Monday, April 7, 2008

A month already

It was one month yesterday. The day wasn't as horrible as I thought it was going to be. I tried to stay busy. My husband bought me roses which is a rare occurance. The strange thing is we didn't talk about it being one month. My husband hardly ever talks about what happened and never talks about the baby. He still hasn't said her name and I'm beginning to think he never will.

I finally put her memory box away. For those of you lucky enough not to know, when your baby dies the hospital gives you a box to put stuff in and they call it a memory box. I couldn't bring myself to put it away yet. Today I did. That small thing felt like a victory.

Today I had to go to a birthday party. I was doing find until this lady came in with her baby girl. Of course they had to sit by us. I could barely look at that baby, let alone talk to the mother. I was so jealous of her I wanted to jump across the table and hit her. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for everyone who has a baby, and I don't want to seem like I hate people who have children, because I don't. I'm just so jealous that I don't get to have my baby and they do that it sometimes makes me crazy. Luckily they didn't stay long and were gone after a few minutes. I was so happy because I was looking for a reason to get out of there so I didn't have to look at that adorable baby anymore.

My husband's family reunion is scheduled for my due date. I remember we were talking about wanting to go but not being able to make reservations because we didn't know if the baby would be here yet or not. The other day my husband wanted to know if I made reservations yet, and I told him no. I didn't tell him it's because I can't imagine that I'm going to be feeling very festive at that time. I had planned on showing off my new baby. Instead it will be the first time we will see most of them, and I don't want to have to keep going over it again and again. The worst part is every year they record the births, deaths, and marriages. I can't bear the thought that my baby is going to be on the birth and death page. It just seems so unfair.


Kristi said...

(((hugs))) Holli, I sent an ecard for yesterday but I bet it went to your junk folder. I didn't want you to think that I forgot about you guys though. Please know that I was thinking of you and Brenna nearly all day. I'm sorry your husband hasn't said Brenna's name or talked about her. It's tough for the guys. If he won't talk to you do you think he would write you a letter? I know it sounds weird but he might be able to put his feelings down on paper. We talk about Eli but my husband really wants to focus more on the future. He does say his name and he does look at his photos and he did dog-ear pages in our grief books. (((hugs))) Holli.

Kristi said...

I re-read my comment above and I don't think it came out "right". I was trying to say that everyone (as you know) grieves differently. My husband can't talk to me too much (it's still raw for him)so he lets me know that he's thinking of Eli in different ways. We wrote letters to eachother when we had our first loss which was also a 2nd tri. loss. I'm also assuming that your husband is also worked up about YOU. He came close to losing you AND Brenna. Maybe he's along the mind frame that he's "glad" it was her and not you. Just a little something extra to think about. I know the look on my husband's face when I passed out that morning from blood loss was sheer terror... much different than the emotions he had "worn" during any of our losses. Big hugs to you and I hope this week treats you kindly.