DEAD BABY TAX

We got our taxes done today. I knew that my state offers a stillbirth tax refund sort of thing. Basically, if you have a certificate of stillbirth you get $150 back on your state income taxes (thanks Michigan). I was not going to bring it up because, hello, I do not feel like reliving the whole ordeal with my tax guy. Who is a nerdy guy in his, oh I'd say 90's.

My husband saw the Stillbirth Benefit and he jumped all over that like flies on shit. My tax guy instantly got awkwardly nervous (because what else do you do when someone tells you they just had a stillborn baby). Exactly what I wanted to avoid. He looked into it and you have to have a copy of the certificate of stillbirth to attach to your refund. I didn't bring it with me. I told him to skip it. I was already pissed my husband brought it up and made the whole thing so uncomfortable. He said, "Are you sure, it's $150?" I told him I was sure.

I love my husband, but sometimes he is so fricking dense. A few minutes later he brought it up again and asked the tax guy if he can look the certificate up online! I am not a yeller. Especially in public. I am not the sort of wife who puts her husband down in public. But I lost my mind. I didn't exactly yell, but raised my voice, "Would you just drop it!" My husband knew he screwed up. Seriously, let's relive the worst experience of my entire life so that we can save $150. I was so irritated. I have to go hide in the bathroom so I didn't kill him

When I came back, the tax guy was just finishing up. He asked us the normal questions: "Address still the same? You live together right?" My husband looked at me sheepishly and said, "Yeah, we do. At least until we leave".

He is so lucky I love him.

GETTING ON MY SOAPBOX FOR A SECOND

Excuse me while I jump on my soapbox for a moment. I actually found this on another blog, but I feel exactly the same as the other blogger.

Baby Laith needs a new heart. You can read his story here. http://laithdougherty.info/ His parents have insurance, they just don't have enough insurance. It won't pay the $1.5 million that they hospital wants them to guarantee. So the hospitals are requiring his parents to put up $1.5 million before he can even be admitted! They are currently trying to raise the necessary money to get their poor baby his new heart.

People, we live in a country where an uninsured, unemployed nut-job can have eight babies and tax dollars will pay the multi-million dollar bill for her babies- but people who have jobs and insurance are watching their son die.

For once, I am at a loss for words.

HOLY NIGHTMARE

You can not imagine the horror that was my doctor's appointment today. You really can't. First off the nurse asked me how my baby was doing. I said, "My baby died. My uterus ruptured." She looked quickly through the chart (as if I was wrong!) and said she was sorry. Then she talked about the weather. This would not be that bad, except that this has happened every time I've went to this doctor since Brenna was born. Every time. You think they would note it somewhere on my chart that I lost a baby. Guess they don't.

The doctor has two offices, and the last time I was at this office was a year ago, and I was still pregnant. They put me in the same room I was in during my last visit. I did not imagine it would be hard, but it was very hard. I was already feeling vunerable because of the incident with the nurse, and being in that room- remembering hearing her hearbeat- it was just too much.

Then the doctor came in, and he made small talk. He talked about how he was doing sex ed classes for kids, and blah, blah, blah. Then he said one of the most inappropriate things I think a doctor has ever said to me. Mind you while he is telling me this I am sitting there covered with a paper towel because I'm there for my yearly exam also. He goes on to tell me how a nursing student was recently assisting him with a surgery and afterwards she said she had to ask him a question. She then told him (and I am quoting him), "When I put my husband's penis in my mouth, I suck, I don't blow. So why is it called a blow job? Am I doing something wrong?" I am not kidding. As if his retelling of the "boner" questions the sex ed kids asked wasn't enough, he had to tell me this! I was beyond disgusted.

Right before I left he asked me about having another baby. I told him I would love to, but reminded him that I was cautioned against it. Then he went on to tell me how dangerous uterine ruptures can be, and then told me how he saved someone's life last year and proceeded to tell me my own story. I kid you not. I can't imagine that he sees that my uterine ruptures, but he totally forgot who I was and had no idea why I was there! At first I thought he was joking, but he was dead serious telling me, "Dead baby, almost a dead mama from all the blood loss..." I could not believe it. I was so dumbfounded that I walked out.

My husband was in the waiting room. I walked past him out into the car. I told him the highlights of what happened, and then I started crying. I am not an emotional person at all, but I started crying. I was so hurt, and angry. It was without a doubt the worst doctors visit of my entire life.

