Saturday, April 12, 2008

Life is Good

I'll stand back up. Those words from the Sugarland (written on the right here) really hit home today. I have actually been feeling normal again. Sure, I think of my baby everyday, and she is always on my mind, but so are my other kids. That is because I love them. That's because I'm a mom.

For the most part, I have been feeling pretty good. Part of me feels extremely guilty for that. I feel like I should be grieving, but I'm not that kind of person. I don't dwell on things. I'm a roll-with-the-punches kind of person. I actually walked by the baby section at the store the other day and didn't feel like dying. That was big for me. Just a few weeks ago I couldn't even look in the direction of that section. Babies still bother me a bit, girls more than boys. I still notice pregnant ladies, but I don't want to dig their eyes out anymore so that's a plus! :)

Someone on babycenter recently said, "I can get on with my life without another baby...but there will always be this hole that can only be filled by one thing." That is exactly how I feel. I'm getting on with my life. I actually beginning to enjoy life again, but there is a hole that will always be there. Hanging pictures of the kids over the weekend I thought, 'I should hang one of Brenna, too' and I felt cheated. The other day I caught myself saying I have two kids, when I know in my heart I have three. When I was at the doctors the nurse asked how my baby was, and I said, "I don't have a baby" and I felt like I was lying. I do have a baby, she's just not here.

While I was in the hospital I was laying there thinking to myself, 'Why did this happen. What am I supposed to learn from this?' I knew I had to find the lesson in it all. I kept thinking, 'How can I make the good come out of this'. I still don't have the answer to that, but I hope that I will find it. I truely believe that everything happens for a reason. For the life of me I don't know why this happened, but I think I just need time, and one day I will realize why. I am determined to learn that lesson. If I don't my baby will have died in vain, and I won't let that happen.

1 comment:

Mom to 2 boys +? said...

I am so happy that the light has started to shine on you again. I think Brenna would be happy that you are starting to live again. You are right, there is good that can come out of this, you just have to find it!