Tuesday, April 29, 2008

5 months well spent

I had an epiphany a few days ago, but it has taken some time for me to write.

Sunday morning, while I was feeling sorry for myself and thinking, "I only got to have my baby with me for five months..." blah, blah, blah. It hit me. I should feel privileged that I was chosen by God to give this precious girl life for five whole months. Instead of being mad my family didn't get to know her, I should be glad that I was able to know her the way I did. God chose me. He could have given her to anyone, but he gave her to me. Although I would have like to keep her here longer, that was not the plan. I got to know her better than anyone else in this world and I feel privileged. I am so glad that I was chosen to be her mother. I am so glad that I was chosen. I don't feel that I even deserved to have her, or know her. But God chose me! Instead of being mad, I'm thankful! She is a great gift, and touched my life in ways I never knew possible.

It feels so good to let my anger go. Instead, I have embraced the fact that I was chosen to spend those entire five months with her. Although it was much shorter that I anticipated, it was five months I will cherish forever. It was a privledge, and I'd do it again.

That doesn't mean I don't ask why. I want to know why did my baby have to have such a short life! But, that doesn't mean I'm not greatful for the life she did have. I trusted God with her life, and was never one of those mothers who worried about everything. I really felt everything was going to be ok. It didn't turn out like I thought it would. I never anticipated her leaving so soon. But, I would never give back those five months I got to spend with her. Feeling her move inside me. Loving her. Growing her.

Five months well spent.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Sad Reminders

The week before my baby died my step-daughter got married. I remember thinking how funny it was going to be when my baby was older and we could show her the pictures of her sister's wedding and she could see I was pregnant with her. I thought it was kind of funny we were marrying one off, and growing a new one at the same time. Now I can barely bring myself to even look at the pictures from her wedding. It really bothers me because we looked forward to planning her wedding, and we were so excited she was getting married to a great guy. The pictures from her wedding are the last pictures I have of myself pregnant. Now, I feel like they are tainted. They are a constant reminder of what I don't have. I feel think these pictures are the pictures of the "old me". She is someone I don't even know anymore.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Thursdays Suck

Remember when I said that babies and pregnant women don't bother me. Scratch that. They drive me crazy, and I am extremely jealous of them.

I don't know why, but for some reason thursday is my "bad" day. It's the day that I end up breaking down. Yesterday was thursday and it sucked, just like last thursday. I went grocery shopping and of course first thing I see in the parking lot is the really dirty man pushing a baby in the cart. I was jealous. I kept on doing my shopping, but I swear that dirty man was following me. He just wasn't a guy who was dirty from work, he was seriously unkept. I started to get so pissed because that dirty man got to have a baby and I didn't. Then it got worse when I saw his wife/girlfriend and she was obviously pregnant again! Oh yes, they have one who was not more than 6 months and she was a very tiny lady who was very much pregnant. I wanted to throw up. I don't know where this hateful person has come from. I have NEVER been this way in my entire life. I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't like it, and I want it to stop.

Today my mother and I went rummage sale-ing. I was really excited to go because I haven't been in so long. It did not even occur to me that almost every sale would have baby items. I mean almost every one. Nor did it occur to me that amost every shopper would either be pregnant or pushing a stroller. It was just heartbreaking. I put on a happy face, and found some good deals, but really all I was thinking is I should be shopping for my baby girl right now. I made me so mad. At myself, at God, at life. I'm just mad! I'm not that kind of person. In real life I'm fun, I laugh ALL THE TIME, I enjoy life. But lately I go through the motions, I might even enjoy myself, but I always end up feeling mad in the end. It's so frusterating to me because I'm not that type of person, and I don't know how to deal with these feelings. I'm sure it's all part of "the process" but I wish it didn't take so long. I want to be normal again.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Why I love my sister

I made a huge mistake today. Lately I've been feeling great. Babies and pregnant ladies don't seem to phase me anymore. I can actually look at them without wanting to choke them. So, I took my son to get his pictures taken. Shoot me now. I didn't think about all the babies running around the photo studio. I didn't think about all the pictures of cute, fat babies hanging on the walls. I didn't think about that place making me insane.

