Friday, June 6, 2008

"After Brenna Died"

I caught myself saying those words for the first time yesterday. I rarely say her name, let alone say that she is dead. It was in a perfectly normal conversation, and the words just flowed out of my mouth. It made me stop in mid-sentence. It really caught me off guard. I couldn't believe what I had just said. MY BABY IS DEAD! She's not gone, or missing, or never existed. SHE IS DEAD. In my mind, I picture her peacefully floating up to heaven, but the fact of the matter is SHE IS DEAD! That is a hard reality to recognize.

Never in my life would I imagine that I would be talking about my dead baby. Never. This is not where I saw myself when I pictured my life. Life has changed so much for us since we found out I was pregnant. We are not the same people we were back in December. My son is not as innocent. He has experienced death at a young age, which is something we went through when my step-daughter lost her mother, and something I hoped my son would never have to experience. I have faced death and my own mortality. My husband had to face telling yet another child that thier mother was gone. It was a very scarry time for my family, and we all are different people now.

I ran across this quote form Liz's blog about her daughter, and I love it. It really touched me, and it's so true:

"Our children change us... whether they live or not."
Lois McMaster Bujold

1 comment:

lala said...

Hi

id like to say im sorry but as a woman i know that that wouldnt heal the pain..........
No words ... no cards... no flowers could take away your pain. my prayer for you however is strength, peace and love....
take care
God bless you and your family always

L