Tuesday, July 1, 2008

119 Days

The four month mark is fastly approaching. This Saturday to be exact. We have plans for the hoiday, and will be with family out of town. I'm not even sure how I feel anymore. 119 days. She's been gone 119 days. If she was still here, I would only have six more weeks to wait to meet her. I really just don't know how to feel. I fell numb. I feel sad. But mostly I feel numb. I'm tired of being sad, tired of feeling like I'm going to cry all the time, tired of putting on my happy face. I'm just tired. I have no motivation for anything anymore. If I could spent the entire day in bed I would. I've been letting my son spend way to much time playing video games because I just don't have the energy to do anything.

Today I was talking to my sister and she said, "You sound tired" "I'm always tired" I told her. "Are you anemic?" She asked. "No" I wanted to say "I haven't been sleeping since my baby died" I wanted to say. But I didn't. I didn't say anything. I'm so tired of making other people feel uncomfortable. I'm so tired of seeing the look on their faces. The whole process is so draining.

I read something online that asked, "What are you looking forward to?". I couldn't answer it. I don't have anything to look forward to. When I picture the future is just seems like a long, empty, endless tunnel. There is nothing I am excited for. I have lost my zest for life. That's the only word I can think of.

I used to be the life of the party. I was always laughing. I still laugh, but I don't feel it in my soul like I used to. Just typing those words brings me to tears. I miss the old me! I want her back! I miss being happy. I miss being motivated. I miss my old, naive life.

Although I would never give up carrying my daughter. I wish that having her didn't come attached to all this heartache. I wish that it could have come with some joy as well.

{Pause while I go into the bathroom and have a good cry.}

{OK I'm back}

I just want to know when this gets better. I see mother's who lost their children years ago, and they can't get over it, and I think to myself, "Is this my life? Am I going to be like this forever? Because I can't!" And I really can't. I can't keep on living like this.

Were it not for my son, I don't know how I would even function. I admire all of you who lost a child, and have no living children. I don't know how you can live. I really don't think I could do it.

I just keep asking myself "Why give her to me if you were only going to take her away?" Why, Why, WHY? I'm a good person. I live a good life. JJ and I spend lots of our free time doing community projects. We are good people! Why can't we have this one thing? It doesn't make sense to me, and I just don't understand. It's so unfair. I would do anything to have her back. Anything. But the sad reality is that she is gone. Nothing will bring her back to me. Another baby will not make this pain hurt less. Another baby will not fix this, because she will still be gone, and I will not know why.

I'm beginning to wonder if I might have postpartum depression. Or maybe it's just grief. I have never experienced either of these, so I don't know what my problem is, but I really do have a problem.

Alright, I now have a headache from all the crying. Thanks alot! This post has taken quite the toll on me. Here's a visual for you. My son took this picture right before I started writing this:

and here's what I look like now:

I am falling apart.


noswimmers said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know how we do it, get through each day. But somehow we do. I wish I knew when it would get better, if it gets better. It really hurts, doesn't it?

Katherine Stone said...

I am so terribly sorry for your loss.

You may in fact be suffering from postpartum depression as well as grief. Have you spoken to your doctor about your feelings and your problems sleeping? It's important to let him or her know what's going on with you.

Aunt Becky said...

Oh Holli, I wish I had something other to offer you other than to tell you how sorry I am. I'm aching for you.

Kasey said...

Holli I'm very sorry for your loss and that you had to be brought to deadbabyland. I've gone through every emotion your going through. Its only been 120 days since you lost Brenna. Its been over a year and a half since I lost Kamryn and I still feel these very same things. It's okay if you want to fall apart a bit. I usually feel better after I do. Please know your in my prayers and I'm thinking of you