Needless to say I am looking for a new doctor.

Memorialize Your Baby

I just wanted to share this with all of you. There is a Symposium being planned in Washington D.C. next month. It's about Stillbirth, SIDS, and SUID (Sudden Unexpected Infant Death). You can learn more about it here.

For those of us who can't make it, we have the opportunity to recongnize our babies. They will be putting together a memorial book to take to Congress. Your children can be included, but you have to do it before March 1st. I am going to be including Brenna. The link is below.

http://www.firstcandle.org/our-babies/

One Year Ago Today

One year ago today my stepdaughter got married. It was easily one of the happiest days for our family. I remember standing up there getting out pictures taken thinking how funny it would be to show the baby pictures of Jenna's wedding. I didn't get to dance too much. I tried to stay off my feet. I was feeling pretty tired. I regret not getting more pictures of myself with my stepdaughter, but everything the day seemed to pass so quickly.It was a great day. We were all so happy. Who knew that one of the best days of my life would be closely followed by the worst. Just 9 days later I would go into the hospital and early the next morning, my dead baby would be taken out of my womb. I did not get to fully celebrate Jenna's marriage. I still have a hard time looking at her pictures. I don't know if part of it is because she got them back while I was in the hospital, and I remember looking at them while I was all hooked up to a morphine pump. I think it's because they are the last pregnant pictures I have of Brenna. The day before I went into the hospital I took belly pics of myself. I didn't like them, and deleted them from my camera. I thought I had plenty of time to take more. I kick myself for being so vain. It didn't matter how rough I looked, I would give anything to have those pictures now. Even though I probably wouldn't look at them.

BRENNA AND I ONE YEAR AGO

THE END OF THIS BLOG

I was thinking tonight of when this blog would end. I started out just so that I could get my thoughts and grief out, and so I could remember how I felt, and see where I've come. I thought to myself, It will have to end sometime. You can't write how you miss your dead baby forever. Then it dawned on me, I am going to miss her forever. Until I die I am going to miss my baby. It seems so unreal to me. 50 years from now someone can say the name Brenna and I will instantly think of her. Someone can loose a baby, and I will feel it too. I guess I never thought about it before. But I have a feeling I will be blogging for quite some time, because I'm always going to miss her.

Edited to add: Please don't think that I wrote this so you'd beg me to not stop blogging. That's not the intention of this post. I am too addicted to blogging to stop. And I already know you love me. :)

TUESDAY

I go for my doctor's appointment on Tuesday. I am nervous. If he gives me the green light, I think my husband and I are going to get into a fight. I want another baby. Without a doubt, I want a baby. My husband does not. You can probably gather from my last post that I am not too happy with him. Sometimes I feel like he is relieved that Brenna isn't here. I don't think he wanted her dead. But I think it was a relief to him that she wasn't born. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm talking crazy.

My husband is 16 years older than I am. He's pushing 50. My eggs are aging my the second. If we are going to have another baby, we are going to have to have it now. I want a baby more than anything. I've been dreaming about having a baby every night for the last week. Sometimes I have given birth, sometimes we've adopted. I would quit my job and drop everything to have another baby. But, my husband sees babies (and children in general) as deterrents to retirement and freedom. He does not want another baby. I know he doesn't. And I think it's selfish of him. After all I have been through, to deny me a baby is unbelievable to me. I don't even understand why he would do that.

We made it through Brenna's death unscathed (relationship wise). I think it brought us closer, and made us a stronger couple. I'm afraid the Baby Debate is going to tear us apart.

March 5th

HUSBAND: Do you want to do (such and such) with me?

ME: I don't know. When is it?

HUSBAND: It's a Saturday. March 5th I think.

ME: Silence and blank stare. March 5th isn't a saturday.

HUSBAND: Well then the 2nd or something, I don't know.

ME: looking away I don't know what's going on.

HUSBAND: You don't know what your doing in two weekends, but you know March 5th isn't a saturday. How do you know that?

Because it's your dead daughter's birthday you asshole!

YOU NEVER KNOW

Remember when I talked about this pregnant lady? Remember how uncomfortable she made me? Yesterday I was talking to her, and she told me that she has to visit the doctor frequently because this is her eighth pregnancy. She has no living children. I immediately connected with her (even if she wasn't aware of it). I immediately saw her in a different light. I remember something that another deadbabymama said to me during those first months after Brenna was born: "You should not dislike other pregnant women. How do you know they haven't stood in your shoes before?" I guess I don't know. It shouldn't make a difference, anyway.

