Sunday, April 20, 2008

Long Talks

So yesterday my husband and I had a heart to heart. It was the first time we really talked about the baby and how I was feeling. I told him that I actually think I'm handling things really well, but I still have my bad days and he needs to be patient with me. I explained to him that seeing pregnant women or babies didn't bother me so much anymore, but it was really hard in the beginning. I told him that I'm leery of going to events because people don't know what to say to me, so many times they just stare at me and it makes me crazy. I told him that I'm jealous of people that I know who have kids and don't deserve them, and that I wonder why they get their babies, and I can't have mine. He said that he thinks I'm doing good, but that friends have told him it's going to be harder on me than it is on him so he should be extra good to me (and he has been). I told him the other night when we got into it and I was so pissy was for one I was just having a bad day, and because we were going to my sons boy scout meeting and I knew I was going to have to see those people for the first time, and I just didn't want to deal with it that day. He didn't realize that and I probably should have told him. It's just so hard for me to admit when I'm having those bad days. He told me how horrible it was for him when I was having my surgery. They had to ask his permission to deliver the baby if necessary, and he didn't want to do it. He knew I would never want that. My doctor (who is awesome) said to him, "There's no baby without your wife" and basically told him I was going to die. He said it was such a hard decision to make. In the end, he didn't have to make it. Her heart stopped beating while the doctor was out talking to him. I thank God that my husband doesn't have to carry that guilt. When his mother died he had to decide to stop care and just let her go and it was a horrific time in our lives. I would never want him to feel like he murdered our child. He said he dreaded having to tell me, and was just a basketcase. I know how hard it was to tell my son, so I know what he was going through. It was good to talk to him about everything. He really doesn't talk about her. I think he doesn't want to upset me, so just let's me bring it up. We are learning to communicate much better through all this.

On a brighter note, I am going one day this week to get Brenna's footprints tattooed on my foot. At least I think I'm going to put it on my foot. It's so tiny, I'm going to have to see how it's going to look. If not my foot, I'll put it somewhere else. I'll post a picture as soon as I get it done.

I wish you all a peaceful week.

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