Wednesday, April 2, 2008

It's been Four long weeks

It seems like just the other day I lost my baby. I can't believe it's been four weeks since she left. I sometimes wonder if she had been born now would she have had a chance to survive? Is a baby "viable" at 24 weeks? I'm sure her chances would have been better, not great, but a chance compared to 20 weeks. If you're born at 20 weeks your only option is to die.

During these past weeks I've (obviously) thought about my baby every day. I've cried and wondered why did this happen. I've wondered it I did somthing that I was being punished for. Was this my punishment for secretly hoping I could get pregnant even when the doctor said I wouldn't? Was this my punishment for having my doubts when I found out I was pregnant? Was this my punishment because I was disappointed I couldn't drink at Jenna's wedding? I don't think so. I don't think God kills babies to punish the mother. Although, it feels worse than any punishment I could imagine.

The things that just kills me is I always trusted him. I wasn't one of those moms who worried about every little thing. I would read other mother's posts on BabyCenter and think they were going to give themselves heart attacks they way they worried over every little thing. I wasn't one of those moms. Even when my quad test came back with some high results I didn't panic, I trusted Him. Then why take my baby, God? I put her in your hands and you took her from me. I don't think I will ever understand why you did that to me! I know she's better off in heaven, but I'm selfish and I wanted more time with her. I wanted to watch her grow up, and I wanted to really get to know her. I wanted my husband, and children, and family to know her and love her like I did. No one else got to feel her move, no one else got to know her like I did and, yeah, I'm ticked about it. I had plans for her, and they will never come to be. I don't know why it happened. I don't know what the reason is, but I just wish you'd show me. Maybe then I'd stop being mad at you. I still love you, and trust you, but that doesn't mean I like what you did.

Four weeks may seem like a long time, but it's not enought time to heal. It's better, and maybe this is the best it will ever be. I can live with that. I haven't cried in a few days and I feel a little guilty because maybe I'm not sad enough. I don't know why I'm not a total basketcase. That's just not me. I'm not one to fall apart. I had a friend (who ment well) tell me that it just hasn't hit me yet. Yeah, it has. I held my dead baby and saw her in her coffin. Yeah, it's hit me. But, I just deal with things differently. I don't go nuts crying. I prefer to cry when no on is around. I haven't done that in awhile, though.

Tomarrow is my son's birthday. Saturday will be one month since we lost Brenna. I don't know if anyone else will remember. I'm not even sure my husband will. He never talks about her, he hasn't even said her name since she was born. We talk about what happened to me, but never about the baby. I bring her up and talk about her and he listens, but never says anything about her. I think he's just trying to cope and be strong for me. He tends to be more emotional for me.

Uh! This is hard. I never, ever though I would be remembering the anniversary of my baby's death.


Kristi said...

(((hugs))) Holli, It's so normal to have the ups and downs. God knows the difference between your downs and totally turning away from Him. We each grieve differently though and to have anyone tell you you're not doing it right or in the right time, that's not fair. Continue to lean on your support system and we'll all hold you up. (((hugs)))

Robyn said...

Holli, I really don't know what to say, but I have kind of been through this, I lost a baby between Beca and Tasha, I lost it before it was big enough to be considered "a baby" but I felt it move and heard the heart beat. I think I am the only one who remembers him. He would have be 20 this october. I wish everyone around me could have felt him move, and heard his heartbeat....he was very much a baby but because I had a "miscarriage" I was told it was meant to be. It doesn't make the hurt go away. I still remember his birthday every October. It does get easier, I know it is hard to believe now but it will. remember I love you guys and I will always think of you!!!!!!!!!

Love Robyn