I have not had a good nights sleep all year (get it? That's the extent of the joking for this post). We didn't go out for New Years because we were both exhausted. Would you believe it if I told you that we fell asleep at 8 pm? We did. I woke up at 10 and called to cancel our plans. I was looking forward to going out because last year we stayed in because I was on bed rest due to a subrionic bleed. I thought this year would be our fun year. I was very wrong.
Thursday night I kept waking up, dreaming about my poor cat. Friday the vet called to tell me she though we were just "treading water" and that we would have to discuss our options on Saturday morning. My new boss also called to ask me to start work on Monday. I had to tell her I couldn't start Monday because I'm already committed to work 3 days next week at my old job. (They hadn't given me a start date yet.) So I had to work that out and make phone calls. Needless to say I did not sleep well Friday night. I kept dreaming about the new job, the cat, how this is all going to effect my son... not good. We brought Simba home Saturday and I was syringe feeding him. He slept in the bathroom right by my bed (warmest spot in the house). So all night Saturday night I kept on waking up to check on him. When I did fall asleep I was dreaming about him. That night was a very restless night too.
I am exhausted. I am nervous. Ever since my new boss called I have had this feeling of dread I can not shake. I am feeling very anxious. That is a new feeling for me. I rarely get nervous or anxious about anything. I've been feeling this way for a few days now. I thought I would be excited about the job, but I've found that since loosing the baby I haven't really allowed myself to get excited about anything. Maybe it's a coping thing, I'm not sure. All I know is that instead of the normal excitement I'd expect to feel when given an opportunity like this- all I feel is dread.
To top it all off today marks 10 months since I lost Brenna. It feels like 10 years.