Wednesday, July 2, 2008

I'm NOT falling apart.

Deadbabyland is a black hole that can suck you in if you let it. Yesterday I spent the majority of the day reading other people's blogs, and googling ruptured uterus. I think you can tell from my post that I had been sucked in. I was really feeling hopeless and horrible. Today I woke up and I felt good for a split second, and then I remembered that my baby was dead, and I started to feel like crap again. But instead of letting myself fall apart, I pulled myself together and said, "That is my reality. My baby is dead, but I'm going to move on". And I got up, showered, met with my mom, and took the kids to a movie.

After dinner I had to meet with a committee that I preside over, and after we met four of us sat outside and drank margaritas. We laughed and talked for two hours, and let me tell you I needed it. Someone asked about my tattoo and I told her it was the baby's name. I could tell for a split second she felt bad and awkward, but I just kept right on talking about the baby and how I had originally wanted to get her footprints etc., and I could tell that they knew it was OK to talk about her. And it is OK. It's more than OK. I want to talk about her. That is the only way I get to share her with the world.


In case you were wondering (and I know you are) I am going to go to my uncle's funeral tomorrow. We'll see how that goes.


Someone sent this to me, and I think it's very relevant to my life right now:

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.

You will have you heart broken, probably more than once and it's harder every time.

You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.

You'll fight with your best friend.

You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

You'll cry because time is passing too fast,

and you'll eventually lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.


Also, I found this song today that I thought I would share.


by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.

They let him go.

They had no sudden healing.

To think that providence would

Take a child from his mother while she prays

Is appalling

Who told us we’d be rescued?

What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?

We’re asking why this happens

To us who have died to live?

It’s unfair.


This is what it means to be held.

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive.

This is what it is to be loved.

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we’d be held

This hand is bitterness.

We want to taste it,

let the hatred numb our sorrow.

The wise hands open slowly to Lily's of the Valley and tomorrow


Aunt Becky said...

What a beautiful post, Holli.

Anonymous said...

I lost my first child during my 8th month of pregnancy. I still think of her most very day. What she would have been like, and other stuff like that. Now 20 years later, I still think of her most every day. The hurt is less, but still there, but I live. I don't think the hurt of loss ever goes away, I think that we just are better able to accept is a time passes.

Anonymous said...

I just stumbled across your blog today and I have been reading it from the beginning and crying. I have not experienced this pain in my life. But the song you posted here was written because she lost her baby. When I first heard this song the DJ on the radio explained that this was her first work since she lost her baby. I couldn't imagine the pain that this causes a family to have.