SUREAL

Yesterday after I got home from work I was changing my clothes and my eyes locked on a picture of Brenna. It's her hospital picture and she's wearing a tiny little dress with pink flowers and a matching bonnet. (I kick myself for not getting that outfit from the funeral home. But I couldn't stand the thought of burrying her naked. That's a post for another day.) I picked up the picture and looked at it for a long time. It amazes me how much you looks like my son. The resemblance is amazing. I looked at her picture and it just all seems so unreal. After so much times passes you start to forget. Almost like she isn't even real. I had to remind myself that she was a real live person, and one year ago she was growing inside of me. It hasn't been that long since she was here. But it just seems so unreal. I hope I'm not alone in feeling this way. But for some reason, she seems so unreal to me. Like another person, in another life. Like it didn't even happen to me. I starred at her picture and remembered holding her. Feeling her soft skin. How light she was. How tiny. Even though I have those memories, it still doesn't feel real. It's kind of like someone else told me about it, and I am remembering their story.


You are all probably thinking I'm crazy right now. Maybe I am.

Mrs. Spit- I love you!

"There is no place so far from you that she can't hear you sing her happy birthday. " ~ Mrs. Spit

Thank you, Mrs. Spit. I really needed to hear that.

AND THEN IT HURTS AGAIN

Remember my real life friend K? She is expecting twins after IVF. She found out she is having girls. I was happy for her. She told me on the phone, and I was genuinely happy for her. We belong to the same committee, and we had a meeting yesterday. Just being in her presence made me feel very... uncomfortable I guess is the best word to describe it. I just didn't feel right being around her. When she walked in the first thing I saw was a cutesy photo album which I knew had ultrasound pictures in it. The sight of that book made me sick to my stomach. I feel like a terrible person, but I started thinking of reasons to leave the meeting right away so I wouldn't have to be there when she pulled them out. We made it through the meeting with just a few pregnancy jokes. Towards the end of the meeting, she pulls out the book and opens it up to ultrasound pictures and handed them to me. I smiled and put on my happy face. She said, "Here you go, you asked me to bring them". I had totally forgot telling her that I wanted to see ultrasound pictures. I forgot telling her to bring them. Could I really be that stupid? Yes. I can. I half heartedly looked at them and then got the hell out of there. I did not anticipate having that reaction. I kept thinking in my head, I know what your babies look like right now. They have all their parts. They even have fingernails... I did not think I would react that way. Not when I was genuinely happy for her when she first found out.

Today, I saw a cute picture of a little toddler with pig tails. I felt a physical pain that I haven't felt in a long time. That one picture brought tears. I guess maybe it's Brenna's rapidly approaching "birthday". I don't know. For some reason it's been bothering me more than usual lately. Right now I just want to crawl in bed and not get out until Monday.

YOU LIKE ME!

I was feeling a little left about because it seems EVERYONE has been getting the Honest Scrap award but me. But, alas, bir at All The Little Ponies loves me. :) Thank you bir.

The rules for this award:

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.

2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

My 7 blogs are:

Carly at To Write Their Names In The Sand and Stepping Stones

Breanna at Adventures in Mommy Land

Trish at Fertile Hope

Beth at Revelations and Whatnot

Kara at Forever Tyler

M at The Maybe Baby (Babies)

Mrs. Spit at Mrs. Spit Spouts Off

If you already have received this, I'm sorry. I read all of these blogs regularly, but I can't possibly remember each award each person has won.

10 honest things about myself:

1. I tend to have a potty mouth. It is something I am trying to work on, but truth is I often sound like a sailor.

2. I have a short temper and no patience. I know this, and I am working on it. Promise.

3. Yesterday my husband made me really mad and I told him to "Shut up". That is the first time either of us can remember me ever saying that to him. Later he told me he knew I was really mad because I've never said that to him before.

4. Even though I am not an emtional person, the truth is my feelings get hurt easily. I don't often show it, but I feel it.

5. I am a very forgiving person. I never hold a grudge. In fact, I tend to forgive people when they shouldn't be forgiven.

6. I find humor in EVERYTHING! I love to laugh.

7. There is only one person in this entire world that I can not get along with. She knows who she is.

8. I can relate to men better than women. I think this has something to do with having four brothers.

9. Even though my feelings get hurt I am not easily offended. I know it makes no sense. You can tell me that I have stinky breath and it won't offend me. But if you blow me off at a meeting I will be crushed.

