I sort of got bashed by another blogger commenter because of my views on miscarriage and stillbirth. I talked about this back in May and June, when another blogger helped shine some light on the subject for me. At the time my loss was fresh, and I had not gotten the certificate of stillbirth from the doctor yet. At that time I thought my loss was a "late term miscarriage". The term made my skin crawl, still does.
I know any loss is tragic. I get that. A first trimester baby is just as wanted and loved as a third trimester baby. I know that. But the fact of the matter is that I can't help but feel that I had it kind of easy as far as stillbirths go. I wasn't near my due date so I didn't have a nursery all set up waiting. My baby was delivered during surgery so I didn't have to physically birth her, or go through labor all the while knowing I was carrying a dead child. Does that make my loss any less painful? No. Does it make it easier to handle emotionally? Yes, I think it does. I had baby things at home, which was hard enough to come home to. But I did not have an entire nursery and all the cutesy little baby items waiting for me when I walked through the door empty handed. I can not imagine what that is like. I did not find out my baby was dead and have to walk around with her in my body, and decide how I was going to go about getting her out. Again, that is unimaginable to me.
I love Brenna. I wanted that baby with every fiber of my soul. I also have an 11 year old son. I can tell you that if anything ever happened to him it would be 10 million times harder than loosing Brenna. Not because I'm a heartless person who chooses one child over the other, but because I have spent the last 11 years of my life with my son. I know everything about him. We are bonded. If he was not here my life would change drastically. Unfortunately, I never got to know Brenna outside my womb. I carried her with me, but she was not a physical part of my day to day life. I only had her with me for a short time. After her loss, life quickly returned to normal. That does not mean I wasn't heartbroken- because I was (still am).
I guess what I'm saying is I'm just being realistic. I am only being honest when I tell you that I know in my heart there are people who've suffered losses far worse than mine. That does not mean I don't hurt because I do. All it means is that I am able to put myself in other people's shoes, and I understand that it's all a matter of perspective. My loss is horrible to me because it's the worst thing I've ever experienced. Just as someone's miscarriage is horrible to them because it's their worst experience. (Thanks CLC for that insite!)
I started this blog in 2008 after the stillbirth of my daughter. Now it's not just about loss, but about life.
7 comments:
In my many support groups, they all talk about how "loss is loss", meaning like "all losses are the same". They aren't. My dear friend has suffered early miscarriage, and then lost her two twins at 24 weeks. Each situation was horrid, but the twin loss was "worse" in a way. Plus, it was later on. In an early miscarriage, the mourning is somewhat different; you might not have had an ultrasound, you never held the baby, etc...but later on, you have held the child, etc. I birthed my boys (I had to) and that was its own kind of trauma. And stillbirth is a different kind of trauma. I agree with you, but it's a situation that can be easily misconstrued.
It makes sense to me. Although we are not suppose to compare losses, we do. I don't know if this is good or not, but I do it. I can't help it. I understand!
First of all, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby girl. I can't imagine what you have been through!
How good to read your post, "I Am Happy." Saying a prayer for you right now that God will continue to comfort you, giving you His peace and His joy.
Thank you for stopping by my blog and commenting. Feel free to visit me again, anytime!
Blessings...
Beth E.
I think it's hard for people to not compare losses. Like you though, I try to remind myself that there are people out there who have suffered far worse than me. It doesn't take my heartbreak away, it just gives me a different perspective I guess.
I think that each loss is bad in its own way....
and it is inevitable that comparisons will be made...
human nature I think...
You hurt, you miss your baby, and that is real...
Its also real that you are starting to live again...to be happy again..I am so glad to see this happen!!
You deserve it
Im so sorry Holli...
I have something for you
http://breannaanddave.blogspot.com/2009/01/friend-award.html
So devil's advocate here, Holli, and you know I love you so I hope you don't take this the wrong way. (I've been thinking about this entry for days) It just makes me think... since I had to labor for over 12 hours and then delivered him after knowing for 2 days that Eli was gone, does that mean that I "get" to grieve more than you? That my loss was "bigger" than yours? But wait, he was younger than Brenna, so now you get to grieve more than I do? And what about Collin? I walked around for a couple days knowing that he was gone but had to wait for surgery since that's what my doc recommended based on my delivery experience with Eli... where should I put his loss on the bucket-full-of-carp-o-meter?
Just some food for thought.
xoxo - I mean it. This post really does show how you've moved forward in this process.
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