AND THEN IT HURTS AGAIN

Remember my real life friend K? She is expecting twins after IVF. She found out she is having girls. I was happy for her. She told me on the phone, and I was genuinely happy for her. We belong to the same committee, and we had a meeting yesterday. Just being in her presence made me feel very... uncomfortable I guess is the best word to describe it. I just didn't feel right being around her. When she walked in the first thing I saw was a cutesy photo album which I knew had ultrasound pictures in it. The sight of that book made me sick to my stomach. I feel like a terrible person, but I started thinking of reasons to leave the meeting right away so I wouldn't have to be there when she pulled them out. We made it through the meeting with just a few pregnancy jokes. Towards the end of the meeting, she pulls out the book and opens it up to ultrasound pictures and handed them to me. I smiled and put on my happy face. She said, "Here you go, you asked me to bring them". I had totally forgot telling her that I wanted to see ultrasound pictures. I forgot telling her to bring them. Could I really be that stupid? Yes. I can. I half heartedly looked at them and then got the hell out of there. I did not anticipate having that reaction. I kept thinking in my head, I know what your babies look like right now. They have all their parts. They even have fingernails... I did not think I would react that way. Not when I was genuinely happy for her when she first found out.

Today, I saw a cute picture of a little toddler with pig tails. I felt a physical pain that I haven't felt in a long time. That one picture brought tears. I guess maybe it's Brenna's rapidly approaching "birthday". I don't know. For some reason it's been bothering me more than usual lately. Right now I just want to crawl in bed and not get out until Monday.