10. Even though I like to be viewed as a strong woman, the truth is I like the fact that my husband takes care of me. It makes me feel good to know that he's looking out for me.

I got this from M at The Maybe Baby (Babies) who got it from Dana at Probable Impossibilities.

"A lecturer when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked 'How heavy is this glass of water?' Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.' He continued, 'And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on.''

That is exactly how it is with grief. If we do not let go, we will not be able to carry it, and it will bring us down. Letting go does not mean we don't love our children. We are not betraying their memory by letting our grief go. We are not forgetting them. We don't have to be sad and depressed to miss our babies. I will miss Brenna everyday of my life. But I don't have to be holed up in my house to miss her. I don't have to deny myself joy to miss her. I will miss her anyway. Happy or not. I will miss her. Punishing myself is not going to make me miss her more (or less). It's just going to make me feel worse. And it's going to make me a miserable human being.

Instead, I choose to think of her fondly, miss her always, and let my grief go.

SHITTING RAINBOWS

My husband and I have been bickering a lot lately, which is very uncharacteristic of us. We ususally get along very well, and enjoy each other's company. Lately, we have been really getting on each other's nerves. I have to admit that I am mostly to blame. I have not been a very happy person lately. I think partly it's a raging case of PMS. But part of it is probably the time of year. My poor husband. I have not been a very nice wife lately. I'm trying to not be such a bitch. Sometimes it's hard, I'll admit it. Sometimes I catch myself being mean to him, and I really feel bad. The other morning he asked me why I was in such a bad mood. To which I replied, "I can't always be happy. I can't shit rainbows everyday!" Of course he found this hysterical, and has not let me forget it. So today when I found this online I was tempted to buy it for him. I'm thinking Valentines Gift...

11 LONG MONTHS

"You know what this is like. You lost a child too."

That is what my husband's cousin C wrote to me when I sent her an email expressing my sympathy over the passing of her son. What an amazing woman she is. To take the time out of her grief to acknowledge my daughter's short life. To have to presence of mind, and heart, to know that I was relating to her. I just don't think I'm as kind of a person as she is.

It's been 11 months since Brenna was born. I haven't wrote about this much, because I have a tendency to put things off and not face them. But the fact of the matter is that I can not believe that just 11 months ago I was pregnant. This time last year was a very happy time in my life. I was expecting my miracle baby, and my stepdaughter was planning her wedding. Even though I was feeling ill, life was good. I was looking at baby things, and picking out names. Last year on Super Bowl Sunday, while my husband went to a party I went out and bought baby things. Girl things, even though we had no idea Brenna was a girl, I just knew. One of those outfits is still hanging in my closet. I couldn't take it back. My life now is no where near the life I envisioned for myself this time last year. Nothing at all. Looking back on the past 11 months, it all seems like a dream. Like it didn't even happen to me. I have not shared that part of my life with the new people I've met since then. How do you? I feel that if I share that part of my life, they will start feeling sorry for me, and I do NOT like being THAT person. The poor deadbabymama that everyone feels sorry for. I don't want any one's pity. But, sadly, there really isn't anything else to feel for a deadbabymama except for pity, is there?

I STILL HAVE HARD DAYS

Part of my job requires me to go into peoples homes after they suffer a tragedy (like a fire). Today I had to go to the home of a young couple. They didn't have any children, but they told me that she was pregnant. Trying to be polite I asked how far along she was. I feel like a horrible person because I didn't feel bad for them that they had a fire in their house. Instead, I kept on thinking, "I know what your baby looks like right now", "Her baby might now make it", "Babies can die". It's not that her being pregnant bothered me, I guess it was how far a long she was. She was almost as far along as I was with Brenna. It just broke my heart. When we were leaving, they told me that they each had been in a car accident in the last week, and then this with their house. Someone said, "Well at least you have your health" and they replied, "Yep! The baby is nice and healthy!".

Knife. In. My. Gut.

I know I was quiet after that, and I'm not sure anyone noticed. I tried not to be. I've been thinking about it all day today. Maybe it's because I'm going to start my period, and I'm hormonal...

I don't think so.

Most of the deadbabymamas I know are pregnant again. While I really do celebrate their pregnancies (I really do!), I can't help but feel left out. I want that.

And I don't ever know that I will experience it again.