Thursday, April 17, 2008

Crappy Day #2

Well, I think my dry spell is over. I couldn't stop crying today. That is so unlike me. I went to lunch with my mom, and we laughed and had a good time. Then I did a little shopping. On the way home the radio was having a "radio-a-thon" to raise money for the what turned out to be the Hospital I had my baby at. In between the songs people would tell their story. I didn't realize what it was a first, but after a few minutes I heard the hospital's name and then some lady talking about her premature baby and I just lost it. Besides that aunt flo is on her way. I haven't had her come since I had the baby, so I'm sure it's going to be quite spectacular.

My husband got pissed at me because I lost my temper (for no reason). Sometimes I feel like he expectes me to be back to normal. Just because I don't cry everyday doesn't mean I'm not sad. He has lost poeple close to him before, he should know what I'm going through (at least on some level). But, I have to remind myself he didn't know Brenna like I did. He didn't get a chance to feel her move, or worry about taking care of her the way I did. She wasn't as "real" to him as she was to me. I kind of feel like my family was gyped because they didn't get to really know her.

Today at lunch my mom told me how she bought an album for Brenna's pictures and it has 32 pages. She didn't have enough pictures to fill up the pages and caught herself thinking 'Oh, I'll have to take a few more to fill it up'. I felt so bad for her. I think it was the first time I realized that other people think about her and miss her too. My mom is mourning the loss of her granddaughter. I'm not the only one hurting. I really need to remember that. Just because no one knew her like I did, doesn't mean they didn't love her. Knowing that she is loved makes me feel good.


Brooke said...

It was a photo album that did me in, right there in the middle of the store. I realised I would never have enough photos to fill a standard photo album and I just lost it.
(((hugs to you)))

Kristi said...

Awww Holli, It's all part of the process and the only thing you can do is "ride the wave".

What you said about your mom is so true and I realized it when I had my first loss... not only is you mom grieving the loss of Brenna, (as a mother) she's shouldering the hurt that you're feeling as well. I know many people get upset with their parents but when I tried to put myself in my mom's position it was a pretty bad place too - nothing about this could be categorized as "easy". I guess I just think about the kind of hurt that I would be enduring in 20 years to watch one of my children go through this, and it breaks my heart just as much as going through it myself. I'm glad to see that you recognize the situation that your mom is in too. (((Hugs)))