Thursday, July 31, 2008


I am leaving to bury my baby. :(

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

This Sucks.

Yes, burying my dead baby is the most horrible thing I've ever had to do in my entire life.

I've realized that this blog seems like I am some kind of depressed, suicidal lunatic. I assure you that is not the case. It just seems like I am always sad and depressed because this is the ONLY place where I talk about those feelings. (I'm sure that's not healthy) In reality, I'm a lot of fun (if I do say so myself). I enjoy life tremendously. I laugh all the time, and find a joke in everything.

One of my favorite things about Brenna's funeral (that sentence just seems so wrong) is at the luncheon. A local group of women cooked food for us and all of our "guests". It was really wonderful. Anyway, after the lunch we were all sitting there, and a lot of my friends were meeting for the first time because geographically they are spread out all over. My good friend A who I've know since junior high told us a hysterical story, and we all just laughed and laughed. I had tears streaming down my face, and it wasn't because I was sad. I remember thinking to myself at that moment that this was exactly how I wanted to remember of her funeral. Laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.

That is exactly how I live my life. I laugh all the time. I remember a new co-worker describing me, and she said, "She laughs a lot" and I thought it was the greatest compliment.


Hello my home is looking like a green house. I have never been good at keeping plants alive (my son jokingly tells me not to touch them or they will die- it's that bad). We recieved tons and tons of plants for Brenna's memorial. I had to give some away because I just didn't have room for them all. But, I am proud to say, all of the plants are still alive. Well, except for two ivy plants I tried to seperate and transpants. Killed them. Other than that they are really doing well, and I'm so happy. I had to buy plant stands because there are so many of them, and I didn't have anyplace for them to go. To the left is a pic of my favorite. It's from an old co-worker, Missy, who has become a great friend. I really miss working with her, but everytime I look at this Peace Lilly I think of her. (See the cherub on the floor there? My festival committee sent that to me at the funeral home also. I just can't put her outside though. I'm afraid she'll break.)


My aunt had to take the day off from work to attend Brenna's funeral. She had a co-worker cover for her, and told her what had happened. The co-worker told her 92-year-old grandfather, and he was so touched he made these for me.

I am so touched by this. I don't know if you can tell in the picture, but there is a lot of detail in these. They are both made of wood, but I have no idea how he cut them out. He said to tell me that only one other person has the one on the right, and that is his granddaughter who's pregnant. I am just so touched by the generosity and genuine caring from someone I've never even met. I'm speachless. I don't even know what to say about it. It's just so wonderful.

I wasn't sure where to hang them, so I added one to pictures of my family. Now, when I look at those pictures, I don't feel like someone is missing.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008


"We are burying Brenna on Thursday".

I haven't blogged about this because, quite honestly, I didn't want to have to face it, and I didn't want to think about it at all.

There was a problem at the cemetery. My husband and I own six plots, but we couldn't pin point which six. Today my husband went and sat down with them and figured it out. I didn't know he was going to do this. When I came home he asked me what my plans were for the rest of the week.

"Why, what's up?"


"You're acting weird"

Pause. "We're burying Brenna on Thursday."

The last thing I expected to hear. He has plans of going down there and being at the grave site, but I don't want to go. I just don't want to deal with it. I know it's going to happen, but I don't want to see it. I don't want to be there at all. That probably makes me the worse mother in the world. I feel so guilty about it. I really, really hate that I feel that way. But I just don't have the strength to deal with it. I'm finally feeling up, and I know that this is going to pull me right back down. But, I can't make my husband go alone either! I don't know what to do. I'll admit it-- I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'm going to fall apart and be one of those hysterical moms. That is not me, and I am scarred shitless that I will become that. I really am the most selfish person in the entire world. I'm not going to my daughter's grave site because I might cry!?!

I am pathetic.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

My Uterus is a Bitch

Yes, my uterus never stops fucking up my life. First I have month long periods, then cramps so bad I can't walk, then it kills my baby (tried to kill me), the fun never stops.

Yesterday no one was home so I thought it would be a good day to move all the furniture and clean the carpets. I didn't try to move the couches because I figured they would be too heavy for me, and sometimes my incision still hurts. I didn't want to push it. I did move a chair, and some other things but nothing really super heavy.

By them time I went to bed my fricking uterus hurt so bad I could hardly walk. I had to curl in the fetal position because that is the only way it would stop hurting. Seriously, it felt like contractions, only it didn't come and go, it was just one long pain.

