Making Babies

I come from a long line of baby-makers. My grandma gave birth to seven babies. My mother and aunt each had four, my cousin has five. That's just on my mom's side. There are babies-a-plenty on my dad's side too. Then there is me. The lonely infertile with the bum uterus and one fallopian tube. How did I luck out?

When I was 19 I got pregnant while taking precautions. Like everyone else I assumed that sex=babies. I also assumed that I was going to be a Fertile Myrtle like the rest of the women in my family.

When I had my son, my pregnancy was very healthy. I gained exactly 30 pounds, and lost it all within 6 weeks. My son was a healthy 8 pounds 6 ounces. He got a 9.9 on the apgar. He was born after just 7 hours of labor and 4 pushes. I was made for reproducing.

When he was a baby he was also off the growth charts, and hit all the milestones early. He knew all his colors, shapes, numbers, and alphabet when he was 2. I was really good at this baby making this. Oh, did I mention he was adorable. I mean seriously, he was really cute. Came in second in a cutest baby contest. Smart, healthy, adorable... I make good babies.

I am beginning to see how lucky my son was to make it out of me alive. The odd were against him (at least they are now). While I am thankful to have him, I can't help but wonder why everyone else in my family has to struggle to not get pregnant, but I can't carry a baby? What did I do to deserve this?

After 13 years together, it's safe to say my husband and I have had a lot of sex. It's also safe to say that sex does not equal babies. We've managed to make just two, and only one survived.

I having been struggling with the whole trying to conceive thing, and honestly I just don't know. If you ask my husband he'll tell you no way. For one he thinks he's too old (48 this year). He also doesn't think I should risk my life/health. I'm only 31, and I have the unexplainable desire to have a baby. I think part of that is the normal grieving process, but part of it is the mom in me.

I love being a mom. It is the one think in this life that I know I do well. I want to have another child to nurture, love, and raise. I have that need. It's not to replace what I don't have, it's something else.

I think one of the moms on my grief board put it best when she said "I don't have to have another baby. But there will always be a void that can only be filled by one thing." That is exactly how I feel. I don't have to have another baby, but I will have a longing for one my entire life. I will always feel like there is something missing.

Even if we do decide to take the risk and try again, that doesn't mean we will get a baby. I'm pretty confident that I will be able to carry another child. I would definitely have to have a c-section because my uterus couldn't take labor. It would most likely be 4 weeks early as to not stretch my uterus out too much. But I've talked to other women who've suffered a ruptured uterus and conceived again. The thing for me is conceiving.

It was years before Brenna was conceived (granted we weren't trying), and that was when I had both my fallopian tubes. Now I only have one, so my chances are even lower.

Maybe I'm delusional, but for some reason I feel like if we were to try again, I could have another baby. I'm feeling confident with my body. I think I could do it.

Now, I just have to convince my husband...