Tuesday, January 20, 2009


It is cold out. I was just in the car and the thermometer read -12. That is cold, friends. Very cold.

It's so cold out that my chihuahua doesn't want to outside. Yesterday he decided to pee on me. Seriously. He lifted his leg and peed right on my leg. I have never had that happen in my life. I do not know what he was thinking. He must be delirious from the cold.

Life has been busy with work, which is good. My husband got laid off today, which is bad. But we'll be OK. It's typical for his line of work. He'll be back in a month or so.

Lately I've been feeling like I've been pushing my feelings onto the back burner. I just don't want to be bogged down with grief again. I don't have time for it. When I feel it welling up, I ignore it. I'm not sure grief is even the right word. I guess it's just my feelings in general. I haven't taken the time to process them. I'm sure that can't be good for my mental health.

I had a horrible dream about babies two nights ago. I dreamt that we had a baby girl, but something was wrong with her. No matter what we did, she kept getting sicker, and he health was getting worse. But I loved her to death, and I didn't realize that there was anything wrong with her because I loved her so much. I'm not sure why it was so disturbing to me. I couldn't sleep after that.

I don't really know where I stand on the whole baby making front. Part of me desperatly wants a baby. But part of me feels like our life is so good right now, I'm afraid to mess with it. What if things don't turn out the way I want, will I be able to handle that? Will my family be able to handle that? There are just so many unknowns, and I guess, when it comes down to it, I am afraid. I'll admit it. I am afraid of what the future would hold for us if we go down the baby path.

I'm also afraid that even if we do have another baby, I will always have this nagging feeling that something (or someone) is missing. I don't think another baby would fix that.

1 comment:

Mrs. Mother said...

I know how you feel about the baby-making thing. Tessa is almost six years old. We've left those baby years behind, and I'm a little scared to go back to them. But, I'm also scared that if we don't at least try to conceive again, I'll always feel like I didn't do enough.

I know you read my blog post and know what we are going to do. This way, at least, I'll felt like I tried for a while, and I'll know it just wasn't meant to be, as much as I hate that phrase.