Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
When I shared it with a friend, she made a reference that it was the baby trying to communicate with me. The thought had never even occurred to me. I'm not sure I believe that. I witnessed beautiful things in nature before loosing my baby, and I can't really give her credit for the beautiful things I see after her death. It's all a little too hocus-pocus for me. Instead I choose to be grateful that I can still see the beauty in this earth. If that beauty happens to remind me, or anyone else, of my little girl- well, that's just icing on the cake.
Edited to add: This comment was left for me by Ciaran's mom, "Maybe our babies don't make the moments, but maybe they sometimes point things out to us that we might have otherwise have missed" Point well taken. I think I may have been to cynical, and should be a little more open. Thank you!
A few of these people have unfortunately suffered another loss after their first, and that is horrible. Many have delivered beautiful little boys and girls. Most are growing them as we speak. Some have been trying to get pregnant with no luck yet. But still, they are trying. And I'm not. And my eggs are getting older and older. So is my husband.
It's just very hard to sit by and watch everyone else do what I want to be doing, and not be able to do it. I have every hope that if we tried for another baby it would happen. But the odds are not on my side. It was 10 years after my son before I got pregnant again. After many years of unprotected sex. Brenna was a total shock.
I don't know if I'll ever get that lucky again.
Sorry for the pity party. It's really getting lonely out here in the not trying section.
Friday, December 26, 2008
I can not wait for you to be over. You have been the worse year of my life. You have brought me more grief than any other year, ever.
I welcomed you in on bed rest with a subchorionic bleed. That was real special. Then I spend the first part of you recovering from that, and feeling like crap.
Then you took my baby. And I got the special privilege of recovering from major surgery for the middle of you. Then I spend the last half of you missing my baby and wishing that you would get over with so I can move on.
I won't even mention how you took my best friend's fiance this year. Or how my husband's friend died in a car accident. I can thank you for those wonderful memories too.
About the only good thing I will remember from you is my step-daughter getting married. So at least I'm grateful you didn't mess that up.
So good by and good riddance 2008. You really have been the sucky-est year of my of my entire life. I am hopeful that your successor 2009 will do a MUCH better job.
A Disgruntled Customer
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
I think I mentioned before that my husband's sister lost her first two babies. One died when he was a few hours old, the other a few weeks. I know what happened, but I never really remember her talking about them except to say she put a grave blanket on their grave site or something like that. During our recent family Christmas her and I were talking with a group of people. She was telling us what all her grandkids were up to (she went on to have two more healthy children). She opened her wallet to show us pictures of the grandkids. Someone asked who's baby pictures were in there, but I already knew. My sister in law smiled, and said, "Those are my first two babies". She had this look on her face, and I could tell she was thinking about them. It really struck me because my sister in law is older than my husband. In fact her kids are older than I am. The babies that she lost were born in the 60's. They would be in their 40's now.
And she still carries their pictures.
And it still hurts her.
I guess it just touched me because it made me realize that no matter how much times passes, we can still go back to the time our babies were born. We will still think of them. We will still carry their pictures. It made me feel good in a way, because that means 40 years from now, my baby will not have been forgotten. I may not remember every detail, but I will always remember her.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Oh, and it's my birthday.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Then I got home.
I won't bore you with the details, but it's safe to say that I was thrown a big fat curve ball. :( Financially, we are in trouble. This new job can't start soon enough.
*On this day last year I was laying on the couch felling sick as a dog. I thought I was battling the flu. I had no idea I was actually growing a baby! I keep thinking back to "this time last year" and thinking about how different things are from what I thought they would be.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Don't you just love that? No I did not find that quote myself- I stole it from Angie.
So I didn't make it out to lunch with my mom yesterday. Instead I went and accepted a job offer. Someone asked what type of job it is. Well, it's something I haven't really done before. It's basically marketing. I almost fell off my chair when they made a salary offer. I've never made that much money in my entire life! NEVER! Let's put it this way: I will make more in one week than I make in a whole month at my current job (and then there is commission and bonuses!). Seriously. I don't even know why they are hiring me. I'm starting to feel very nervous and unqualified. In this economy, I can not turn the offer down. I just can't. My husband's job is in construction, and with the way the economy is you never know if he's going to have a new project to go to. This would take a load off our minds. The answer to our prayers. In this economy I would venture to call this a miracle! I don't start until January, so I'm glad I get to spend Christmas Break with my son
One thing keeps nagging in the back of my mind. Do I tell them about the baby? I haven't yet. It's a husband and wife team. They are both great people. Do I let it come up in conversation or do I not say anything? I can't imagine spending so much time with someone who doesn't know about the most defining moment of my life. But I also kind of like being looked at as normal again, and not broken. What would you do?
Monday, December 15, 2008
Speaking of the company party- I was really nervous someone was going to ask us how many kids we had. My husband was working for another company when Brenna died, and started at this company about a month later. I don't know how much he's shared (they aren't a "close" company). Thank God no one asked me because I didn't know how to answer.
Anyway, here are a few pictures. Gotta get going. I'm meeting my mom for lunch.
Friday, December 12, 2008
(Totally off topic- this just occurred to me as I was writing. I wonder if that is why I've been having such a hard time with loosing Brenna. Do I look at her death as my own failure? I have to think about that some more.)
So anyway, I may have a new job. My husband tells me I would be crazy not to take it. We live in Michigan, and let me tell you the economy is terrible here. I know it's bad all over- but Michigan is it's own kind of shitty. It is a great opportunity, and I will be making more money than I ever have before. It is definitely the answer to our money prayers.
Oh, and you know how I was thinking that if I didn't get the job it was God's way of telling me that a baby was in my future? Well, now I think since I did get the job, it's His way of telling me a baby is in my future. Now I will be financially secure.