This morning my husband asked me if I was OK, he said I looked peaked. I wasn't in pain anymore, but I did sneeze and I thought my uterus fell out. Right now I have mild pain, but I don't why.

I have been "blessed" with a high pain tolerance. Honestly, after I was cut open all I took when I got home was motrin. It hurt, probably the worst pain in my life, I'd have to say probably worse than natural, unmedicated childbirth. But, I don't even remember the pain. I have a bad habit of ignoring my body's signal that there is something wrong (pain), because I can keep on functioning. It's more like a curse than a blessing.

I am going to call my doctor tomorrow. I think everything is fine, but I want to be extra cautious.

Even though I hate my uterus, I want to keep her.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Not So Bad

So yesterday wasn't as horrible as I thought it was going to be. I got to sleep it, and of course the first thing I thought of was today is "the day". But my chihuahua tripped when I let him outside first thing in the morning, and I thought he broke is leg so that was a distraction. (He's fine, has the whole faking-for-attention thing down to a science.) My husband had to work late so I took my son and grandson to my mom's house. My step-grandma and step-aunt were coming into town. My niece and nephew were staying the night and they are the same ages as my son and grandson so the kids had way too much fun. My brother who lives 3 1/2 hours away come to visit also. I haven't seen him since the funeral. (He came all the way to the funeral, which was actually more like 4 hours, even though he had out of town guests staying at his house. How nice was that?) We talked about the surgery, and the baby a little, but I didn't even think about what day is was. I had a really great day. We left at 10:30 and my mom gave me a hug and asked me if I had a good day. I knew it was her way of letting me know she remembered what day it was. I just love her so much for that.

This morning I got a bunch of baby junk in the mail. It didn't really bother me, not even the one that said "Congrats on your impending arrival". I just threw it away. Except for the diaper. You know how Pam.pers sends out sample diapers and coupons? Well I couldn't help myself, I opened it. I held that diaper. Is it wierd that I smelled it? Because I did and it smelled just like a new baby. Holding that diaper, it was the first time I let myself imagine her being born, and being a cute chubby baby. It was the first time I imagined myself diapering her.

It didn't hurt though. I didn't long for what I don't have because it just didn't seem right. I WANT it, don't get me wrong. I want it more than anything in this world. But with her it didn't seem right. That baby wasn't her. And now is the first time that I have realized that another baby won't make it better. Another baby won't be her. Even if it's a girl.

She can not be replaced.

And I don't want her to be.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

July 25, 2008

That is the day I guessed my daughter would be born.

That is tomorrow.

We had an online pole going, and it was fun with everyone guessing due dates and such.

No one guessed March.

No one saw it coming. Especially not me.

This weekend is going to be hard. My husband's class reunion is tomorrow, and we had not planned on going because I was supposed to be big and pregnant, and I expected to have my baby. We still haven't bought tickets, and even though my husband wants to go, I don't think I can. I can not muster anymore fake smiles. I have used them up.

Dammit! Just when I'm feeling up, this has to happen.

I had put it out of my mind until today when someone mentioned tomorrow's date. I hit me right square in the chest. I'm sure she thought I was a lunatic because I stared into space thinking about my due date. I had to fight the tears from coming, which is unusual for me. I am not a cry-er. She was at the funeral but it's been too long, and she's forgotten. Everyone has. I think my mom and I are the only ones who remember.

My husband has been mad for a few days about something stupid to do with a club he's involved it. Today I really got pissed because I thought, "How are you so mad about this, but not about her?" I just don't understand it. He thinks I'm over it too. He thinks I'm "Doing great". How can I share a home with someone who is so oblivious to my pain?

I must really hide it well.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

In the Horizon

I was driving home today. It's been rainy and cruddy all day. As I came up the hill from my house this is what I saw:

I'm not sure if you can see it in the picture, but I literally came up that hill and drove out of the rain into a beautiful sunny sky. I snapped a picture with my camera phone, because it was really amazing. As I thought about it, I began to realize that is what my life is like right now.

I feel like I have been in a dark, rainy place these past few months, and I'm starting to come into the sun again.

I can see it in the horizon, and it is beautiful.

No, I haven't disappeared.

