Saturday, July 26, 2008

Not So Bad

So yesterday wasn't as horrible as I thought it was going to be. I got to sleep it, and of course the first thing I thought of was today is "the day". But my chihuahua tripped when I let him outside first thing in the morning, and I thought he broke is leg so that was a distraction. (He's fine, has the whole faking-for-attention thing down to a science.) My husband had to work late so I took my son and grandson to my mom's house. My step-grandma and step-aunt were coming into town. My niece and nephew were staying the night and they are the same ages as my son and grandson so the kids had way too much fun. My brother who lives 3 1/2 hours away come to visit also. I haven't seen him since the funeral. (He came all the way to the funeral, which was actually more like 4 hours, even though he had out of town guests staying at his house. How nice was that?) We talked about the surgery, and the baby a little, but I didn't even think about what day is was. I had a really great day. We left at 10:30 and my mom gave me a hug and asked me if I had a good day. I knew it was her way of letting me know she remembered what day it was. I just love her so much for that.

This morning I got a bunch of baby junk in the mail. It didn't really bother me, not even the one that said "Congrats on your impending arrival". I just threw it away. Except for the diaper. You know how Pam.pers sends out sample diapers and coupons? Well I couldn't help myself, I opened it. I held that diaper. Is it wierd that I smelled it? Because I did and it smelled just like a new baby. Holding that diaper, it was the first time I let myself imagine her being born, and being a cute chubby baby. It was the first time I imagined myself diapering her.

It didn't hurt though. I didn't long for what I don't have because it just didn't seem right. I WANT it, don't get me wrong. I want it more than anything in this world. But with her it didn't seem right. That baby wasn't her. And now is the first time that I have realized that another baby won't make it better. Another baby won't be her. Even if it's a girl.

She can not be replaced.

And I don't want her to be.


G said...

The diaper thing isn't weird. I have one of those diapers on the changing table next to William's ashes. I had it out before he died thinking how cute and small and sweet it was. I couldn't get rid of it after he died.

Thinking of you, making it through the due date isn't easy.

amanda said...

ah Holl- I love ya:)

CLC said...

Hope the weekend was ok for you. I don't think the diaper thing is weird at all.