At first these was a little girl there, and I didn't think much of it. She was just turning one and in for her one year photos. She was cute enough. Then she started crying. And the lady holding her (who wasn't her mother) started saying, "Your baby is gross. Your baby is____" (Fill in the blank.) She kept on crying and I started thinking, why does this dirty lady with the dirty hair get to have that baby, and I can't have mine? Then I started to feel jealous. I couldn't take my eyes off that baby girl, and I felt sorry for her and mad at her at the same time. Sorry because she had that lady as a mother, but mad at her just for being alive. Why was this baby alive and my baby isn't? I ask myself that 100 times a day. It just seems so unfair to me. Don't get me wrong, everybaby is a blessing, and I would never in a million years wish anything bad to happen to any baby. It just makes me so mad I can't have my baby, and I probably will never have another. I had to force myself to think of something else so that I didn't start crying in the photo studio.

The thing I find the most interesting about this whole experience is how people react when they see me. Some people avoid me. Others say Hi and act like nothing happened, ignoring the topic all together. Only one person has actually walked up to me in the store and told me they are sorry to hear of my loss. One. My friends are getting sick of me talking about the baby, and so I don't talk to them much anymore.

My family talks about the baby all the time. But the person who I appreciate is my sister. I have always been the kind of person to make a joke of everything, and I'm not easily offended. I love my sister because she knows that. When I was feeling down the other day she started telling me how she got her dog spayed and how it was moping around the house. Then she make the crudest joke ever: "She misses her uterus, you're going to have to counsel her. You know what she's going through!" It was sick and wrong. But it make me laugh. Oddly, I wasn't offended. I was actually GLAD that she didn't tip toe around me. I was glad she was treating me as a normal person. The other day we were talking about loosing weight, and I told her I had lost about 20 pounds since I had the baby. I try to claim all the weight was "baby weight". She called me out on it and said, "I hate to tell ya but Brenna didn't weigh 20 pounds!" Again, not the most sensitive thing to say, but totally what I needed to hear. If it's one thing I hate it's pitty. I can't stand it when people tip toe around me because they feel sorry for me and don't know what to say.

I love my sister because she treats me just like she did before. Her younger sister who she likes to make fun of. And that's exactly how I want to be treated.

Monday, April 21, 2008

This bitch has balls!

Shortly after I found out I was pregnant my brother's ex told him she was pregnant. I've never thought very highly of her, but I hoped for the best. From the very beginning I suspected she was faking the pregnancy to keep him around. I told him that and he got offended, so we didn't really talk about her and the "baby" much after that.

Today, that bitch had the nerve to call my brother and tell him their baby died and she had to go to the hospital and deliver it. I immediately felt terrible because I had thought all along that she was faking, and all the old feelings of loosing my baby just 6 weeks ago came flooding back. Then the stories started. She told my brother that she had to leave the high risk hospital she was at to go to the community hospital. She actually told him that they induced her w/ pitocin and then had her mom come pick her up and drive her to the other (smaller) hospital. She also told him that there was still hope because babies born at 16 weeks live all the time (don't we wish?). She then said that when she got to the other hospital they wouldn't admit her there because her doctor doesn't have privileges there, so she was going to deliver at her doctors office. Seriously.

I told my brother she was full of it, and he relayed the message to her. Would you believe this crazy bitch had the nerve to call me and try to convince me she was telling the truth! Knowing I just lost a child less than two months ago! I went ape shit on her and told her exactly what I thought of her. I ended up saying, "I know you are lying because no women giving birth to a dead baby would be sitting on the phone with me while in labor" and that pushed her over the edge. She spent the next two hours sending me text messages. She is totally off her rocker. I thank God that she isn't carrying my niece or nephew because crazy runs in her family.

Can you believe the nerve of this chick? I am still so pissed off by it all. The best part is she never once said anything about the "baby" she just kept telling me she was hurt I called her a liar. Then she got mad and started calling me all kinds of names and other things which were just ridiculous. I don't know where he found her, but he needs to stay away from that one.

