm afraid to mess with it. What if things don't turn out the way I want, will I be able to handle that? Will my family be able to handle that? There are just so many unknowns, and I guess, when it comes down to it, I am afraid. I'll admit it. I am afraid of what the future would hold for us if we go down the baby path.

I'm also afraid that even if we do have another baby, I will always have this nagging feeling that something (or someone) is missing. I don't think another baby would fix that.

CREEPS HAVE BABIES TOO

The job is going along really well. I'm learning pretty quickly. They like me, I like them, life is good. It is good to keep my mind so occupied. It's funny though. There are times when I still think of her during the day. When someone mentions being pregnant or a baby dying- I find myself thinking of her. My first day at work I was at a museum and I was looking at the things on the walls. There was a picture of a family, and it told about the children. It said they lost two babies. It caught my off guard. I had to catch my breath. I could instantly relate to those people, who have been dead for almost 100 years. But I could feel their pain. I wonder if I will always feel that way...
____________

There was also this creepy computer guy at my office today. He kept going on and on about his girlfriend having his baby and blah, blah, blah. All I could think of is, how is that guy getting a baby? But I guess, creeps have babies too.
____________

Things have settled with my friend. I just laid it all down and told her exactly how I felt. I felt like a ton of bricks have been lifted from me.
____________

Family life has been interesting to say the least. (My hubby and I are getting a long great. The problems aren't ours!) What do you do when you know a family member who you love has done something, and they are too embarassed to tell you? Do you bring it up? Or do you do what I've done and just not said anything? What do you do if it's still causing them problems more than a year later? Do you bring it up to help them out, or do you keep your mouth shut unless they ask for advice?

I know I'm being kind of vague, but it's not my story to tell so I don't feel comfortable sharing the information. All I can say is that there is someone who I am close to who is having a hard time right now, and I would like to help them. But I think they are afraid to come to me because they are embarassed to admit some things they have done. The thing is I already know what they did. I've known all along. I have just kept my mouth shut because I figured that if they wanted me to know they would have told me.

That do you think? Bring it up, or shut up?

COME ON '09, YOU CAN DO BETTER!

2009 is really messing with me. Good one day, crap the next. Today I got my car stuck in the snow. What fun. Also, my husband thinks my car is leaking transmission fluid. Not what I wanted to hear.

Aside from that things are OK. My new job is spectacular! I really like it. I am going to be taking down the pictures on the right (so if you want to remember what we look like- take a good long look!). I work with the public a lot, and I'm not sure how I would feel if one of my clients ran across this blog. I'd like to keep this part of my life mine- you know what I mean?

Other than that nothing very exciting has been happening. I had to cancel my appointment with my OB, because it was on my first day of the new job. So I will be going next week. I am kind of nervous as to what he will say. That will be when my hubby and I will have to have a serious baby talk. If we are not going to have anymore babies one of us is going to have to get snipped. I for one have had too much surgery, and I refuse to have my tubes tied. I say he's the one who doesn't want babies- he's the one to get the surgery.

Remember the Vasectomy Debate? My husband told me he wouldn't have the surgery because, "We can't risk a malfunction". I am dead serious. Even as I type those words I still laugh because I can't believe he said something so ridiculous. It still boggles my mind why he doesn't trust the doctor to put a tiny cut in his "family jewels" but thinks it's perfectly OK that he cuts me open! I just don't understand his logic.

I'm not pressing for a vasectomy, however. I'm waiting until March, and if the babymaking is still a no go, then we will talk vasectomy. I'm 32, he's 48. I don't want another surprise baby 5 or 10 years down the road.

PS- Go visit No Swimmers and share in her complete joy. She just got a BFP after loosing her twin girls.

2008

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Lost a baby, almost died, lost an uncle

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
never do it because I stink at keeping them

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
several people I know had babies

4. Did anyone close to you die?
besides my baby? my uncle, my husband's friend, and my best friend's fiance

5. What countries did you visit?
the US

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Money, fertility

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
March 5th the day that my baby was born/died and the day I almost lost my life
October 5th the day they found my best friend's fiance dead, also my grandson's birthday

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
keeping my sanity, and I really mean that

9. What was your biggest failure?
I can't really think of anything

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
my uterus ruptured and I almost bled to death

11. What was the best thing you bought?
we got my son a really nice laptop for his birthday

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
my mother- she took care of me when I needed her most (and I didn't even ask her to!)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
almost all of my friends, who I discovered were very self-centered

14. Where did most of your money go?
bills, bills, bills what else is there?

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
honestly? nothing

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Lullaby by the Dixie Chicks

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder? thinner or fatter? richer or poorer? sadder (although not as sad as I could be), I weigh about the same, and I'm (hopefully) getting richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
praying

