"We are burying Brenna on Thursday".
I haven't blogged about this because, quite honestly, I didn't want to have to face it, and I didn't want to think about it at all.
There was a problem at the cemetery. My husband and I own six plots, but we couldn't pin point which six. Today my husband went and sat down with them and figured it out. I didn't know he was going to do this. When I came home he asked me what my plans were for the rest of the week.
"Why, what's up?"
"You're acting weird"
Pause. "We're burying Brenna on Thursday."
The last thing I expected to hear. He has plans of going down there and being at the grave site, but I don't want to go. I just don't want to deal with it. I know it's going to happen, but I don't want to see it. I don't want to be there at all. That probably makes me the worse mother in the world. I feel so guilty about it. I really, really hate that I feel that way. But I just don't have the strength to deal with it. I'm finally feeling up, and I know that this is going to pull me right back down. But, I can't make my husband go alone either! I don't know what to do. I'll admit it-- I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'm going to fall apart and be one of those hysterical moms. That is not me, and I am scarred shitless that I will become that. I really am the most selfish person in the entire world. I'm not going to my daughter's grave site because I might cry!?!
I am pathetic.