So anyway, that was my day. Comforting my brother over a deadbaby that never existed, and laughing over the stupid crap his girlfriend texted me.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Long Talks

So yesterday my husband and I had a heart to heart. It was the first time we really talked about the baby and how I was feeling. I told him that I actually think I'm handling things really well, but I still have my bad days and he needs to be patient with me. I explained to him that seeing pregnant women or babies didn't bother me so much anymore, but it was really hard in the beginning. I told him that I'm leery of going to events because people don't know what to say to me, so many times they just stare at me and it makes me crazy. I told him that I'm jealous of people that I know who have kids and don't deserve them, and that I wonder why they get their babies, and I can't have mine. He said that he thinks I'm doing good, but that friends have told him it's going to be harder on me than it is on him so he should be extra good to me (and he has been). I told him the other night when we got into it and I was so pissy was for one I was just having a bad day, and because we were going to my sons boy scout meeting and I knew I was going to have to see those people for the first time, and I just didn't want to deal with it that day. He didn't realize that and I probably should have told him. It's just so hard for me to admit when I'm having those bad days. He told me how horrible it was for him when I was having my surgery. They had to ask his permission to deliver the baby if necessary, and he didn't want to do it. He knew I would never want that. My doctor (who is awesome) said to him, "There's no baby without your wife" and basically told him I was going to die. He said it was such a hard decision to make. In the end, he didn't have to make it. Her heart stopped beating while the doctor was out talking to him. I thank God that my husband doesn't have to carry that guilt. When his mother died he had to decide to stop care and just let her go and it was a horrific time in our lives. I would never want him to feel like he murdered our child. He said he dreaded having to tell me, and was just a basketcase. I know how hard it was to tell my son, so I know what he was going through. It was good to talk to him about everything. He really doesn't talk about her. I think he doesn't want to upset me, so just let's me bring it up. We are learning to communicate much better through all this.

On a brighter note, I am going one day this week to get Brenna's footprints tattooed on my foot. At least I think I'm going to put it on my foot. It's so tiny, I'm going to have to see how it's going to look. If not my foot, I'll put it somewhere else. I'll post a picture as soon as I get it done.

I wish you all a peaceful week.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Footprints on my heart.

I noticed today that the picture of Brenna's feet that is posted at the top of this blog is gigantic. Her actual feet were only about an inch long. I changed the photo so that they are actual size. She really was tiny, but it was amazing because she had every part she was supposed to.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Crappy Day #2

Well, I think my dry spell is over. I couldn't stop crying today. That is so unlike me. I went to lunch with my mom, and we laughed and had a good time. Then I did a little shopping. On the way home the radio was having a "radio-a-thon" to raise money for the what turned out to be the Hospital I had my baby at. In between the songs people would tell their story. I didn't realize what it was a first, but after a few minutes I heard the hospital's name and then some lady talking about her premature baby and I just lost it. Besides that aunt flo is on her way. I haven't had her come since I had the baby, so I'm sure it's going to be quite spectacular.

My husband got pissed at me because I lost my temper (for no reason). Sometimes I feel like he expectes me to be back to normal. Just because I don't cry everyday doesn't mean I'm not sad. He has lost poeple close to him before, he should know what I'm going through (at least on some level). But, I have to remind myself he didn't know Brenna like I did. He didn't get a chance to feel her move, or worry about taking care of her the way I did. She wasn't as "real" to him as she was to me. I kind of feel like my family was gyped because they didn't get to really know her.

Today at lunch my mom told me how she bought an album for Brenna's pictures and it has 32 pages. She didn't have enough pictures to fill up the pages and caught herself thinking 'Oh, I'll have to take a few more to fill it up'. I felt so bad for her. I think it was the first time I realized that other people think about her and miss her too. My mom is mourning the loss of her granddaughter. I'm not the only one hurting. I really need to remember that. Just because no one knew her like I did, doesn't mean they didn't love her. Knowing that she is loved makes me feel good.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Friends I Wish I Never Met

Over the past six weeks I've met many wonderful people. They have talked with me and comforted me through the toughest time in my life. They have been a shoulder to cry on, and offered advice or just a ear to listen. They have become important to me, and I'm glad I have them. But, truth be told, I wish I never met them. The only reason I have come to know these wonderful women is because they too have lost a child and are looking for healing. If my daughter was still alive I would never had sought them out. I would never have even though about them to be honest with you. I would never have needed them.

Over the past few weeks I've come to know them and think about them often. Although we have never met in person, their words stick with me each day. There is Kristi who lost her baby Eli at 16 weeks. And Brooke who's son Caden was stillborn due to T18. CLC who lost her daughter Hannah due to a cord accident. Julie who lost her baby Kelley at almost the same age I lost Brenna. Abby lost her baby Vivian born at 23 weeks. Christine's baby Lucy was stilborn, and she's pregnant again. Allison lost her baby Dashiell at at 24 weeks while on vacation, on Christmas of all days. The list goes on and on. I find myself thinking of at least one of them each day.

