Thursday, February 12, 2009


Remember my real life friend K? She is expecting twins after IVF. She found out she is having girls. I was happy for her. She told me on the phone, and I was genuinely happy for her. We belong to the same committee, and we had a meeting yesterday. Just being in her presence made me feel very... uncomfortable I guess is the best word to describe it. I just didn't feel right being around her. When she walked in the first thing I saw was a cutesy photo album which I knew had ultrasound pictures in it. The sight of that book made me sick to my stomach. I feel like a terrible person, but I started thinking of reasons to leave the meeting right away so I wouldn't have to be there when she pulled them out. We made it through the meeting with just a few pregnancy jokes. Towards the end of the meeting, she pulls out the book and opens it up to ultrasound pictures and handed them to me. I smiled and put on my happy face. She said, "Here you go, you asked me to bring them". I had totally forgot telling her that I wanted to see ultrasound pictures. I forgot telling her to bring them. Could I really be that stupid? Yes. I can. I half heartedly looked at them and then got the hell out of there. I did not anticipate having that reaction. I kept thinking in my head, I know what your babies look like right now. They have all their parts. They even have fingernails... I did not think I would react that way. Not when I was genuinely happy for her when she first found out.

Today, I saw a cute picture of a little toddler with pig tails. I felt a physical pain that I haven't felt in a long time. That one picture brought tears. I guess maybe it's Brenna's rapidly approaching "birthday". I don't know. For some reason it's been bothering me more than usual lately. Right now I just want to crawl in bed and not get out until Monday.


Mrs. Spit said...

It is Brenna's birthday. Not "birthday", but birthday. And there is no place so far from you that she can't hear you sing her happy birthday.

And there is no place so far from the rest of us, that we won't be right there behind you, singing our hearts out.

Foreverloves said...

I feel like that too. Is it their birthday? I mean, what IS that day? And how do I "celebrate" it?

I'm sorry for your pain...I really am.