Monday, April 14, 2008

Today Sucked

First off I went to see my preschool kids at my friends daycare. They were excited to see me, and I was excited to see them. I haven't seen most of them since this all happened. Then one of the little girls asked me if I had a boy baby or a girl baby. Shoot me now! Am I going to have to lie to this little girl to save her the pain of knowing I have a dead baby? Luckily, I told her I had a girl and she just smiled and said, "Good, that's what I wanted you to have". Yeah, me too.

Then I had to go to a meeting. I live in a pretty small town, and everyone knows everyone's business. I caught tons of people starring at me throughout the night. I know they wanted to say something, but didn't know what to say or how to bring it up. It still made me feel very uncomfortable.

Then the topper of the day was when I got home. My 11 year old son was going to bed and I could hear him crying. I went in to ask him what was wrong and he says to me, "I heard you swear". I said to him, "Your crying because I swore? I'll stop if it makes you THAT upset!" Then he told me it wasn't that I swore that bothered him, "Remember everytime you swear a dollar was supposed to go into Brenna's college fund". (This was a running family joke while I was pregnant) It seriously broke my heart. For two reasons, one being the obvious- he really took that to heart and had made plans for his little sister and was now realizing that they would never happen. Also, that is the first time he's said her name. Ever. It was just so awful.

I'm beginning to wonder if I am actually doing ok, or if I'm just in denial. I don't cry anymore. At all. Maybe I can squeeze out a tear, but it takes a lot to get it out. Grieving mothers are supposed to cry! Why can't I?

This is all more than I can take right now. I'm beginning to think I need a serious vacation. (Isn't that called running away from your problems?)


Slice of Paradise said...

I'm so sorry ... I think sometimes it's even harder on the kids when a baby dies because they really can't wrap their heads around the situation. There is no fair and it makes no sense ~ kids should never have to learn that life is so unfair.
Praying your kiddos are able to find peace with everything, I can't imagine how hard it is to get through this yourself & to help them also.
(my3girls on SG)

Lissa Lane said...

It's ok to not cry! I promise! You are very likely in the numb phase. From the day my daughter died. I did not cry again for about 6-7 months. Now here I am 9 months into it and I'm a mess. Your mind is trying to make things easier on you at the moment and numbness is a built in defense system so you don't shut completely down.

Brooke said...

Sometimes I find it really hard to cry as well. i think it is all a normal part of this roller coaster we are all on.