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
crying

20. How did you spend Christmas?
with family

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
with my hubby, all the time

22. How many one-night stands?
zero

23. What was your favorite TV program?
house, psych, monk, the soup, prison break

24. Do you dislike anyone now that you didn’t dislike this time last year?
no

25. What was the best book you read?
I don't think I finished any books this year

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Music of Led Zeppelin, that was really interesting

27. What did you want and get?
I survived my surgery

28. What did you want and not get?
I think we all know the answer to that one

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
I'm not sure. I love almost every movie I see

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I went to the bar w/ family and friends (too much fun) I turned 32

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
a living baby

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
pajama casual ;)

33. What kept you sane?
God

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I'm not sure, but Wentworth Miller from Prison Break is pretty yummy

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
the whole election was pretty mesmerizing

36. Who did you miss?
who do you think?

37. Who was the best new person you met?
my new friend Lee Ann. She's great.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008?
I'm stronger than I think.


39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
I'm laid out on the floor,
but I've been here before,

I may stumble, yeah I might fall,
Only human aren't we all?
I might lose my way,
but hear me when i say,

I will stand back up,
Youll know just the moment when ive have enough,
Sometimes im afraid, and i dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

I've been beaten up and bruised,
I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees
more times than youd believe,

When the darkness tries to get me,
Theres a light that just wont let me,
It might take my pride,
and my tears may fill my eyes,

But I'll stand back up,
I've weathered all these stroms,
But i just turn them into wind, so i can fly,
What dont kill you makes you stronger,
When I take my last breath,
Thats when I'll just give up,

So, go ahead to take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
You might win this round but you cant keep me down,
'Cause I'll stand back up,

And you'll know just the moment when ive had enough,
Sometimes im afraid and I dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,
Youll know just the moment when ive had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up.

Stand Back Up- Sugarland

ONE DAY DOWN

So the new job isn't as terrible as I feared. I'd even venture to say I like it. The people are great. We really clicked. They know a lot of the same people I know. I have high hopes for this job. I think maybe 2009 was just teasing me... we will see.

My new boss asked me the dreaded question: How many kids do you have?

Well, actually he asked me how old my kids were, so that one was easier to answer. The "how many" one is the one that gets me. I just wasn't ready to hash out the whole dead baby drama to my new boss and his wife at our first business lunch. I'm sure eventually I will tell them, but my first day wasn't the day to do it.

2009, I THINK YOU SUCK TOO!!!!

2009 has not been good to me. I put my car in a ditch today. I narrowly avoided a head on collision, and the ditch was my only other option. Of course this is the one time in my life that I leave without my cell phone. So I had to knock on a strangers door (who was very nice by the way) to use the phone. After calling 5 people, who I couldn't get, I finally got ahold of someone to come get me. Only to have the cop tell me I had to have it towed right then. Good times, people, good times.

Luckily the car isn't damaged. My neck hurts like H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks but I think I'll be OK after a good nights rest and some mot.rin.

I start my new job tomorrow. I am nervous because I just don't know what to expect. It's a small company, so there aren't that many employees, but the ones I've met seem very nice. I guess I'm just not going to get my hopes up. I'm praying that this job doesn't end up in the "too good to be true" file. I'll let you know.

WHAT A NIGHTMARE

GLOW IN THE WOODS 7 X 7

1 Welcome to 2009. What have you left behind in the year just past? What do you hope to find in the year to come?

I have left behind the old me, and I hope to find part of her again. The always happy, always optimistic part.



2 We’ve just come through the season in which our culture touts cheer and peace and family togetherness rather relentlessly. How did your child’s death impact your experience of the “holiday” season, personally or culturally?

Honestly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I expected to be bawling my eyes out. But instead I choose to focus on the family I still have here with me, and to be fully present for them.



3 If you celebrate in any way through December, are there ways you include or acknowledge your lost baby/babies?

My mother bought me an ornament for the tree that is engraved with her name, and has an opening for a picture. I put the photo of her footprints in it. Instead of packing it away until next year, I decided to keep it out. Right now it's hanging on the mirror in my bedroom.



4 Through the year are there any holidays, seasons, or parts of what were once cherished rituals that have changed for you because of your child’s death?


None. My family and I still have to live our life.



5 Do you do anything to remember your baby/babies’ birth and/or death day? Or will you?

I will. My son is already asking if he has to go to school on that day. (He doesn't!) I plan on taking the day off from work and spending it with him.