Man, I can turn anything into a positive can't I?
Thursday, December 11, 2008
As if I didn't feel awful enough.
I think it's the holidays, but these days seem to be harder and harder. I remember last Christmas being so excited that we would have a new baby in the family next year. We were all excited.
We put our tree up, and I am going to Bronner's (Christmas Wonderland!) and get an ornament with her name on it. I'd like to have something I can put up each year.
I don't know... it's just so hard. This used to be my favorite time of year, but all I can do lately is think of what was happening this time last year. Finding out I was pregnant. Hearing the heartbeat. Seeing the baby for the first time. It all happened this month. It seems like a lifetime ago. I was such a different person then.
I'm such a different person now.
I think a lot about having another baby. The problem is, I don't think it will make me miss her any less. It won't fill the hole in my heart. So now I think, what's the point?
Let me step back and fill you in on this little girl. She is 13 years old now. She had cancer. I am assuming it was in her bone at one time, because she had a donor bone put into her leg. Then, shortly after she recieved the donor bone, she was in a very serious car accident- and broke the leg. Yes, the same leg that was just operated on. Her younger sister was also seriously injured. That was earlier this year. Her sister has healed well, but the girls leg has not healed as it should. It still has a serious infection. Months later.
Today I read the urgent update and it is the worst possible news. Her cancer is back. This time in her lungs. She needs chemo and radiation. But because of the infection in her leg it won't be possible. So you know what that means... amputation. Yes, this poor girl is going to have to have her leg amputated next week. Then she will start chemo the week after that. The week of Christmas.
I don't know this person. I've never met her family. But her story is one that makes my story seem small in comparison. My pain is great. It is the greatest pain I've ever know. But I have to tell you, I don't think it is even close to the pain this girl's mother is feeling. To watch your child suffer for years... I can't even go there. I just can't imagine.
Kind of puts things into perspective for me.
"No way! Not me! I've got it made right now. Brendan is older. We can do whatever we want, and don't have to deal with babies and sitters. I'd die if I had a baby right now!"
Little did I know I was growing a miracle baby as I said those words. It wasn't my period that started a few days before. I was pregnant, and had no idea.
Those words will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Just for shits and giggles we are going to play a game. It's a game I found on another blog, while browsing blogland in sheer and utter boredom from being snowed in. If you would like to play along, click on the picture on the left.
So, here is What's On MY Phone:
This is a ringtone someone sent me.
This is me and three of my brother's last November. We were out celebrating my husband's birthday. It's actually the night I got pregnant with Brenna.
This is my son and grandson this summer playing outside.
Monday, December 8, 2008
I am not concerned that I keep on getting sick because I had 5 units of blood transfused into my body.
I did not have to recount the whole ordeal of my surgery, stillbirth, etc. to my family doctor today.
I do not have to get blood drawn.
I am not sick of being sick.
I do not want to crawl into bed and sleep all day.
I am not going to do that right now! :)
Sunday, December 7, 2008
On a totally unrelated note: I found out by accident that my brother is talking to The Crazy Bitch again. For those of you who don't know, she was his girlfriend who faked a pregnancy to keep him around. Then, six weeks after my daughter's stillbirth, she had the nerve to fake her "babies" death and call me and look for sympathy. (FYI- there never was any baby!) She is all kinds of crazy, and I knew right away that he was talking to her again because he started talking about her again. As in "She is so crazy", "She won't leave me alone". I knew that he was talking to her again. And I was right because I caught her at his house. I didn't say anything to him about it, because honestly what is the point? It will turn into me looking like the crazy asshole, and him defending himself, and that is not what I want. It was a few weeks ago, and I haven't said anything to anyone. I don't think I even told my husband. My stepdaughter and I talked about it, and she was so livid she wanted to drive over there and punch them both. I don't know what is going on with them, and I don't really care. If he has so little respect for me, then why waste my time on him. But I am still mad that he would even talk to her. No matter what the reason. If the tables were turned I would never talk to that person again. I love my brother more than that.
Also, I had a job interview this week. It went very well and they really liked me. It's a pretty lucrative position and it will double our household income. But, it's a lot of hours. I don't see being able to have a baby and keep that job. So if I don't get the job I will take that as the Universe's way of telling me a baby is in my future. Am I an optomist or what?
Friday, December 5, 2008
I could have grown a whole new baby in the time you've been gone. But I don't want another baby. I really wanted you. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you, or want you here with me. The hole in my heart is not healing, and I don't think it ever will.
I'm just learning to live with it.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
I also wanted to give you something for Christmas. So, I've decided to give away personalized DVD's to three of you. These usually cost $100 each! I will make them for you and mail them to you for free! All you have to do is email me the pictures you would like to use and tell me what songs you would like (or I can pick them out!). Below are a few examples of videos that I have made. I can make whatever kind you would like. Usually I make several different videos like those below, and put them together on one DVD. They make the greatest presents! (Please keep in mind that you will be emailing me the photos. I can use up to 200 pictures, so you will probably want to have high speed Internet access). I will burn an image and title directly on the DVD. It's not a paper label. I wish I had a photo to show you, but I don't sorry. You'll just have to trust me. :) Also, US mailing addresses only please.
How do you get this you ask? Send me an email. I have set up an email specifically for this. Tomorrow at 7 pm (my time) I will use a random number generator to pick 3 numbers. If you are that number email, you will get the present! (After I am done I'm going to delete the emails, I don't want you to think I'm going to send you spam or sell your addresses. I'm not.)
The email address I have set up is firstname.lastname@example.org
Merry Christmas, friends. And thanks for reading.
Part of a family video.