Wednesday, February 18, 2009

TUESDAY

I go for my doctor's appointment on Tuesday. I am nervous. If he gives me the green light, I think my husband and I are going to get into a fight. I want another baby. Without a doubt, I want a baby. My husband does not. You can probably gather from my last post that I am not too happy with him. Sometimes I feel like he is relieved that Brenna isn't here. I don't think he wanted her dead. But I think it was a relief to him that she wasn't born. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm talking crazy.

My husband is 16 years older than I am. He's pushing 50. My eggs are aging my the second. If we are going to have another baby, we are going to have to have it now. I want a baby more than anything. I've been dreaming about having a baby every night for the last week. Sometimes I have given birth, sometimes we've adopted. I would quit my job and drop everything to have another baby. But, my husband sees babies (and children in general) as deterrents to retirement and freedom. He does not want another baby. I know he doesn't. And I think it's selfish of him. After all I have been through, to deny me a baby is unbelievable to me. I don't even understand why he would do that.

We made it through Brenna's death unscathed (relationship wise). I think it brought us closer, and made us a stronger couple. I'm afraid the Baby Debate is going to tear us apart.

2 comments:

Mom to 2 boys +? said...

Oh Holli! I feel for you - Mark and I were at the same point in our marriage. You both have valid points of view. To men, babies are just another mouth to feed, raise etc. They don't understand a woman's need for that. I'm sure almost losing you isn't helping things any. Could ya'll sit down and talk to a 3rd party that could help you see eye to eye? In my opinion, it comes down to who is going to be hurt the most by not getting what they want. It is so hard to lose a baby and then just walk away - it awakens all those motherly senses that have no outlet. Keep talking about it.

CLC said...

I am sorry you have to deal with this. I can't imagine and I am sure it's very stressful for you.