I had a super-busy weekend. I think I mentioned before that I'm the VP of our local festival, and it was this weekend. I had lots and lots of things to do. It's over now, and I'm sort of sad. It was good to keep me busy. The festival turned out great though. It's been getting bigger and bigger every year. I am really proud of what we've made it into. We've come a long way. I feel like it's my child, and this weekend was graduation. My baby is growing! :)

Even with all the work, and everything I had to do this weekend, she was still on my mind at times. I reached into the back of the car Saturday and found a box. What the heck is this? I said. Lovely, a sample of baby formula. My husband had checked the mail while leaving that morning. I guess he didn't see the need to throw the formula away. It didn't make me fall apart. It just stung.

Right in the heart.

I did see a friends week old baby girl. We were pregnant at the same time, and due within a month of each other. I purposely stopped her to see the baby. (She was beautiful by the way. Seriously one of the prettiest babies I've ever seen.) It didn't really bother me though. I was happy for her. Someone else was there with their new baby, and a friend pointed them out and said I should go see the baby. I didn't say anything, but I didn't go either. I just didn't want to.

Although I thought of her this weekend, and it sometimes hurt, for the most part I was normal again. I hope that this is how it's going to be in the future. I hope that this is my new normal. I'm my old self. I still think of her, I'm still reminded of her. It sometimes hurts, but it doesn't kill me. I don't want to forget her. I just don't want the thought of her to always bring pain and sadness. I think I'm getting there.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

70th Post

I can't believe this is my 70th post. I don't feel any different than I did when I wrote the first post 3 months ago. Physically I am pretty much healed (expect for last weekend when I picked up a 50 pound bag of dogfood. Ouch!). Mentally, I am doing my best, but far from healed.

This week has been a busy week for me. I am the VP of our local festival, and it's this weekend. Lots of things to do this week. Even during all the hustle and bustle, I still think of her. Today I was looking through my drawers for something, and came across her memory box. I had to open it and look inside. Her three pregnancy tests were in there. They were still positive. I stared at those test for a long, long time. I've never told anyone this, but I'd taken some tests in the past few years, in the hopes that I *might* have been pregnant. They have always been negative. Those three tests are the only positive tests I've ever had in my life. (Never took any w/ my son). I stared at them for a long time. I just can't believe where my life is right now. I had so many plans for us, and although I try to pretend that I'm OK with it, I'm not.

Truth be told, I am still pissed that my baby is dead. I am angry, and confused. I am sick of crying. I just want to be normal again.

I am afraid this is my new normal.

Will I ever be able to look at another baby again? Will I ever be able to have another baby? Will I ever be able to concentrate on anything without thoughts of her slipping into my head?

We had a baby poll going. I guessed she would be born next friday. I never thought she wouldn't make it. In the grand scheme of things, I just didn't even see this coming. I honestly thought that this was my gift. My miracle baby. My little girl. I think next friday is going to be harder for me than her due date.

I think every day is going to be hard for me, for the rest of my life.

I don't feel as hopeless as I did a few weeks ago. But I still feel very... blah. I can't even think of a word to describe it. I just feel here.


But not living.

The life has been sucked out of me.

I really hope this is not my new normal.

Monday, July 14, 2008

"I should be..."

I catch myself thinking that several times a day. It doesn't come with the intense pain that it used to come with. Just a sense of emptiness that I don't think will ever go away. I have come to realize that I will probably have that sense of "something missing" for the rest of my life. I've come to embrace it and accept it. Although I feel the emptiness, I don't feel the crushing pain anymore. I have my moments. Like yesterday when a friend gave birth to healthy baby girl. I don't think it would have hurt as much if it was a boy. Girls still hurt.

My due date is in 3 weeks. I have mixed feelings. I kind of feel guilty because I feel like it's just another day. I don't feel a particular attachment to that day. I feel like March 5th is her birthday and that is the day I will remember her on. My son wasn't born on his due date, and I don't think of him when his due date rolls around.

This time of year is kind of hard, however. I had planned on being hugely pregnant right now. I had planned on having my shower this past weekend. I had planned on having my baby early, and expected her next weekend. I hadn't planned on her dying.

There is a blog named This Is Not What I Had Planned and I love that name. I think that name says it all. None of this has went according to plan. Nothing turned out the way I thought it would. But I've come to accept it. Not to get all preachy on you, but I do believe I am where I'm supposed to be. I do believe my life is in God's hands.

That is the only way I can accept what happened. Otherwise, it just doesn't make any sense.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

I Was Misdiagnosed.

