I have to admit that the loss of my child had taken it's toll on my relationship with God. As much as I would like to tell you it has strengthened and never wavered- I am only human and that is not true. I still have faith, but I have caught myself halfheartedly praying because I sometimes don't have much faith in the power of prayer anymore. I know it's because I am a spoiled brat. I have always gotten what I prayed for in the past. My prayers have always been answered. Loosing my child is the first time I can think of that my prayer was not answered. Not in the least. Sometimes I would pray for something, and it wouldn't happen but something else would and it would be immediately clear why I didn't get what I wanted. And His way always ended up being better.
After Brenna was taken from us, I did not (and still don't) see the plan B that He has for me. I still do not see the reason. Is it so that I would learn of the world of baby loss? So that I would write this blog? Because if that is the case, I'm sorry, but I would much rather have never even heard of any of you. Had I not lost my baby, I would never even know deadbabyland existed. I can't imagine that is the reason, but I am still waiting for it.
While I wait I still ask Him to lead me. Last night, I prayed. I prayed that my cat wouldn't suffered. I told God I wanted him to come back to me. I told him that I didn't want to have to make the decision to put him to sleep. I couldn't imagine taking him into the vets office and ending his life. I wanted him to be here, at home. This morning my husband woke up early, and went to Simba. He held him and told him he loved him. And he meant it. He laid him down so he could rest, but something told him to go back to him. He went back and held him some more. As he was petting him, Simba let out a big sigh, put his head down, and breathed his last breath. My husband's sobs woke me up this morning. I went in and petted him, and told him goodbye. While I was petting him I realized that my prayers were answered. Just not the way I wanted them to be: Simba died at home, we didn't have to put him to sleep, he was being loved, and he didn't suffer. Although it isn't want I asked for, it was what I wanted. Which made me think of Brenna. I always wanted a little girl- and I have one.
Sometimes our prayers are answered, and we don't even realize it.