Thursday, May 1, 2008

Other People Love Her

My mom works at a large department store. Her job is in the "cash office" passing out money and stuff like that. Today she told me that she was alone the other day and there was no one to wrap the gifts a customer brought back to customer service. She had to do it. She told me how it really bothered her because they were all baby girl presents. I realized for the first time that she understands me more than I thought. I have a terrible time with baby girl stuff, and baby girls in general. I desperately wanted a baby girl, and knew right from the beginning I was having a girl. I had all pink picked out for everything. I was so excited. I hadn't had my 20 week ultrasound yet, but I knew it was a girl. I wish I wasn't right. My mom was so excited about having a granddaughter. She had bought a bunch of baby girl things, and was looking for even more. I had bought a bunch of girl cloths too. It was the happiest time of my life. When I was pregnant with my son 11 years ago my husband and I weren't married, I was only 19, and we didn't have a lot of money. This time I was able to buy whatever I wanted and planned on having my "dream nursery"! (Sigh) I knew I was having a girl, but I wish I was wrong. Maybe I wouldn't be in so much pain if I hadn't lost the girl I always dreamed of. Maybe it would be easier if it was a boy because I already have a son. I doubt it.

So, after my mom told me that story it really hit home. She understand me more than I thought. I sometimes become so wrapped up in my grief that I don't realize other people miss her and love her too. Other people had dreams for her. Other people's lives were affected by her. My mom and my sister are the only people besides my husband and myself who got to see and hold her. The four of us hold that special bond. I'm glad my sister was there, and I'm glad my mother got that closure she needed by holding her grandbaby. I regret not getting any pictures of them together. But I was so out of it, they actually went to see her before I saw her. I actually feel terrible for my mother. Part of me feels like I let her down, but I know that's irrational. I just feel incredibly bad for her.

I wish I could have given her that baby.


Mom to 2 boys +? said...

Holli - I know you know this, but a lot of your mom's pain is for you too. When she sees the baby stuff, she not only grieves for Brenna, but for your heartache too. It is nice to know that we aren't the only ones who miss our precious angels. You are so blessed to have a wonderful caring mother!

Holli said...


It was Kristi who said to me that she couldn't imagine having to watch her child go through the pain of loosing a child. My step-daughter is 22. If this happened to her I think the pain would be even worse for me, not only because I would mourn the loss of the baby, but because I would hurt for her too. When things happen to your children, they feel as if they happen to you too. I feel bad for my mom because for me it's acceptable to be sad for awhile, but NO ONE expects grandparents to grieve. It amazes me how many people think you should be "over it" in a few weeks.


CLC said...

It's nice that you have such a wonderful Mom. It's also nice to know that other people miss Brenna besides you. She mattered to many people and she is surely in more people's thoughts than you know.