Over the last few weeks I've been suprised by the number of people who have experienced the loss of a baby. Just today I found out someone who I've known for the past few years, and who I would consider a friend lost a baby right around the same age as my baby was when she died. There have been several people who told us they lost babies and we had no idea.
I think out of all the people in my life, unfortunately, my stepdaughter most understands how I feel. She lost her mother in an accident when she was 9 years old. Today she is 22, married and has her own child. I think that the bond between mother and child is amazing, and when one of those parts is lost, the pain is unimaginable. You don't expect to outlive your children, there is something unnatural about it. But you also don't expect to lose your parent when you are a young child. I'm not sure which is worse. We are a lot alike. Neither of us is a very emotional person, and we're not big on crying. But that doesn't mean we don't have feelings. The thing I appreciate most about her is that I don't have to tell her how I'm feeling, she already knows. She let's me know she's there if I need her and that's it. I know she's there, but I don't have to talk and explain how I'm feeling or why I'm feeling it. She knows what it's like to have that bond broken. She understands my grief. The funny thing is, it's made our bond stronger. I've always loved her, but I've rarely said it to her. I find myself telling her I love her more often these days.
I've never told anyone this, but right before I went in for surgery I was really scarred. I started thinking of my kids. I remember thinking, "I'm not going to die, God won't take another mom away from J", and I just knew I was going to be alright. And I was, and I will be.