I consider all of you "friends". You understand me better than anyone in my life. You know how I feel and why I'm feeling it. You share your feelings with me, and I share with you. (Something I find very hard to do in real life.) I've come to depend on you for answers. I value each of you very much, and I'm glad I know you; but truth be told, I wish we never met.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

This Made My Day

Today I learned that I can take pictures off from my cell phone and put them onto my computer. That just made my day. We didn't expect for Brenna to be born while I was at the hospital (which was an hour away from home) so we didn't have a camera w/ us. I took like six pictures with my cell phone and then my husband went to get a disposable. The disposable pictures were horrible. I hate even looking at them. They just came out all wrong. It always bothered me that we only had one "good" picture of her. Then I got the pics off my phone and they are awsome. I am so glad I have them. Suprisingly, my cell phone took better pics then the "camera". Thank you Motorola!

These two are my favorites. You can see how tiny she was, but she was perfect.

I really miss her.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Today Sucked

First off I went to see my preschool kids at my friends daycare. They were excited to see me, and I was excited to see them. I haven't seen most of them since this all happened. Then one of the little girls asked me if I had a boy baby or a girl baby. Shoot me now! Am I going to have to lie to this little girl to save her the pain of knowing I have a dead baby? Luckily, I told her I had a girl and she just smiled and said, "Good, that's what I wanted you to have". Yeah, me too.

Then I had to go to a meeting. I live in a pretty small town, and everyone knows everyone's business. I caught tons of people starring at me throughout the night. I know they wanted to say something, but didn't know what to say or how to bring it up. It still made me feel very uncomfortable.

Then the topper of the day was when I got home. My 11 year old son was going to bed and I could hear him crying. I went in to ask him what was wrong and he says to me, "I heard you swear". I said to him, "Your crying because I swore? I'll stop if it makes you THAT upset!" Then he told me it wasn't that I swore that bothered him, "Remember everytime you swear a dollar was supposed to go into Brenna's college fund". (This was a running family joke while I was pregnant) It seriously broke my heart. For two reasons, one being the obvious- he really took that to heart and had made plans for his little sister and was now realizing that they would never happen. Also, that is the first time he's said her name. Ever. It was just so awful.

I'm beginning to wonder if I am actually doing ok, or if I'm just in denial. I don't cry anymore. At all. Maybe I can squeeze out a tear, but it takes a lot to get it out. Grieving mothers are supposed to cry! Why can't I?

This is all more than I can take right now. I'm beginning to think I need a serious vacation. (Isn't that called running away from your problems?)

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Life is Good

I'll stand back up. Those words from the Sugarland (written on the right here) really hit home today. I have actually been feeling normal again. Sure, I think of my baby everyday, and she is always on my mind, but so are my other kids. That is because I love them. That's because I'm a mom.

For the most part, I have been feeling pretty good. Part of me feels extremely guilty for that. I feel like I should be grieving, but I'm not that kind of person. I don't dwell on things. I'm a roll-with-the-punches kind of person. I actually walked by the baby section at the store the other day and didn't feel like dying. That was big for me. Just a few weeks ago I couldn't even look in the direction of that section. Babies still bother me a bit, girls more than boys. I still notice pregnant ladies, but I don't want to dig their eyes out anymore so that's a plus! :)

Someone on babycenter recently said, "I can get on with my life without another baby...but there will always be this hole that can only be filled by one thing." That is exactly how I feel. I'm getting on with my life. I actually beginning to enjoy life again, but there is a hole that will always be there. Hanging pictures of the kids over the weekend I thought, 'I should hang one of Brenna, too' and I felt cheated. The other day I caught myself saying I have two kids, when I know in my heart I have three. When I was at the doctors the nurse asked how my baby was, and I said, "I don't have a baby" and I felt like I was lying. I do have a baby, she's just not here.