I happened upon an article about ectopitc pregnancy. Even though I wasn't looking for it I read it, and I instantly got upset. It seems that I experience every symptom of an ectopic pregnancy, but was never diagnosed. Instead my doctor said my bleeding and pain was because I had a low laying placenta. Really? How could it be low if it was in my fallopian tube, and hello? they are located at the top of the uterus! I can remember going to the doctor in the beginning of my pregnancy because I actually thought I was having a miscarriage. I was bleeding clots and in so much pain I couldn't drive myself to the office. I know now I was having classic ectopic symptoms. I had four ultrasounds (not counting the one the night of my surgery) and went to the doctor at least 10 times. They could only find the heartbeat on the upper right corner of my uterus, right under my rib cage. I remember thinking that wasn't normal, and my doctor didn't think so either, but he didn't look into it. When I was in the hosptial they made me wait 5 hours while they operated on someone else. Meanwhile I was bleeding to death and ended up needing 5 pints of blood. Oh, and let's not forget the beautiful scar I am left with.

I'm am so not the suing type. It never even occured to me to sue. But I am forever physically and mentally scarred, and will probably never carry another baby. Not to mention the pain and suffering my family has went through, especially my son. He is still in counsoling. If they had caught this in the beginning, things would be much different. I don't know if there was anything they could have done to save her, but now I will never know.

At first I was just so happy to be alive, and thankful to my doctor for saving me. Now I'm pissed that they didn't diagnose me, because it is their fault that this happened to me. I put my faith in them 100% and they totally let me down.

Really, all I want is another baby. If I could sue for that I would.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

How many kids do you have?

How in the heck do you answer that question? I feel like if I exclude Brenna I am betraying her, but if I don't include her I am lying. A family friend asked me that at my uncle's funeral and before I could even think to answer my dad jumped in and said, just one, a son. I know he probably meant well. I'm sure he was trying to spare me the awkwardness of answering, but it ticked me off not only because of Brenna, but because I have a stepdaughter also who I always consider my daughter. It's such a hard question, and I'm wondering how other people answer it. I just don't know what to say.

FYI- I put a new ticker up at the top of the blog. I had to add it because I LOVE that angel. I like to think that is what she would look like. If anyone knows how I can copy and/or print that off my computer please let me know. I want to add it to her memory box.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

My Luck Is Changing

I feel like my luck is changing. Life has been shitty for me lately, not only with the deadbaby thing, but life in general. I think it's changing. I've never been one to believe in "luck". Which is funny because as a child I would spend hours scouring our yard for four leaf clovers.

I never found one.

Today my husband and son were picking raspberries from our garden and I noticed that a fallen tree that we had cut down last summer had a little garden growing in it.

Then my eye fell on it. A four leaf clover. I am embarassed to say that I got excited. I felt like a little kid. I must have spend half my childhood looking for one of those little bastards. It only took 31 years, but I finally found one. My luck must be changing.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

A Good Week

This week has been good. I must have needed that cry last week. There were a few things I wanted to share with you.

  1. Please take a moment to visit my friend Julie who lost her daughter about three weeks after I lost mine. She's been having a hard time, and has started a blog to help her "get it out". I have said this before, but I'll say it again- I don't know where I would be without this blog. That is the truth. I'm not being overdramatic. I really, truly feel that writing, and being able to be honest and heard has helped more than anything else. This is the one place (besides my grief board) that I don't have to have a brave face. Where I can say where I want and you know why I'm saying it. Thank you.
  2. Someone on my grief board told me that her mother saw a picture of Brenna (I believe it's the one above) and made gowns to donate to the hospital based on her picture. She even remembered her name. It meant so much. I didn't even know what to say. It literally brought me to tears. I would love to quote her here, but I won't do that without her permission, but I will say that she said some very heartfelt things that I will never forget. (Holly, if you are reading this, it meant more than you will ever know. Thank you.)
  3. I spent the 4th of July with a pregnant lady and didn't even realize it. You know how huge that is. Especially since she is due just 8 days after I was. It never even occured to me to not like her or to be mad at her. I didn't bother me. That is huge. Huge. Huge. I don't even know what else to say about that.
  4. Finally (happily) I've discovered the website Scrapblog. Hello, I am in love. I am seriously addicted. I love to scrapbook, but honestly, I suck at it. I have tons of scrapbooking crap that never sees the light of day. Scrapblog is much easier, because it is all done on the computer (which I am good at). Just wanted to warn you, because I am sure I will be boring you with all kinds of new pictures and pages. Be prepared.

