Saturday, February 14, 2009

SUREAL

Yesterday after I got home from work I was changing my clothes and my eyes locked on a picture of Brenna. It's her hospital picture and she's wearing a tiny little dress with pink flowers and a matching bonnet. (I kick myself for not getting that outfit from the funeral home. But I couldn't stand the thought of burrying her naked. That's a post for another day.) I picked up the picture and looked at it for a long time. It amazes me how much you looks like my son. The resemblance is amazing. I looked at her picture and it just all seems so unreal. After so much times passes you start to forget. Almost like she isn't even real. I had to remind myself that she was a real live person, and one year ago she was growing inside of me. It hasn't been that long since she was here. But it just seems so unreal. I hope I'm not alone in feeling this way. But for some reason, she seems so unreal to me. Like another person, in another life. Like it didn't even happen to me. I starred at her picture and remembered holding her. Feeling her soft skin. How light she was. How tiny. Even though I have those memories, it still doesn't feel real. It's kind of like someone else told me about it, and I am remembering their story.


You are all probably thinking I'm crazy right now. Maybe I am.



6 comments:

The Fabulous Ms. Beth said...

Nope, you're not crazy!

Mrs. Spit said...

No love, not crazy. Not crazy at all. Our minds forget, our hearts don't.

JenJen said...

If you're crazy, then I'm crazy...

She's beautiful :)

m said...

Yes. If you are crazy then we are crazy.

I have to look at the girls' picture every day to remind myself too. It wasn't another life. It wasn't another person. It wasn't a dream. My girls were born. Your beautiful Brenna was born. It wasn't someone else. It was me. It was you.

I'm not trying to carry a torch or fetish-ize their death. I am just trying to convince myself that it really happened. I think that's what you're trying to say too. Oh hon, I don't think you are crazy. I think you are totally sane.

Foreverloves said...

I am always so struck by Brenna's picture. I have seen many, many babies like yours (including my own) but...maybe it's the outfit, I don't know. But she just looks so beautiful to me. I can't explain it.

You are not crazy. As I approach the 1 year anniversary of my own sons, I feel so similarly. I can scarcely remember them at times. I feel like they weren't mine or somehow it didn't happen to me. I hate it, because then they feel so far away. I can't remember holding them, at times I can't even remember being pregnant with them. I just don't understand it. Has it only been a year? Sometimes it feels like five years.

Shanti Mama said...

She's beautiful! Thank you for sharing.