I have been thinking about this post for some time. I'm home alone right now with nothing but my dogs, so I thought it would be a good time to post. I'm going to try to choose my words carefully, because I don't want this to sound wrong.
I grew up in a Christian home. I went to a private school, which was faith based. I have always had a relationship with God. I have always held Him close to my heart. I've never been one of those people to shove my religon or beliefs in your face. I am a very private person, and I hold my faith close to my heart. That doesn't mean that I don't talk about God, because I do/will. But I'm not going to knock on your door and tell you about him. That's just not me.
I've always trusted God with my life. Always. I've always believed that if I "put it in his hands" everything will happen as it's supposed to. When I got pregnant at 19 (which is a whole other story!) I did not want the baby. No that's not true, I didn't know I wanted the baby. I remember panicking, and not knowing what I was going to do. I remember considering abortion for a millisecond (I knew I couldn't do it, but I now understand the frame of mind of young girls who feel it is their only option). I felt like it was the worst thing that ever happened to me (boy was I wrong!). Later, when I found out I was infertile my husband said to me, "God has a plan doesn't he? If we wouldn't have had that accident, we wouldn't have Brendan right now". I knew God was leading me.
Even when times were rough, I felt like I could rely on God, and he would take care of us. He always did.
When I was pregnant with Brenna, and I was bleeding, I remember thinking, 'God, I'm just going to put her in your hands.' When my Ob called to tell me that my blood tests came back and he was worried about possible Spina Bifida, I didn't worry. I cried for a minute, but then I said, 'God, I'll take what you give me'. I thought, if she has it she has it and we'll deal with it. I always believed the saying, God never gives you more than you can handle. Whatever he gave me I could handle. I truely believed that.
When I was in the hospital, getting prepped for surgery, I told my husband I wasn't worried at all about the baby. And I wasn't. God was taking care of her. When I woke up, the LAST THING IN THE WORLD I expected to hear was that my baby was gone. It never entered my mind for even a second that she was going to die. Never. It was the first time in my life that God had let me down.
My heart was broken. I was mad. I was furious. Laying by myself in my hosptial bed, I remember asking God to show me the lesson. What was I supposed to learn from this? Why did it happen? I still trusted in him. Still.
Grief has many stages, and I've went through them all. Anger was a big one. I remember one day in particular being so mad at God for letting my little girl die. How could he do this to me? He knew how much I wanted this baby. He knew how much she ment to my family. How could he let this happen? I just couldn't wrap my head around it. I was pissed that no one else got to know her like I did. I was mad that my family was hurting so much. I was pissed that my mom didn't get to have her grand-daughter that she dreamed of, I was mad that my step-daughter lost a sister after God had already taken her mom, I was angry that my son never got to see his sister, and I was mad that God would let us all go through this pain. I was mad. Sometimes I still am.
But, as time goes on and I think about it more I've come to realize some things.
The hardest part in all of this had been the effect it's had on my son. I can handle the hurt, but it breaks my heart to see my child in pain. Then I realized...
God loves him too.
If he's going to have this happen there has to be a reason. God wouldn't take my baby and hurt my son for no reason. He loves us, and there is a reason for it all. I truely believe that. I don't know what the reason is, but I do believe it's there.
I always go back to when I was 19 and getting pregnant was the worst thing in the world.
Now, it's my biggest blessing.
God knew what he was doing.
He knew then, and he knows now.