6 Is there anything about the winter season (for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere right now) that lifts your spirits? Is there anything that especially brings them down?

NOTHING! Especially in Michigan when the weather is not at all enjoyable.



7 During your hardest times, how have you found your way forward?

I do not know. I really don't. But, I think blogging is the most cathartic thing I have ever done.

POST #200

I just quickly wanted to share with you the gift that my mom gave me today. In case you don't remember, dragonflies are my little way of remembering Brenna. My mom bought this necklace for me. It's a ruby and diamond dragonfly. I happened to see the receipt because she saved in case I didn't like it (how could I not?). I briefly considered giving it back because she got it on sale. :) But, I decided to humor her, and keep it.

But seriously, thanks mom! I love it.

ANXIETY and DREAD

I have not had a good nights sleep all year (get it? That's the extent of the joking for this post). We didn't go out for New Years because we were both exhausted. Would you believe it if I told you that we fell asleep at 8 pm? We did. I woke up at 10 and called to cancel our plans. I was looking forward to going out because last year we stayed in because I was on bed rest due to a subrionic bleed. I thought this year would be our fun year. I was very wrong.

Thursday night I kept waking up, dreaming about my poor cat. Friday the vet called to tell me she though we were just "treading water" and that we would have to discuss our options on Saturday morning. My new boss also called to ask me to start work on Monday. I had to tell her I couldn't start Monday because I'm already committed to work 3 days next week at my old job. (They hadn't given me a start date yet.) So I had to work that out and make phone calls. Needless to say I did not sleep well Friday night. I kept dreaming about the new job, the cat, how this is all going to effect my son... not good. We brought Simba home Saturday and I was syringe feeding him. He slept in the bathroom right by my bed (warmest spot in the house). So all night Saturday night I kept on waking up to check on him. When I did fall asleep I was dreaming about him. That night was a very restless night too.

I am exhausted. I am nervous. Ever since my new boss called I have had this feeling of dread I can not shake. I am feeling very anxious. That is a new feeling for me. I rarely get nervous or anxious about anything. I've been feeling this way for a few days now. I thought I would be excited about the job, but I've found that since loosing the baby I haven't really allowed myself to get excited about anything. Maybe it's a coping thing, I'm not sure. All I know is that instead of the normal excitement I'd expect to feel when given an opportunity like this- all I feel is dread.

To top it all off today marks 10 months since I lost Brenna. It feels like 10 years.

SOMETIMES OUR PRAYERS ARE ANSWERED

I have to admit that the loss of my child had taken it's toll on my relationship with God. As much as I would like to tell you it has strengthened and never wavered- I am only human and that is not true. I still have faith, but I have caught myself halfheartedly praying because I sometimes don't have much faith in the power of prayer anymore. I know it's because I am a spoiled brat. I have always gotten what I prayed for in the past. My prayers have always been answered. Loosing my child is the first time I can think of that my prayer was not answered. Not in the least. Sometimes I would pray for something, and it wouldn't happen but something else would and it would be immediately clear why I didn't get what I wanted. And His way always ended up being better.

After Brenna was taken from us, I did not (and still don't) see the plan B that He has for me. I still do not see the reason. Is it so that I would learn of the world of baby loss? So that I would write this blog? Because if that is the case, I'm sorry, but I would much rather have never even heard of any of you. Had I not lost my baby, I would never even know deadbabyland existed. I can't imagine that is the reason, but I am still waiting for it.

While I wait I still ask Him to lead me. Last night, I prayed. I prayed that my cat wouldn't suffered. I told God I wanted him to come back to me. I told him that I didn't want to have to make the decision to put him to sleep. I couldn't imagine taking him into the vets office and ending his life. I wanted him to be here, at home. This morning my husband woke up early, and went to Simba. He held him and told him he loved him. And he meant it. He laid him down so he could rest, but something told him to go back to him. He went back and held him some more. As he was petting him, Simba let out a big sigh, put his head down, and breathed his last breath. My husband's sobs woke me up this morning. I went in and petted him, and told him goodbye. While I was petting him I realized that my prayers were answered. Just not the way I wanted them to be: Simba died at home, we didn't have to put him to sleep, he was being loved, and he didn't suffer. Although it isn't want I asked for, it was what I wanted. Which made me think of Brenna. I always wanted a little girl- and I have one.

Sometimes our prayers are answered, and we don't even realize it.

HE DIDN'T MAKE IT

Passed away in my husband's arms.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT HIM TO SLEEP?!?

Things do not look good.

My poor little Simba is not doing well. He responded well the first day, but after that he regressed. We decided to bring him home, hoping that being here with us would perk him up. I don't think he has moved.