While I was in the hospital I was laying there thinking to myself, 'Why did this happen. What am I supposed to learn from this?' I knew I had to find the lesson in it all. I kept thinking, 'How can I make the good come out of this'. I still don't have the answer to that, but I hope that I will find it. I truely believe that everything happens for a reason. For the life of me I don't know why this happened, but I think I just need time, and one day I will realize why. I am determined to learn that lesson. If I don't my baby will have died in vain, and I won't let that happen.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Babies On My Mind

Today I had a check up with the doctor. Of course we talked about when/if I can have another baby. I'm scarred to death to have another, but at the same time I'm scarred to death not to. I read on another blog a mother described feeling "one short" when it came to her children. That is exactly how I feel. When hanging pictures over the weekend I felt like I was doing something wrong when I didn't have Brenna's. I felt like something was missing. I think I will always feel that way, and the thought of having that nagging feeling in the back of my mind for the rest of my life is horrible. I can't say I want to replace her by having another baby, but I truely feel in my heart I was supposed to have another child. I don't want to look back 10 years from now and hate myself for not trying to have another baby. The doctor said it was very risky, and if I was his daughter he'd tell me not to do it, but it's not out of the question. What happened to me was so rare none of the doctors at the hosptial has ever seen it or even read/heard of it. Basically, I almost had an ectopic pregnancy, but the baby implanted just outside the fallopian tube. That part of the uterus isn't very strong or "elastic" (for lack of a better word) and it stretched until it broke. My doctor (who I love by the way) told me that there is no guarantee that implantation won't happen there again. He said I would be very high risk, but it's not out of the question. I can't imagine going through this again, or putting my family through it either. Someone suggested surrogacy, and I am totally open to the idea, but how do you ask someone to carry your child? I can't even ask someone to help me when I'm recovering from surgery, how can I ask them something like this!?! It's so frustrating when you have all the "ingredients" (egg, sperm) to make a baby but nothing to "cook" it in (uterus)! Why did this have to happen to me? I ask myself this all the time. I hope one day I'm holding my precious little baby, and then I know the answer.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

I hate my body

I hate my body. A lot of women look in the mirror and say that because they don't like their fat thighs or saggy boobs. I say that because my body didn't keep my baby alive. My body and I have been having a battle lately. It's been more than a month since my surgery and I still have pain. I expected to be feeling much better now, and I'm not, and I hate my body for it. It's a very strange to want to do something, and you body won't let you do it. I feel as though my body betrayed me at the most important time. When I needed it the most it let me down. Another life was depending on me to keep it alive, and my body just wouldn't do it. Instead it broke open, almost killed me, and made it impossible for my little one to survive. I often think why couldn't this have happend just a few weeks later, when my baby had a fighting chance. Why couldn't my stupid body have held out for just a little longer? I did everything right during my pregnancy: ate all the right foods, no caffeine, lots of sleep, no sex for three months (dr.'s orders). You name it. My son was a very healthy baby getting a 9.9 out of 10 on his one minute apgar. But my body was 11 years younger then. We got along then. I didn't hate it then. I hate it now. I especially hate it because chances are my body has made it impossible for me to carry another child. My body won't allow me to become a mother again, and I really hate it for that. Maybe one day I will make peace with it, but for now, I really hate my body.

People who understand

Over the last few weeks I've been suprised by the number of people who have experienced the loss of a baby. Just today I found out someone who I've known for the past few years, and who I would consider a friend lost a baby right around the same age as my baby was when she died. There have been several people who told us they lost babies and we had no idea.

I think out of all the people in my life, unfortunately, my stepdaughter most understands how I feel. She lost her mother in an accident when she was 9 years old. Today she is 22, married and has her own child. I think that the bond between mother and child is amazing, and when one of those parts is lost, the pain is unimaginable. You don't expect to outlive your children, there is something unnatural about it. But you also don't expect to lose your parent when you are a young child. I'm not sure which is worse. We are a lot alike. Neither of us is a very emotional person, and we're not big on crying. But that doesn't mean we don't have feelings. The thing I appreciate most about her is that I don't have to tell her how I'm feeling, she already knows. She let's me know she's there if I need her and that's it. I know she's there, but I don't have to talk and explain how I'm feeling or why I'm feeling it. She knows what it's like to have that bond broken. She understands my grief. The funny thing is, it's made our bond stronger. I've always loved her, but I've rarely said it to her. I find myself telling her I love her more often these days.

I've never told anyone this, but right before I went in for surgery I was really scarred. I started thinking of my kids. I remember thinking, "I'm not going to die, God won't take another mom away from J", and I just knew I was going to be alright. And I was, and I will be.

Monday, April 7, 2008

A month already

It was one month yesterday. The day wasn't as horrible as I thought it was going to be. I tried to stay busy. My husband bought me roses which is a rare occurance. The strange thing is we didn't talk about it being one month. My husband hardly ever talks about what happened and never talks about the baby. He still hasn't said her name and I'm beginning to think he never will.

