Remember when I said that babies and pregnant women don't bother me. Scratch that. They drive me crazy, and I am extremely jealous of them.
I don't know why, but for some reason thursday is my "bad" day. It's the day that I end up breaking down. Yesterday was thursday and it sucked, just like last thursday. I went grocery shopping and of course first thing I see in the parking lot is the really dirty man pushing a baby in the cart. I was jealous. I kept on doing my shopping, but I swear that dirty man was following me. He just wasn't a guy who was dirty from work, he was seriously unkept. I started to get so pissed because that dirty man got to have a baby and I didn't. Then it got worse when I saw his wife/girlfriend and she was obviously pregnant again! Oh yes, they have one who was not more than 6 months and she was a very tiny lady who was very much pregnant. I wanted to throw up. I don't know where this hateful person has come from. I have NEVER been this way in my entire life. I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't like it, and I want it to stop.
Today my mother and I went rummage sale-ing. I was really excited to go because I haven't been in so long. It did not even occur to me that almost every sale would have baby items. I mean almost every one. Nor did it occur to me that amost every shopper would either be pregnant or pushing a stroller. It was just heartbreaking. I put on a happy face, and found some good deals, but really all I was thinking is I should be shopping for my baby girl right now. I made me so mad. At myself, at God, at life. I'm just mad! I'm not that kind of person. In real life I'm fun, I laugh ALL THE TIME, I enjoy life. But lately I go through the motions, I might even enjoy myself, but I always end up feeling mad in the end. It's so frusterating to me because I'm not that type of person, and I don't know how to deal with these feelings. I'm sure it's all part of "the process" but I wish it didn't take so long. I want to be normal again.