I know it seems so stupid to be so upset about a cat. I know it does. But I can't help it. He's been part of our life the entire time I've known my husband. He's moved with us. He's been through the good and bad. He is also a tangible link to my step-daughter's now deceased mother.

This past year has been full of loss. We've lost two friends, my uncle, our child. I just can't face loosing someone else. Even if that someone is a cat.

For now, I am feeding him with a syringe. If we can get him eating then his outlook is good. But right now, he shows no interest at all.

I'm still hopful.

FAMILY DRAMA

I live about two hours away from my dad. We see each other when we can. Talk on the phone about twice a month. There are a few events that we attend together every year. About two years ago my dad starting dating this lady. Well call him WW (for Wicked Witch- can you tell where this is going?) When we first met her two years ago we are were pleasantly surprised. She was pretty, nice, and really seemed to be into my dad. We were all happy for my dad, because none of us really remember him dating anyone seriously before. My husband (he's so wise) kept saying he was "waiting for her horns to come out". As in she was too good to be true. She was.

My dad started telling me things about her that I found annoying. I just chalked it up to insecurity. Then he skipped one of our annual events to go to a concert with WW. That bothered me because it's something we've done every year of my sons life, and we always looked forward to it. We still went, but his presence was missed. And, honestly, I was mad he didn't go. But, I figured that he lives so far away from us, I should just keep my mouth shut and get along with her since I don't see them that much. We did attend the second event together, but he brought her. He had to spend the entire time taking care of her and standing in the shade because she was hot. My favorite part was when she was trying to seek shade in a 4 foot tall tree. She has hanging onto the branches, looking utterly miserable and exhausted. I was embarassed. Did I mention that my dad lied to my 90 year old grandma and told her he wasn't going? Yeah, because if my grandma came, then WW wouldn't come because she thinks my dad "pays too much attention" to his mom. She's 90 years old and still lives in her own home- I think she deserved a little attention. I was very mad at my dad for that one.

They came over for Christmas last year, right after I found out I was pregnant. That is when I really started to dislike her. I'm not sure if it was when she went on and on about my dad's "cute butt" in front of everyone inlcuding my 2 year old grandson and 10 year old son. Or if it was the fact that she sat on the arm of my couch the whole time so she could hang all over my dad. It was probably a combination of everything, but I really did not like that woman when she left.

At my stepdaughter's wedding she made my dad leave early because she was pissed he was talking to my mom. My parents have been divored for more than 25 years. I guarantee there are no sparks there.

The morning of Brenna's funeral I kept telling everyone that WW better not come. I didn't think I could be nice to her if she started her crap. She didn't come. In fact, to this day she has never said one word about anything I have went through. No "Good to see you" "How are you feeling" "Sorry" "Screw you". Nothing. That still bothers me.

My dad called me to warn me tell me that he gave her a ring for Christmas. It wasn't exactly an engagement ring, but it was more of a symbol of his intention to marry her. At first she was happy. Then she told him she didn't want it. Then she told him that if they were going to get married he needed to sell his house (?). Back and forth, drama, drama, drama...

Today my dad called me to tell me he was coming alone to celebrate Christmas this weekend. (Yay!) Turns out WW gave him the ring back. She told him that she was pissed he got it on sale. He said he was shocked because she came out of no where with this as they had discussed it a week ago and everything was settled. Then WW grabbed his face and was yelling in his face "Are you gonna cry? Are you sad?". I finally just told my dad how I felt about her. Actually I just said, "I'm sorry dad, but she is a bitch. I'm sick of hearing this. You don't need this". He was very quiet and didn't really say anything. I think maybe I hurt his feelings, because he does still care of her. (Although I can't imagine why.)

My intention was not to hurt my dad. The last time we talked about this I told him that it was the same thing over and over and I was going to tell him what I tell my girlfriends: You have no one to blame but yourself. You know how s/he acts. You know what's going to happen. There is no one to blame but you. If you don't like it then do something about it. Stop complaining to me.

It's so funny because one of my brother's is just like him. (Remember the crazy girlfriend).

Sorry to bore you with all this family drama, but I just had to get it out. It's been driving me INSANE!

WELCOME TO THE WORLD PERSEUS

Please join me in welcoming Antigone's son "Perseus" to the world. Her story is a hard one, but tonight I would say it has a very happy ending. Welcome to the world little boy.

Simba is doing better. The vet said he is responding the way they would hope for. He even ate some food today, which is a step forward. He'll be at the vet's until at least Friday, probably the weekend. Things are looking good for him. Maybe 2009 is going to be a good year after all.