Babies On My Mind

Today I had a check up with the doctor. Of course we talked about when/if I can have another baby. I'm scarred to death to have another, but at the same time I'm scarred to death not to. I read on another blog a mother described feeling "one short" when it came to her children. That is exactly how I feel. When hanging pictures over the weekend I felt like I was doing something wrong when I didn't have Brenna's. I felt like something was missing. I think I will always feel that way, and the thought of having that nagging feeling in the back of my mind for the rest of my life is horrible. I can't say I want to replace her by having another baby, but I truely feel in my heart I was supposed to have another child. I don't want to look back 10 years from now and hate myself for not trying to have another baby. The doctor said it was very risky, and if I was his daughter he'd tell me not to do it, but it's not out of the question. What happened to me was so rare none of the doctors at the hosptial has ever seen it or even read/heard of it. Basically, I almost had an ectopic pregnancy, but the baby implanted just outside the fallopian tube. That part of the uterus isn't very strong or "elastic" (for lack of a better word) and it stretched until it broke. My doctor (who I love by the way) told me that there is no guarantee that implantation won't happen there again. He said I would be very high risk, but it's not out of the question. I can't imagine going through this again, or putting my family through it either. Someone suggested surrogacy, and I am totally open to the idea, but how do you ask someone to carry your child? I can't even ask someone to help me when I'm recovering from surgery, how can I ask them something like this!?! It's so frustrating when you have all the "ingredients" (egg, sperm) to make a baby but nothing to "cook" it in (uterus)! Why did this have to happen to me? I ask myself this all the time. I hope one day I'm holding my precious little baby, and then I know the answer.