Tuesday, April 29, 2008

5 months well spent

I had an epiphany a few days ago, but it has taken some time for me to write.

Sunday morning, while I was feeling sorry for myself and thinking, "I only got to have my baby with me for five months..." blah, blah, blah. It hit me. I should feel privileged that I was chosen by God to give this precious girl life for five whole months. Instead of being mad my family didn't get to know her, I should be glad that I was able to know her the way I did. God chose me. He could have given her to anyone, but he gave her to me. Although I would have like to keep her here longer, that was not the plan. I got to know her better than anyone else in this world and I feel privileged. I am so glad that I was chosen to be her mother. I am so glad that I was chosen. I don't feel that I even deserved to have her, or know her. But God chose me! Instead of being mad, I'm thankful! She is a great gift, and touched my life in ways I never knew possible.

It feels so good to let my anger go. Instead, I have embraced the fact that I was chosen to spend those entire five months with her. Although it was much shorter that I anticipated, it was five months I will cherish forever. It was a privledge, and I'd do it again.

That doesn't mean I don't ask why. I want to know why did my baby have to have such a short life! But, that doesn't mean I'm not greatful for the life she did have. I trusted God with her life, and was never one of those mothers who worried about everything. I really felt everything was going to be ok. It didn't turn out like I thought it would. I never anticipated her leaving so soon. But, I would never give back those five months I got to spend with her. Feeling her move inside me. Loving her. Growing her.

Five months well spent.


Mom to 2 boys +? said...

I am so glad you had this epiphany - I think it's a huge step in the healing process! I had a similar one and while it didn't take the pain away, it left some comfort and filled some of the emptiness. I'm sorry you were chosen, but I am so happy that you had 5 wonderful months with Brenna!

Rebecca said...

I have so many things to say to you! I found your blog when you left a comment on Angie's and it sounded like something I would have written word for word. Since I started here, I have had to ration my time with you because what you say is still so fresh to me. It's hard to read all at once. All I can say is every post I am like, "Yes! That's exactly how I feel!" And it brings me comfort to know others are on this same journey as me - and making it. I'm still in the middle of your story somewhere, but snuck and read the new post today. Looking forward to reading more...