Friday, January 30, 2009


This is a follow up to this post. Kristi made some very good comments, and I've been thinking about them. (I also want to thank Kristi for leaving me that comment. I don't want anyone to ever feel afraid to comment on something if they disagree with me. I welcome everyone's comments. I am not easily offended. It also helps me to sort our my thoughts if someone offers a different opinion. )

I totally understand what she is saying. I guess it doesn't make sense. I just know that for me, it seems so much easier because I didn't have to labor and birth her. If I had, I know that I would have been in a much worse place emotionally. I know I would have. I did not have to make any tough decisions- they were all made for me. That made the process easier, for me. Maybe not for everyone. But for me, because there were never any "what if's" for me. The decisions were all made. I never had to second guess myself. It was easier to move forward.

It does bother me that someone who looses a baby at 14 weeks is said to have suffered a miscarriage, while someone who looses a baby at 20 is said to have a stillbirth. Why is there a difference? I also think that as a society we look at stillbirths as far more devastating then miscarriages. It's socially acceptable to take time off from work after a stillbirth, but not after a miscarriage. It's OK to name your stillborn baby, but people get kind of squeamish if you name a baby that was miscarried in the first trimester. I don't think it's right or fair.

When I wrote my previous post I hope I didn't make anyone thing that I was minimizing their loss. That was not my intention. All I was saying is that for me I know that I had an easier time dealing with my loss because of the reasons I stated. Had things been different, I would have been different. If I had to be induced and go into labor and give birth to a dead child you bet your butt I would have been in a much worse place emotionally. That is a given. One does not expereince that unscathed. I feel that I had it easier (so to speak) because I did not have to go through that process. It has nothing to do with gestational age. It's more to do with my experience. While I understand, and appreciate, what many of you have said, I still feel that my experience was not as horrible as it could have been. (There's the optomist in me!) I've heard much worse stories. I guess that goes back to when the bible says, "God will never give you more than you can handle". My loss was all I could handle.


Kristi said...

I think you underestimate yourself, Holli. I'm glad that you are at peace with not having to make decisions while I'm at peace with having to have made some hard ones. I think I would have a harder time dealing with what you went through because I'm such a control freak. God knowing what we can best handle in even the really yucky situations, that's something to be grateful for isn't it!

Anonymous said...

hey Holli,
I gotta say, you are right on with this whole thing. I have had an early m/c at 6.5 weeks and then my loss last year at 18wks. Having to induced, push out the baby like I did my livign son only to not get to take that baby home was waaay more traumatizing than the 1st tri loss. It's not that the earlier loss wasn't so upsetting because it was, but there is a huge difference between the trauma factor of the 2. Sorry if this upsets anyone, but it's my reality. If someone has had a 1st tri loss and nothing else, then I think for that person it is the worst thing they have dealt with from a loss standpoint. Hopefully there will never be a later loss to compare it to. Also, during my grieving, I can objectively say that it could be worse. How? A later term loss. Stillbirth at fullterm. I can't imagine how much worse that would be. My baby was 6 inches and 1/2 pound. What about those that lose their 40 weekers, who come out looking like the most perfect little infant? That would be worse, in my opinion, than what I have had to live through.

It's truly not about making anyone's loss out to be less or more than anyone else's, it's just that the longer you have that little one with you, the harder it is to say goodbye.

Just my 2cents.