Tuesday, April 8, 2008

I hate my body

I hate my body. A lot of women look in the mirror and say that because they don't like their fat thighs or saggy boobs. I say that because my body didn't keep my baby alive. My body and I have been having a battle lately. It's been more than a month since my surgery and I still have pain. I expected to be feeling much better now, and I'm not, and I hate my body for it. It's a very strange to want to do something, and you body won't let you do it. I feel as though my body betrayed me at the most important time. When I needed it the most it let me down. Another life was depending on me to keep it alive, and my body just wouldn't do it. Instead it broke open, almost killed me, and made it impossible for my little one to survive. I often think why couldn't this have happend just a few weeks later, when my baby had a fighting chance. Why couldn't my stupid body have held out for just a little longer? I did everything right during my pregnancy: ate all the right foods, no caffeine, lots of sleep, no sex for three months (dr.'s orders). You name it. My son was a very healthy baby getting a 9.9 out of 10 on his one minute apgar. But my body was 11 years younger then. We got along then. I didn't hate it then. I hate it now. I especially hate it because chances are my body has made it impossible for me to carry another child. My body won't allow me to become a mother again, and I really hate it for that. Maybe one day I will make peace with it, but for now, I really hate my body.

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