That's about it. This really has been a peaceful week. I held a baby today and didn't think twice about it. I am really (finally) feeling good. You probably noticed I changed the layout of my blog. I really felt like it was time for a change. I'm feeling different, so I wanted my blog to look different- if that makes any sense.

Have a great week, friends.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

6X6 For July

From Glow In The Woods

1 How would you describe your relationship to fear before and after the loss of your baby?
Loosing someone I love has always been a great fear of mine. Been there done that.

Also, I was never one of those pregnant ladies who worried about every little thing. I always thought "what a bunch of over-reactors". I don't think that anymore. I also don't think pregnancy=baby anymore.

2 Is your lost baby/are your babies present in your life? In what way?
I think about her everyday. There are photos of her in our home. I wear a ring with her birthstone on my right hand everyday. There are several other reminders family and friends have given us such as plaques, plants, statues etc. I also had her name tattooed on my foot.

3 Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling nurtured or supported.
Best thing anyone said to me? "This is hard, you never know what to say, so I just want you to know I'm here if you need me. I love you, and I'm thinking of you." This was from someone I was not particularly close to.

Also, my mom took two weeks off from work to take care of me after my surgery. I would never have asked her to do that, but was so grateful she did.

Remembered her anniversary.

Edited to add: One of my brothers called me while I was in the hospital. He left me a voice mail, and all is said was I love you. It was exactly what I needed.

4 Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling marginalized or misunderstood.
Totally ignoring me/my loss and acting as if nothing ever happened. That hurt more than anything.

When I called to tell my friend that the baby had died, she actually said to me "I guess everyone is having a bad week" and went on to tell me how her boyfriend's step-dad had died! I haven't called her since.

5 What's taken you a long time to do again? How did it feel, if you have?
Hold a new baby. I did it, and honestly, it felt good. Now that I've done it, it's not a big deal anymore.

6 How would you describe yourself as a partner before, and after?
Before= Independent
After= Needy

I really need him like I never have before. I rely on him. I kind of expect him to take care of me, which is very strange for me. I've never been one to be coddled, and I don't really know how to feel about that. All I know is that I depend on him much more. He has been great, and is my rock. We've been together 13 years, and this is by far the hardest thing we've ever had to deal with. It will either make or break your relationship. For us, it's made us stronger as a couple.

Monday, July 7, 2008

How do you say Thank You?

Sometimes thank you isn't enough. Sometimes you don't know what else to say. I know I mentioned how touched I was when my younger brothers got together and bought us tickets to my favorite band. We went, and had a really great time. I told them thank you, but I just don't feel like that thank you expressed how much it truly, truly meant to me. They are boys, and they are younger than me, so they don't know what to say to me. I know that was their way of telling me they loved me. It meant so much to me. (Here's a pic of us at the concert- we had such a good time).

Also, my husband called the funeral home today because we still haven't received a bill. The funeral director says, "Well, I'm not sending you one" What? THEY ARE DOING IT FOR FREE! Can you believe that? They even donated the casket to us. Speechless. I was speechless, and let me tell you that is a rarity! My husband told them he didn't feel comfortable not paying for anything, and the funeral director said he wouldn't even consider making money off from such a tragedy. Our family has went there before (for my mother in law's funeral) and we know him because he sits on a committee with my husband, but I still never thought he would do this for us.

Thank you just isn't enough.

Sunday, July 6, 2008


So I went to my uncle's funeral. It was very nice, and I'm glad that I went. It did hurt me a little that they mentioned another great-niece who passed away many years ago, but didn't mention Brenna who passed away four months ago. I didn't say anything, because really what you are supposed to say? No one said anything about my loss. Not one person. No one said anything about me being sick, or having surgery or anything. I wondered if they even knew! It wasn't that I wanted them to baby me, but at the very least I thought I might get a "how are you feeling"! Those of you who've experienced a loss know what I mean; not saying anything really is worse than saying the wrong thing. But I didn't expect anything so I wasn't let down.

The four month anniversary of Brenna's birth/death was yesterday. I went to my hometown since they were having their "big" fireworks celebration that day. They day went fine, we had fun. I drank a little too much, and on the way homethe tears started and I couldn't stop them. That is VERY unusual for me. I am a super-happy drinker.

I guess that has changed, just like everything else.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

I'm NOT falling apart.