I finally put her memory box away. For those of you lucky enough not to know, when your baby dies the hospital gives you a box to put stuff in and they call it a memory box. I couldn't bring myself to put it away yet. Today I did. That small thing felt like a victory.

Today I had to go to a birthday party. I was doing find until this lady came in with her baby girl. Of course they had to sit by us. I could barely look at that baby, let alone talk to the mother. I was so jealous of her I wanted to jump across the table and hit her. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for everyone who has a baby, and I don't want to seem like I hate people who have children, because I don't. I'm just so jealous that I don't get to have my baby and they do that it sometimes makes me crazy. Luckily they didn't stay long and were gone after a few minutes. I was so happy because I was looking for a reason to get out of there so I didn't have to look at that adorable baby anymore.

My husband's family reunion is scheduled for my due date. I remember we were talking about wanting to go but not being able to make reservations because we didn't know if the baby would be here yet or not. The other day my husband wanted to know if I made reservations yet, and I told him no. I didn't tell him it's because I can't imagine that I'm going to be feeling very festive at that time. I had planned on showing off my new baby. Instead it will be the first time we will see most of them, and I don't want to have to keep going over it again and again. The worst part is every year they record the births, deaths, and marriages. I can't bear the thought that my baby is going to be on the birth and death page. It just seems so unfair.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

If a MAN can have a baby, why can't I?

Ok, NOW I'm bitter. First of all, my day has sucked so I'm already in a pissy mood. Then I watch Oprah and "Thomas" is on there because he is pregnant. Yeah, that rubbed me the wrong way. If God would let Thomas and his wife have a baby, why won't he let me have one? I beginning to see why they say life is not fair.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

It's been Four long weeks

It seems like just the other day I lost my baby. I can't believe it's been four weeks since she left. I sometimes wonder if she had been born now would she have had a chance to survive? Is a baby "viable" at 24 weeks? I'm sure her chances would have been better, not great, but a chance compared to 20 weeks. If you're born at 20 weeks your only option is to die.

During these past weeks I've (obviously) thought about my baby every day. I've cried and wondered why did this happen. I've wondered it I did somthing that I was being punished for. Was this my punishment for secretly hoping I could get pregnant even when the doctor said I wouldn't? Was this my punishment for having my doubts when I found out I was pregnant? Was this my punishment because I was disappointed I couldn't drink at Jenna's wedding? I don't think so. I don't think God kills babies to punish the mother. Although, it feels worse than any punishment I could imagine.

The things that just kills me is I always trusted him. I wasn't one of those moms who worried about every little thing. I would read other mother's posts on BabyCenter and think they were going to give themselves heart attacks they way they worried over every little thing. I wasn't one of those moms. Even when my quad test came back with some high results I didn't panic, I trusted Him. Then why take my baby, God? I put her in your hands and you took her from me. I don't think I will ever understand why you did that to me! I know she's better off in heaven, but I'm selfish and I wanted more time with her. I wanted to watch her grow up, and I wanted to really get to know her. I wanted my husband, and children, and family to know her and love her like I did. No one else got to feel her move, no one else got to know her like I did and, yeah, I'm ticked about it. I had plans for her, and they will never come to be. I don't know why it happened. I don't know what the reason is, but I just wish you'd show me. Maybe then I'd stop being mad at you. I still love you, and trust you, but that doesn't mean I like what you did.

Four weeks may seem like a long time, but it's not enought time to heal. It's better, and maybe this is the best it will ever be. I can live with that. I haven't cried in a few days and I feel a little guilty because maybe I'm not sad enough. I don't know why I'm not a total basketcase. That's just not me. I'm not one to fall apart. I had a friend (who ment well) tell me that it just hasn't hit me yet. Yeah, it has. I held my dead baby and saw her in her coffin. Yeah, it's hit me. But, I just deal with things differently. I don't go nuts crying. I prefer to cry when no on is around. I haven't done that in awhile, though.

Tomarrow is my son's birthday. Saturday will be one month since we lost Brenna. I don't know if anyone else will remember. I'm not even sure my husband will. He never talks about her, he hasn't even said her name since she was born. We talk about what happened to me, but never about the baby. I bring her up and talk about her and he listens, but never says anything about her. I think he's just trying to cope and be strong for me. He tends to be more emotional for me.

Uh! This is hard. I never, ever though I would be remembering the anniversary of my baby's death.