I sort of got bashed by another blogger commenter because of my views on miscarriage and stillbirth. I talked about this back in May and June, when another blogger helped shine some light on the subject for me. At the time my loss was fresh, and I had not gotten the certificate of stillbirth from the doctor yet. At that time I thought my loss was a "late term miscarriage". The term made my skin crawl, still does.
I know any loss is tragic. I get that. A first trimester baby is just as wanted and loved as a third trimester baby. I know that. But the fact of the matter is that I can't help but feel that I had it kind of easy as far as stillbirths go. I wasn't near my due date so I didn't have a nursery all set up waiting. My baby was delivered during surgery so I didn't have to physically birth her, or go through labor all the while knowing I was carrying a dead child. Does that make my loss any less painful? No. Does it make it easier to handle emotionally? Yes, I think it does. I had baby things at home, which was hard enough to come home to. But I did not have an entire nursery and all the cutesy little baby items waiting for me when I walked through the door empty handed. I can not imagine what that is like. I did not find out my baby was dead and have to walk around with her in my body, and decide how I was going to go about getting her out. Again, that is unimaginable to me.
I love Brenna. I wanted that baby with every fiber of my soul. I also have an 11 year old son. I can tell you that if anything ever happened to him it would be 10 million times harder than loosing Brenna. Not because I'm a heartless person who chooses one child over the other, but because I have spent the last 11 years of my life with my son. I know everything about him. We are bonded. If he was not here my life would change drastically. Unfortunately, I never got to know Brenna outside my womb. I carried her with me, but she was not a physical part of my day to day life. I only had her with me for a short time. After her loss, life quickly returned to normal. That does not mean I wasn't heartbroken- because I was (still am).
I guess what I'm saying is I'm just being realistic. I am only being honest when I tell you that I know in my heart there are people who've suffered losses far worse than mine. That does not mean I don't hurt because I do. All it means is that I am able to put myself in other people's shoes, and I understand that it's all a matter of perspective. My loss is horrible to me because it's the worst thing I've ever experienced. Just as someone's miscarriage is horrible to them because it's their worst experience. (Thanks CLC for that insite!)