Deadbabyland is a black hole that can suck you in if you let it. Yesterday I spent the majority of the day reading other people's blogs, and googling ruptured uterus. I think you can tell from my post that I had been sucked in. I was really feeling hopeless and horrible. Today I woke up and I felt good for a split second, and then I remembered that my baby was dead, and I started to feel like crap again. But instead of letting myself fall apart, I pulled myself together and said, "That is my reality. My baby is dead, but I'm going to move on". And I got up, showered, met with my mom, and took the kids to a movie.

After dinner I had to meet with a committee that I preside over, and after we met four of us sat outside and drank margaritas. We laughed and talked for two hours, and let me tell you I needed it. Someone asked about my tattoo and I told her it was the baby's name. I could tell for a split second she felt bad and awkward, but I just kept right on talking about the baby and how I had originally wanted to get her footprints etc., and I could tell that they knew it was OK to talk about her. And it is OK. It's more than OK. I want to talk about her. That is the only way I get to share her with the world.


In case you were wondering (and I know you are) I am going to go to my uncle's funeral tomorrow. We'll see how that goes.


Someone sent this to me, and I think it's very relevant to my life right now:

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.

You will have you heart broken, probably more than once and it's harder every time.

You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.

You'll fight with your best friend.

You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

You'll cry because time is passing too fast,

and you'll eventually lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.


Also, I found this song today that I thought I would share.


by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.

They let him go.

They had no sudden healing.

To think that providence would

Take a child from his mother while she prays

Is appalling

Who told us we’d be rescued?

What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?

We’re asking why this happens

To us who have died to live?

It’s unfair.


This is what it means to be held.

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive.

This is what it is to be loved.

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we’d be held

This hand is bitterness.

We want to taste it,

let the hatred numb our sorrow.

The wise hands open slowly to Lily's of the Valley and tomorrow

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

119 Days

The four month mark is fastly approaching. This Saturday to be exact. We have plans for the hoiday, and will be with family out of town. I'm not even sure how I feel anymore. 119 days. She's been gone 119 days. If she was still here, I would only have six more weeks to wait to meet her. I really just don't know how to feel. I fell numb. I feel sad. But mostly I feel numb. I'm tired of being sad, tired of feeling like I'm going to cry all the time, tired of putting on my happy face. I'm just tired. I have no motivation for anything anymore. If I could spent the entire day in bed I would. I've been letting my son spend way to much time playing video games because I just don't have the energy to do anything.

Today I was talking to my sister and she said, "You sound tired" "I'm always tired" I told her. "Are you anemic?" She asked. "No" I wanted to say "I haven't been sleeping since my baby died" I wanted to say. But I didn't. I didn't say anything. I'm so tired of making other people feel uncomfortable. I'm so tired of seeing the look on their faces. The whole process is so draining.

I read something online that asked, "What are you looking forward to?". I couldn't answer it. I don't have anything to look forward to. When I picture the future is just seems like a long, empty, endless tunnel. There is nothing I am excited for. I have lost my zest for life. That's the only word I can think of.

I used to be the life of the party. I was always laughing. I still laugh, but I don't feel it in my soul like I used to. Just typing those words brings me to tears. I miss the old me! I want her back! I miss being happy. I miss being motivated. I miss my old, naive life.

Although I would never give up carrying my daughter. I wish that having her didn't come attached to all this heartache. I wish that it could have come with some joy as well.

{Pause while I go into the bathroom and have a good cry.}

{OK I'm back}

I just want to know when this gets better. I see mother's who lost their children years ago, and they can't get over it, and I think to myself, "Is this my life? Am I going to be like this forever? Because I can't!" And I really can't. I can't keep on living like this.

Were it not for my son, I don't know how I would even function. I admire all of you who lost a child, and have no living children. I don't know how you can live. I really don't think I could do it.

I just keep asking myself "Why give her to me if you were only going to take her away?" Why, Why, WHY? I'm a good person. I live a good life. JJ and I spend lots of our free time doing community projects. We are good people! Why can't we have this one thing? It doesn't make sense to me, and I just don't understand. It's so unfair. I would do anything to have her back. Anything. But the sad reality is that she is gone. Nothing will bring her back to me. Another baby will not make this pain hurt less. Another baby will not fix this, because she will still be gone, and I will not know why.

I'm beginning to wonder if I might have postpartum depression. Or maybe it's just grief. I have never experienced either of these, so I don't know what my problem is, but I really do have a problem.

Alright, I now have a headache from all the crying. Thanks alot! This post has taken quite the toll on me. Here's a visual for you. My son took this picture right before I started writing this:

and here's what I look like now:

I am falling apart.