My mom works at a large department store. Her job is in the "cash office" passing out money and stuff like that. Today she told me that she was alone the other day and there was no one to wrap the gifts a customer brought back to customer service. She had to do it. She told me how it really bothered her because they were all baby girl presents. I realized for the first time that she understands me more than I thought. I have a terrible time with baby girl stuff, and baby girls in general. I desperately wanted a baby girl, and knew right from the beginning I was having a girl. I had all pink picked out for everything. I was so excited. I hadn't had my 20 week ultrasound yet, but I knew it was a girl. I wish I wasn't right. My mom was so excited about having a granddaughter. She had bought a bunch of baby girl things, and was looking for even more. I had bought a bunch of girl cloths too. It was the happiest time of my life. When I was pregnant with my son 11 years ago my husband and I weren't married, I was only 19, and we didn't have a lot of money. This time I was able to buy whatever I wanted and planned on having my "dream nursery"! (Sigh) I knew I was having a girl, but I wish I was wrong. Maybe I wouldn't be in so much pain if I hadn't lost the girl I always dreamed of. Maybe it would be easier if it was a boy because I already have a son. I doubt it.
So, after my mom told me that story it really hit home. She understand me more than I thought. I sometimes become so wrapped up in my grief that I don't realize other people miss her and love her too. Other people had dreams for her. Other people's lives were affected by her. My mom and my sister are the only people besides my husband and myself who got to see and hold her. The four of us hold that special bond. I'm glad my sister was there, and I'm glad my mother got that closure she needed by holding her grandbaby. I regret not getting any pictures of them together. But I was so out of it, they actually went to see her before I saw her. I actually feel terrible for my mother. Part of me feels like I let her down, but I know that's irrational. I just feel incredibly bad for her.
I wish I could have given her that baby.